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Old 05-30-2022, 05:42 PM   #1
chopsknives
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Default One Liners?

Alright it's been a very Somber Day here and I've got metal dust or something in my eyes a few times today. Then I remembered Patton's speech about Memorial Day - that they would of wanted us to enjoy the day. My son Dylan sought to cheer me up!

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender if I show you something cool can I have a free drink? Sure! So he pulls out a 10" Pianist and a tiny piano playing Yankee Doodle! Bartender: WOW! Here's your drink! Then he says if I show you something cool can I have another? Heck yeah! So he pulls out a genie who says I'll grant you one wish! Bartender: I want a million bucks and POOF!! there's a million DUCKS in the bar! Bartender: I didn't ask for a million ducks?!?! Well I didn't ask for a 10" pianist either!!
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Old 05-30-2022, 07:19 PM   #2
tvc184
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That’s about an 8 liner.

A one liner would be like…

The definition of pregnancy is something taken seriously that was poked in fun.
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Old 05-30-2022, 07:50 PM   #3
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Or “ Hey your pretty funny. You should be on stage. There’s one leaving at midnight”.
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Old 05-30-2022, 07:57 PM   #4
tvc184
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I got fired from the calendar factory because I took a day off.
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Old 05-30-2022, 08:18 PM   #5
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Dung beetle walks into a bar and says “is this stool taken?”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Old 05-30-2022, 09:29 PM   #6
RebeccaCreekKid
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What’s brown and sticky?



A stick.
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Old 05-30-2022, 09:37 PM   #7
Das71198
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Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
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Old 05-30-2022, 09:41 PM   #8
tvc184
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On keeping secrets…

Don’t tell but if you tell, tell the one you tell not to tell.
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Old 05-30-2022, 10:58 PM   #9
Randy Madden
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I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous…
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Old 05-31-2022, 08:02 AM   #10
AntlerCollector
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My wife donates money to the homeless but gets mad when I donate to the topless.
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Old 05-31-2022, 08:05 AM   #11
Gumbo Man
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AntlerCollector View Post
My wife donates money to the homeless but gets mad when I donate to the topless.
Winner!!
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Old 05-31-2022, 11:59 AM   #12
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Ha! These are great! I would have to say AntlerCollector is in first so far! LOL!
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Old 05-31-2022, 12:00 PM   #13
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I woke up last night and I was driving!!
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Old 05-31-2022, 12:08 PM   #14
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On trying to argue with our local libs....
It's hard to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person!
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Old 05-31-2022, 12:33 PM   #15
Sackett
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If they can’t find you handsome, let em find you handy
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Old 05-31-2022, 12:38 PM   #16
Gunnyart
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Hurting you is the last thing I want to do...
But it's still on my list.
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Old 05-31-2022, 12:42 PM   #17
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It's time to go kiss the dog and kick the old lady. (An old co-worker used to say that at quitting time.)
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Old 05-31-2022, 12:44 PM   #18
Benno
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Stand em on their heads, they all look like sisters.
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Old 05-31-2022, 01:48 PM   #19
dosrobles
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Baseball coach

“There’s no secret to winning, just play teams worse than your team.”
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Old 05-31-2022, 01:52 PM   #20
Howdy
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I heard the other day that yardstick companies aren't making them any longer.
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Old 05-31-2022, 02:08 PM   #21
Smokeater
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chopsknives View Post
I woke up last night and I was driving!!
Ha! Word! ...and if you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
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Old 05-31-2022, 02:18 PM   #22
RebeccaCreekKid
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He died.
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Old 05-31-2022, 02:56 PM   #23
EliteDriver
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If Jack@sses could fly, this place would be an airport.
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Old 05-31-2022, 03:16 PM   #24
Bowshark
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Never miss a good opportunity to shut up!
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Old 05-31-2022, 03:26 PM   #25
Dr. Evil
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Go ugly early!!
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Old 05-31-2022, 03:34 PM   #26
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If you can’t say anything good, you might be an A-hole.
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Old 05-31-2022, 03:40 PM   #27
SaltwaterSlick
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You're a melancholy person... body like a melon and a face like a collie...
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Old 05-31-2022, 03:41 PM   #28
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So you're gonna come after me....well son you might just have more hell turnin' me loose than you did catchin' me!
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Old 05-31-2022, 03:42 PM   #29
SaltwaterSlick
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You're drivin' me crazy!!
Pack light! It's a short trip!
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Old 05-31-2022, 04:00 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dr. Evil View Post
go ugly early!!
hahaha!!!!
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Old 05-31-2022, 04:06 PM   #31
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What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?

Ian.
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Old 06-01-2022, 07:40 PM   #32
chopsknives
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Ha! Ha! These are so great!! Heck I miss Ol' Rodney Dangerfield!!
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Old 06-01-2022, 07:41 PM   #33
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Take my wife...Please!!
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Old 06-01-2022, 07:58 PM   #34
Gumbo Man
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chopsknives View Post
Take my wife...Please!!
Funny that when you started the thread this is the first one liner I thought of. But figured most were to young to know an old Henny Youngman line.
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Old 06-01-2022, 08:20 PM   #35
Slinger
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She’s a 2 at 10:00 and a 10 at 2:00.
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Old 06-01-2022, 08:56 PM   #36
pontiac
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My wife, she’s a bad cook.

One night she tells me to take out the trash.

I told her “You cooked it, you take it out!”
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:06 PM   #37
mr. buck
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Guy walking out of a liquor store gets asked, "hey, whatya doing?" and replies...
"Getting a six pack for my wife." original questioner replies, "great trade!"
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:12 PM   #38
Texas Grown
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"I saw that!"- Karma
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:15 PM   #39
Texas Grown
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Be carefull when you follow the masses, sometimes the "m" is silent.
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:18 PM   #40
Texas Grown
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Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered,
"who ties your shoe laces for you?"
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:20 PM   #41
Texas Grown
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Youth and Talent are no match for age and treachery.
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:21 PM   #42
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If she had as many stuck out of her as she's had stuck in her, she'd look like a porcupine.
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:23 PM   #43
Texas Grown
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Dear Karma,

I have a list of people you missed.
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:35 PM   #44
bowhunterhelm
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There's a reason God gave you two ears and only one mouth.
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:39 PM   #45
Texas Grown
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I didn't mean to push your buttons. I was just looking for mute.
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:40 PM   #46
Texas Grown
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If you are agitated and confused, my work here is done.
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:41 PM   #47
Electrican
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas Grown View Post
I didn't mean to push your buttons. I was just looking for mute.
Proceed with caution with this one..I’ve dodged a few things launched my direction a time or two.
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:42 PM   #48
Texas Grown
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Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:43 PM   #49
Texas Grown
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Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a Super Power.
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Old 06-01-2022, 09:46 PM   #50
Texas Grown
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I LOVE sarcasm. Without it, I'd really have to pretend to like a lot of people.
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