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Old 10-27-2020, 02:01 AM   #51
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Location: 817
Hunt In: Parker county

Your relationship describes me to a t minus the inheritance and depression. It’s a bumpy rd to recovery/healing. I read this and reminds me of a time not long ago. Been together for 15yrs and married for 8. Like the comment above says “love is an action” and you are in control of your happiness. Best of luck to you and your SO. Not everyone can make it work but those that do will put in the work for a lifetime.
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Old 10-27-2020, 07:30 AM   #52
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Location: Round Rock, TX
Hunt In: Blanco, Starr County, Colorado

I would echo solid response already provided. Remember that there is no such thing as a fairytale marriage. I have been married to my wife for 29 years and we both have to put 100 percent into the marriage. Sounds like you are taking all of the right steps. Action is great, I guess our ancestors were right in recognizing that idle hands are the devils hands. I know that it is easy to get into your head if you have too much time to dwell on the negative. Building good habits and staying active. Talking to someone that can relate and/or with someone that can help you open up is good. I would say listen and talk to your wife and become her best friend. It sounds like to me that you both have something worth fighting for and you are both willing to putting in the hard work required to build a strong marriage. Don’t count out the small stuff, cook her some deer camp surprise for breakfast, help her around the house, take her for a date night where you can talk and listen to what is important to you all and your future. Kudos for being Man enough to share with the Texas Bowhunter family and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.

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Old 10-27-2020, 09:13 AM   #53
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Location: The Republic of Texas (Houston)
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There isn't much that can be said that hasn't already been said. You are on the right path but you have to have the resolve to see this through. Mental health is is a huge part of not only married life but life in general. Over the years I have seen how it effects people and the decisions that they make. Having the strength to reach out for help, and actually accept that help, will aide you in accomplishing your quest. This thread has proven to be a confirmation of some things you already know it seems but, also a reminder to everyone that is reading it to take the time to work on these things. It is so easy for us to get caught up in everything else going on around us that we often forget about the part that matters most, our families. It's funny actually, I sit here typing this in response to a question that you asked but also see that this is a reminder to myself of some things I could work on.

Best of luck to you and your bride. May God bless you both.
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Old 10-27-2020, 11:11 AM   #54
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Thank you all for the love and support you have given me. It was extremely tough to cast my demons on an open forum, but I am glad I did. Some of it is tough to read but that is why I came here. I needed to hear it.

Our story is unique and crossed paths even before we were born.

For instance, both of our parents met at the same bar in Daytona Beach. My family was from the area and her dad was a bartender there. Her mom came down for spring break and met him. My parents just so happened to meet at the same bar. I found this out a week into dating. My wife and myself met in Texas.....1000 miles away.

Years later I found out that her step father is from Medina, Oh. He just happened to be in the same school and same grade as my uncle.....and remembered him.

Things like this tell me that we are meant to be together. We love each other there is no doubt. I have just been so hard on her, that she resents me. I know I can change course on that through my actions.

One member mentioned becoming complacent and I could not agree more. One thing that I fear is falling back into my old ways of verbal destruction or relapsing back into depression. The last few days have been great. I have been motivated and love life again. This morning is no different. I woke up with a clear head and a positive attitude, ready to seize the day. I will continue to build on these days and they will turn into weeks, months and years. I know she loves me and wants to see it through if I can change. I will change. I have no other choice but to.
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Old 10-27-2020, 11:15 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by trophy8 View Post
I don’t have any advice. But I will pray for the both of you and may God guise both of your steps on the path he intends you to be on.
Thank you sir.
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Old 10-27-2020, 11:20 AM   #56
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Praying for you both. You are taking steps to mend things and that is all you can do.

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Old 10-27-2020, 11:30 AM   #57
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Location: Manvel, TX mostly in the Doghouse
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I've watch God do some amazing work in my own marriage. Put him at the center of it and hold on.
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Old 10-27-2020, 11:42 AM   #58
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Location: hockley tx
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You can do it hang in there. Ive been there before and had to do a 180 from the way I was living. Stay strong and work with her needs.

