Hard headed teen not doing homework

[SabineHunter]

I remember those days, definitely remember my dad dropping me off with a guy who had just dropped off his own son at mma ( marine military academy) , Andy put me in a truck and dropped me off with a road crew busting out cement with a 90 lbs jackhammer and shoveling it in a truck, 2nd day changed my destiny in life , a new found out look on how important it is to try better studying habits
Dad also reminded me that he owned the ranch, my truck, the roof over my head, and how his plumber father had worked himself in to a early grave being uneducated and under employed for quitting school! Sometimes hard lessons make for better vision about the future! His dad showed him and my uncle, they needed a education instead of a shovel , dad showed me

Great story, and you were raised right.

[Ætheling]

I remember those days, definitely remember my dad dropping me off with a guy who had just dropped off his own son at mma ( marine military academy) , Andy put me in a truck and dropped me off with a road crew busting out cement with a 90 lbs jackhammer and shoveling it in a truck, 2nd day changed my destiny in life , a new found out look on how important it is to try better studying habits
Dad also reminded me that he owned the ranch, my truck, the roof over my head, and how his plumber father had worked himself in to a early grave being uneducated and under employed for quitting school! Sometimes hard lessons make for better vision about the future! His dad showed him and my uncle, they needed a education instead of a shovel , dad showed me

I did 2 years at MMA in an agreement with the Judge to keep my butt out of prison. They shut that place down my Senior year 1998. They slit a kids throat that year, a friend of mine. 100 bad *** kids per 1 Marine DI (retired). Sexual assaults, aggravated assaults, not sure that prison wouldn't have been better except that it cleaned my record. I was 16 at the time so record was cleaned after. They opened it back up with more supervision and reforms. That place just made you better at being bad.

https://www.texasmonthly.com/articles/a-few-bad-boys/

[ThisLadyHunts]

If I remember correctly, didn’t you go through a divorce about a year ago? I’m no psychologist, and forgive me for being presumptuous, but I think what you’re dealing with is a very angry kid. As I understand it, unlike other kids who are oppositional or defiant, kids who are angry are a special sort and should be handled differently.

I’ve never been a big fan of psychotherapists, but I think when it comes to kids who are angry at circumstances beyond their control, they need a more knowledgeable intervention than we lay people on TBH can provide. In these instances, “tough love,” taking away privileges, and “bustin’ rocks” only makes them angrier.

Find a good counselor—and I mean really do your research—and see if a disinterested third party can help. My daughter once came to me and asked to see a counselor. I didn’t trust them, so I refused to send her. Ultimately, things came to a head and I was out of options so I ceded to psychotherapy. Turns out it worked wonders. But I’ll deny it if you ever say I said so.

[Bucknaked]

[QUOTE=BigL;15778323]Yep all gone. No xbox ps4, switch, or cell phone. They're all locked up in my gun safe.

These aren’t his problems, they are the parents! They are used as baby sitters! You enabled him with them so I believe you will need to give him time to not crave those addictions! There is So much great advice on here ! One counselor is a good start but it’s very possible that y’all may have to go to a half dozen to find one that is a good one. This may seem overwhelming but once you finally find that 1 it can be an awesome life changer! This last year and a half has been extremely hard on families. Have you tried praying with each other?

[BigL]

My guess is he doesn't have a girlfriend. Since you took away his only entertainment, he will have nothing to do except stare at his bedroom walls. Good. Be patient and he will come to his senses and man up. All these counseling suggestions make me wanna puke. Feed him, give him shelter and that's all you should do. He's testing you in a passive way.

I made him sit on the balcony tonight. So he could stare into space or the distance but he could do it from the heat of outside instead of the comfort of his room. He fell asleep out there and I just woke him up to go to his bed. That is where he will do nothing - on the balcony, sitting on a metal chair, not the comfort of his bed or the AC.

It's called tough love. You are in charge of his future.

Yep and it ****** me off because he can have anything he wants. I had to do military to pay for college. He can go to any college in the world and I would pay for it. I had to work for everything and am now extremely blessed, I gave him everything. I think this is where I messed up.

Make sure he knows that you love him more than anything on this earth, and you want nothing but the best for him. Try to get across the point that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help him be a success and to learn how to make good decisions for himself. You'll be tough and be hard on him if required, but your goal is to see him succeed in every way. Get that across to him more than anything else.

And then listen to him. Really listen. Help him navigate whatever he's struggling with. Don't fix everything for him. Help him take responsibility for his own actions and decisions. And you take responsibility for yours. If you realize any mistakes on your end, apologize like a man to him. Treat him with love and respect and expect the same from him.

It doesn't sound like it'll be easy. Prayers sent, brother. Hang in there. Tough love is both tough AND loving.

Thanks Shane. Good advice. I get frustrated because he is getting the world handed to him. But I saw my older brother mess everything up and is now homeless. My mom still enables him a lot and I think that's a big part of the problem. I'm trying to be tough and not enabling. I've enabled him to do whatever he wants to do after high school and he's blowing it.

