Funniest joke you've heard recently

[sailor]

One night, while getting ready to go out. There was a news story on the TV.
There was a guy, up on the ledge of a high rise, threatening to jump, if any
body came near him..Well a cop stepped out on the ledge to talk to the guy..
Sure enough, He jumps to his death.. Terrible, I thought.
Well, I was at a really nice bar, and noticed this just smoking hot blonde. I wanted
to talk to her. But, I didn't know what to say. Well, I look up at the TV behind
the bar. And the news is on. And they're doing that story on the jumper.
So, I walk up and say. I'll bet you $5,000 dollars he jumps. She looks at me
and says. I ain't got 5k. I say ok tell ya what, 5k against you come home with
me. And I have my way with you... She says, ok it's a bet. Well, sure enough
the guy jumps. She says well, S$%^, picks up her keys, and says, let's go..
Well, I get to feeling guilty. And tell her. I can't do this... I saw that story earlier
on the six o'clock news..
She stares blankly at me. And say's, "well I saw it too".
But, I didn't think, he'd do it again... !!!

[Randy Madden]

I don’t know that many jokes but I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

[Tony Pic]

A guy comes home and finds his wife staring at the mirror. What are you doing he asks.
She says. My Doctor says I have the looks of a 30 year old. The man chuckles a bit and says.
What he say about your 60 year old azz?
Your name didn't come up at all.

[wonkdog]

.

A little sports trivia with this one:

Who has been hit in the face with more balls?

Babe Ruth


Mickey Mantle


or


Kamala Harris

[SmTx]

Elk hunters, are tags to(sic) cheap?

[Hoggslayer]

Wife asked her husband for a Boo b job for a anniversary present.

He told her that he heard a woman could rub toilet paper between them once a day and they would grow larger.

She said "are you sure that will work?"

He said, "well, it's worked on your azz"


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[Abcdj]

My 7 yr old granddaughter just walked by and said Pops..
Would you rather kill somebody
or
Eat a matter baby?

I said what's a matter baby.

She said ..what's a matter with you!

She is a dork!

[Abcdj]

Andy went duck hunting with Bob.
B had a dog.
B told A..watch this!
B sent his dog up to the first pond. The dog came back and barked 4 times.
B told A..that means there are 4 ducks on the pond.
They walked up the pond bank and sure enough, 4 ducks.
This went on all day.
A and B were loading up and A ask B...Where did you get that dog it's amazing and I want one.
B said I got it from a friend. You take this one because he has another dog just like it.
A said.. That's great thanks.

Weeks later.. Andy took Clint hunting.
They got to the first pond
A told C...watch this. He sent the dog up there. The dog came back, picked up a stick and started shaking his head everywhere.
A said that's strange. Never seen that before.
They moved to the second pond.. same results.
Same results at pond three and four.
A told C..were packing up and I am taking this dog back to B.
A went to B's house and explained what the dog had done.
B said oh crap!!! I forgot to tell you.
If the dog doesn't bark and grabs a stick and shakes it.

That means.. There are more ducks than you can shake a stick at!!!!

[Gunnyart]

A guru was teaching a pain management technique to a couple having a natural child birth. The guru hypnotized the mother and it enabled her project some of her pain to the father thus easing her pain. And much to the couples surprise it really worked. But they returned home to find the mailman dead on the porch.

[Abcdj]

The two Aggies got pulled over by the GW. He had a flat bed trailer with 21 deer piled up and a bear on top of them. The GW thought.. this is gonna be good.

The Aggies explained they had a MLD place and all the deer were tagged and legal.
The GW was shocked when everything was properly tagged and good to go.

The GW said congratulations on the hunting. He told the Aggie your one heck of a shot. All the deer were shot right between the eyes. The Aggie said he took pride in his marksmanship.

The GW walked away and suddenly turned back. He said.. hey what about that bear? It has holes in both paws and between the eyes?

The Aggie said.. well, when Joe put the spot light in his eyes he covered them with both paws

[C-GAR]

Some pretty good ones on here.

All I have is dad jokes.

Do you know how to make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

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I picked my 8yr old son up last weekend from Sunday school and asked him how did it go. He told me he learned how to make holy water. I said that's interesting how do you do that? He hit me with this joke. He had me laughing pretty good.

[3rdShot]

Two part joke, my son had an assignment about public speaking and all the kids had to take their turn standing in front of the class telling a joke…he said this one got the most laughs / groans:

Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Not Sally!

[3rdShot]

An old couple are on an out-of-state road trip, the guy gets pulled over. The officer said he was speeding and needs to see his drivers license.
The old lady, hard of hearing, says “What did he say?” The old guy hollers “He says I was speeding, and needs to see my drivers license!”
The officer notices the address and town they are from, and says he went through there a while back.
The old lady says “What did he say?” The old guy hollers “He says he’s been to our home town!”
The officer says that he spent the night at a hotel in their town, and had picked up a woman at the hotel bar, but it was the worst sex he had ever had.
The old lady says “What did he say?” The old guy hollers “He says he knows you!”

[RedYote]

Heard this one yesterday.

What do you call a potato with a penis?

Dictator

[BigRed323]

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Bob: My butthole hurts.

Doc: Where exactly?

Bob: Right around the entrance

Doc: Well Bob, as long as you keep calling it an entrance, it’s probably going to keep hurting.