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Old 10-27-2020, 11:44 AM   #59
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There is an author named Gary Chapman, that has written a book called the 5 love languages. Get this book and read it like your life depended on it. I was a sh*t bag at the beginning of my marriage, young dumb and stupid. Did some things im not proud of, and found my self in the same situation only I was in Iraq and my wife and 1 yr old son back here in the states. I turned to the only thing I knew could fix me and make me the person she fell in love with... GOD. I dont know if your a Christian but it sounds like you could use the big mans help. Now about the book READ it and apply it, find out what her love language is and see to it that you give at least 30 mins to an hr or more a day to take care of her love language. You have to want to do this and if you do which it sounds like you want to it will just become second nature. I teach my boys that their mother and one day their wife is like their queen. You treat them with respect, give them the time they deserve, open the door for them and provide for them. I have told them what my faults are so they can learn from my mistakes and the sins of the father do not follow the son. I am in no way shape or form even close to perfect but i live by the teachings i teach my boys and she has stayed with me for 16 yrs and counting and we are more in love now than ever before.

Prayers for your recovery and that God guides you down the path your supposed to be on, whether thats with her or not.

God Bless
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Old 10-27-2020, 01:01 PM   #60
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I've heard some good things about the information in that book.

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Old 10-27-2020, 01:10 PM   #61
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Location: North Richland Hills
Hunt In: Oklahoma (there's no deer there)

I didn't read all the posts but I read yours. Very tough. Sounds to me like you better fix you first.
If you do not fix you then nothing is salvageable.Christ is always the answer.

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Old 10-27-2020, 01:16 PM   #62
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Location: Comfort, TX
Hunt In: Cotulla, TX

I am not a therapist or an expert on the subject. Been married 30 years. Had some tough times. Sometimes the hardest part is simply realizing the great women in our lives deserve our unselfish commitment to put them first and above us. We tend to get caught up in our needs and not theirs.

Leaning on Christ is a great resource. Christ was the faithful bridegroom of the Church (us) and gave up his life for what he loved. Likewise (in my opinion) we should love our wives as Christ loves the church. That is a whole lot of give and sacrifice. Many will say that is not being a man. In my experience, even through some really tough times, it has resulted in a love and connection that surpasses all marital tribulations.

It appears you are turning toward being bridegroom you need to be for your wife. Perhaps you already have, but if you have not added Christ to the mix, then I would highly recommend you seek him through prayer. Since you all are talking a lot, it may be a good idea for both of you to lean on Christ and seek his comfort and direction. If you do that, my money on this situation turning out better that what you hoped.

Best of luck to you. I will send a prayer up for the both of you.
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Old 10-27-2020, 02:26 PM   #63
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Yes she did. Mine was a long story but that was 28 years of marriage and 2 kids ago and we have both grown through the journey. Love is work, not an emotion.

The 5 Love Languages, Sheet Music & the Bible are all good books to read multiple times to help remember it is not about you.

Good luck to you in yours, and thanks for sharing.
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Old 10-27-2020, 04:49 PM   #64
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Today when she got home I asked her if she ever heard of the book 5 Languages of love. She walked over to the bookcase and pulled it out and handed it to me. Life does work in some mysterious ways sometimes. Guess I have to delete it out of my amazon cart now.

Thanks again for the all the positive posts and help. I don't have time to respond to each and every one of you but please know I have ready every post. We are continuing to talk and be open with each other. She's still here and talking......I'll take it!
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Old 10-27-2020, 05:00 PM   #65
Whistle brtches
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Default Hywfbilwy

I can safely answer No to this one. But we have an “understanding”. Haha.
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Old 10-28-2020, 07:17 AM   #66
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Originally Posted by DRT View Post
I've heard some good things about the information in that book.

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That book was life changing for the both of us. While I was a Drill Sergeant in S.C. she and i had the opportunity to go on a marriage retreat in N.C. Guess speaker .... none other than Gary Chapman himself. Topic for the weekend... The 5 Love Languages. That man and his book changed the way I react to anything and everything in our relationship. For you parents on the green screen with TEENAGERS as we have two of them, he wrote a book very similar to the 5 love languages but its about raising, dealing with, and understanding your teen's. Highly recommend this one also.
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Old 10-28-2020, 08:19 AM   #67
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Floresville
Hunt In: Everywhere

Jesus is and always will be the answer.
The parable of the seeds should be read and be sure you have prepared your heart on good soil or nothing will change long term.
My wife and I pray together every morning and every night so we know we are on the same path together.
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Old 10-28-2020, 10:22 AM   #68
Tony Pic
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Texas and NYS
Hunt In: The Picarosas North and South, Kerrville, Mountain Home and Harper

To answer your question...NO.
We have been together 36 years. Married in a few days for 30 of them. 3 sons all grown up and out of the house. She likes to yell and scream. But she is going nowhere, neither am I. I hate the yelling and screaming wish it would stop but it is part of her DNA. No changing it. I call her bi polar and escalate it a bit. 10 mins later its over and we get into that make up stuff . She needs a purpose and grandchildren will deliver that purpose. She has no problem with me going out of state for weeks on end and never bothers me at all about my doings. She has it made, and it appears that I do also. She can cook and look. I'm happy and she is for about 23 hours and 50 mins of each day I can give her 10 mins.

I hope you can find that Nirvana make it work for y'all.
Marriage is a wonderful institution. Everyone who gets married should be a institution
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Old 10-28-2020, 10:51 AM   #69
Briar Friar
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Hunt In: San Gabriel, Colorado and Rio Grande watersheds

Be acutely aware of preprogrammed responses...from both parties coming and going. It can be difficult to not follow preprogrammed responses and not be an emotional robot.

Sounds like you have a keeper who wants to keep you TW.

Keep on keepin on.
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Old Yesterday, 08:25 PM   #70
Eight Point
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Hunt In: SE Oklahoma

Almost 30 day update:

It can happen, she can fall back in love with you. I have become the husband she deserves and I show her everyday. I have not lost my motivation, focus or temper in the last 30 days. This has been life changing for me and I cannot thank you all enough. In the beginning I read this thread to her post by post, showing her that couples have gotten through it and did indeed make it. For all that posted......thank you from the bottom of my heart.

She told me the other day that our relationship is stronger now than it ever has been. We needed this reset to save our marriage. For a little bit I had no idea how it would turn out. The most frightened I have ever been in my life was the thought of losing my wife. I fought like hell and here we are......moving in the right direction. I'll keep fighting everyday because there isnt anyone else on this earth I rather be with.

I did try therapy and lasted 3 sessions. It's not for me and she understands. Making the effort to try was all she needed to see. I've been told that you have to try a few out before you find the right one but to be honest my best friend gives better solid advice then I got from that guy, and he's free.

We talk everyday about everything. We talk more now than we have in 11 years. It feels great to be able to connect with her like that. I am learning so much about her. One of you mentioned that God gave us 2 ears and a mouth.....use them. These words repeat in my head daily.

It's only been a month but it honestly feels like years since I posted this. So much has happened and changed in that time. And it's all been for the better for the both of us.

I do need advice on this topic however. My mother in law is still telling her to leave. It is to the point that my wife limits their conversations due to not wanting to hear it and argue with her. The only thing I can think to do is keeping on doing what I am doing now. Proving through actions I am not a POS and have her daughters best intentions as a first priority. My wife is a bit irritated with her due to the fact she has never really been there her whole life and now all of a sudden she wants to be a mom. So I am dealing with this but my wife doesn't really share a lot of what they say, so it's hard to gauge the conversations. How would some of you approach this? I don't feel calling her (she's out of state) will help things at this time. Her stepfather is a bit more level headed and I thought about starting with him first. Still unsure if I should reach out at this point or wait some and let the positive days multiply so I can have some proof of change under my belt. Thoughts?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Each and every one of you is amazing!
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Old Yesterday, 08:55 PM   #71
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Location: Abilene, TX
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Glad to hear it's going well for y'all! That is awesome!

On the MIL deal, the best thing would be for your wife to have a come to Jesus meeting with her mother. She doesn't have to be mean to her mother, but she needs to tell her mom to mind her own business, butt out of your marriage, and keep her mouth shut until/unless someone asks for her opinion and advice on the subject so that your wife and her mom can have a healthy relationship with each other. If MIL refuses to butt out, then your wife would be forced to step back from her relationship with her mom in order to maintain the health of her most important human relationship as a married adult woman - her relationship with her husband.

It's your wife's place and responsibility to take care of that with her mom. You should only step in if/when your wife has done everything possible to handle it with her mom and MIL refuses to butt out and continues to cause trouble with your wife/her daughter.

Other than that, the best thing you can do is continue to love your wife and be the husband God wants you to be. If your MIL is reasonable at all, with time, she will see and appreciate that. It's not unreasonable to assume that it will take her even longer than it will take your wife to get to the point to appreciate your efforts. Parents love their kids and will always be ready to attack anyone who they think is hurting their child.

Last edited by Shane; Yesterday at 08:57 PM.
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Old Yesterday, 09:02 PM   #72
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Fulshear, Texas
Hunt In: open range

Im glad things are trending right for you but you are far from proving you can maintain this over the long haul. I say that not to be mean but to point out you have a long way to go to prove you are indeed a different man than you have been in the past. Keep going one day at a time and at some point people will make that determination on their own. Regarding your MIL, you need to stay out of that all together and let your wife continue to handle it. As long as she is positive on yall's relationship, her mother isnt a roadblock to your continued success. Keep at it and I wish you the best of luck.
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Old Yesterday, 09:37 PM   #73
Preacher Man
Ten Point
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Pearland
Hunt In: Jasper Co.

That’s great news. Happy for you.

There’s no way I’d get into it with my MIL unless my wife asked me to. Right now, I don’t think it matters what the source is of any of your wife’s worries or fears. I think the best you can do is to listen to your wife and be supportive.

If it was me, I’d treat the MIL, or any other stressor, as an opportunity for me to support my wife.

Keep plugging away. Stay positive. Reach out to me if you’d like to chat. God bless.
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Old Yesterday, 10:11 PM   #74
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Jacksonville
Hunt In: Cherokee Co

30 days is a great start. Congrats to you and your bride! Like mentioned above, you can't change your MIL's mind. You just have to have faith that your wife believes in y'all enough to convince her mom. It will take time.
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Old Yesterday, 10:26 PM   #75
Nubbin' Buck
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Rowlett, TX
Hunt In: Wherever I can

I can’t speak to the marriage problems. I’m very blessed and my wife could’ve understandably left me a hundred times but didn’t. I can relate to your struggles with depression though. I still fight that battle a lot, but I used to be a thousand times worse. I listened to Jonathan Haidt talk about a book about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it gives you a bunch of different strategies to deal with your demons in a constructive way. It’s helped me a whole lot and I make a very conscious effort to work on my issues every day. I also read a book by Viktor Frankl called “A Man’s Search For Meaning” that helped, and I revisit probably once a year and have for many years. He was a prisoner in a concentration camp, and he talks about how he would kind of find something to live for, or a purpose, and completely immerse himself in what that may be like. It helps me to put things into perspective, kind of a gut check. The last book I’d recommend is “Wild At Heart” by John Eldredge. I read that one about once or twice a year as well. I wish I had real advice for you, but it seems like you’ve positively identified your problems and you’re on the path to fixing them, which is great and takes a strong person in itself. I’m not very smart personally so I read things from better men and try to learn that way. You and your family will be in my prayers.
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Old Yesterday, 10:41 PM   #76
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Location: North Dallas

As has been said - words start the process, but the habits and actions you build upon will tell the actual story.

Make plans - write schedules for yourself. Have constant reminders. It won’t come natural, but nothing does if you’re experiencing real change. It will be work.

Also, not to be negative. But creating positive habits for yourself will benefit you no matter what happens between you and the Mrs.
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Old Today, 07:53 AM   #77
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Livingston
Hunt In: East TX, North TX, & SE Oklahoma

Glad to read things are getting better. Just keep pressing on in that direction and don't get complacent, because it's easy to do. You just keep focusing on what you can do to love your wife more and let your wife handle the MIL situation. At this point, I don't think it's wise to address that issue outside of conversations with your wife about it. Just keep self reflecting and being honest with yourself as you recognize your flaws. We all have them. Don't stop at recognizing them... be intentional about turning away from those attitudes and action that have been destructive in the past. God can restore what man messes up. Just trust Him and let Him teach you how to love her like Christ loves the church.
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