Didn't you go through a divorce recently? Not trying to pry into your life but I thought I remember that. If so, that is highly likely the problem. If not, forgive me, I guess I am thinking of someone else. I know I struggled some as a kid when my parents divorced.

Yes I did. This started last year with virtual learning and covid. He's paranoid about it and both hates going to school and staying home. We thought he was past it with the counseling and even anxiety meds but doesn't look like it. We fought this a lot last year and tried counseling, etc. Just frustrated because I thought he was past all this.

Divorce he was actually good with it. I think he said something like is that all when we told him. We got everyone in the living room to tell them and he was like I thought someone either died or was seriously ill with something like cancer. He said it was a relief that is all it was.

I dunno, looks like his wife in his avatar.

4 year old photo that i need to change. Will change it in a little bit.

Questioning how the Iliad will help him in the future is a valid question.

What's his plan for life? Get him in a school that has a track or path for his intended career.

I told him the Iliad has 1 purpose in life - pass 10th grade English. Once you're done with that, then you never have to read it again. Even told him we can use it to start a camp fire so it will have a 2nd use.

He talks about maybe going Army and doing something with drones. But otherwise he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't think he would be interested in college. I'm probably going to take him to talk to an Army recruiter this weekend so they can talk about what he needs to do to get prepared for it.

Have his IQ tested. A good number of apathetic students have extremely high IQs and are burnt out on what they have become bored with over the years. School is very repetitive and if not challenging him he could have lost complete interest. You would be surprised how often this is the case with apathy. Students like that do much better in programs designed for them. It could also be something going on at or outside of school and he may be too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it. Professional counselor can help with both of these situations.

Yes he is very high IQ. It's one reason that he's in the charter school that he's in. They only go to school for 4 hours each day and go at a faster pace than regular public schools. Professional counseling was waste of money.

Maybe take him to work for a week. Show him the real world working side by side(don't know what you do this may not be possible) you may be able to teach him that we all at times have to do certain things are dumb but required of all of us to move forward in life to get where we want to be. Help him see the bigger picture.

He's seen my work. I work in software development and I'm a permanent remote employee so I work from home or in my camper. He's at my work all summer, when we take road trips with the camper and I work from anywhere, etc. My job isn't one that makes you scared. I've tried the other way to talk about how good our life is where we can buy whatever we want when we want it, how I can work from anywhere, etc. and how great life is now, but I also talk about what it took for me to get here from hauling hay all summer to try to save for college to eventually going Army to get GI Bill to pay for college.



I think my plan of action tomorrow is to let him miss school and I'm going to take off of work. We'll go by the public school that he would go to and ask what it will take for him to go there, get the paperwork, etc. and probably go talk to an Army recruiter about the jobs in the Army with drones. Then he and I can go to the rifle range next door and shoot a few rounds until it's time to get the other 2 from school. He needs to see that we're serious about pulling him out of the school he's in. He needs to understand that it's a privilege to be in a 1/2 day school with small classes over all day at the public school.

[tx_basser]

Son did the same thing all through HS. No phone, no driving, no video games, no going anywhere, made him take bus, etc. It barely worked and he graduated by rounding one of his grades.

I will tell you be prepared for battle as the kids know they will get pushed through the system. My son now 22 regrets all of this because he sees all of his friends going to college, graduating and moving on with life.

He is working his way thru the automotive technician world from the bottom up, but because he did not apply himself in school he can't pass the harder certifications that require some serious thinking.

[RascalArms]

Make sure he knows that you love him more than anything on this earth, and you want nothing but the best for him. Try to get across the point that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help him be a success and to learn how to make good decisions for himself. You'll be tough and be hard on him if required, but your goal is to see him succeed in every way. Get that across to him more than anything else.

And then listen to him. Really listen. Help him navigate whatever he's struggling with. Don't fix everything for him. Help him take responsibility for his own actions and decisions. And you take responsibility for yours. If you realize any mistakes on your end, apologize like a man to him. Treat him with love and respect and expect the same from him.

It doesn't sound like it'll be easy. Prayers sent, brother. Hang in there. Tough love is both tough AND loving.

Excellent advise as always from Shane.
As suggested, there’s a disconnect somewhere. Listen to the kid…hopefully he will tell you. Remind him that you love him no matter what.
Prayers sent as well.

[RedBear78]

Sad thing all these ideas and suggestions could be accurate and helpful and all these ideas could be wrong and harmful.I like the thoughts of communication and questions you can’t go wrong with that.I think it’s important that you stay the course and be consistent and firm at least when it’s his time to make it or break it you’ve done all you can do.I’ve been dealing with step son with Aspergers,I’m left scratching my head and confused half the time myself.At least with him I get results when I take the electronics away.Good luck I’ll keep y’all in my prayers that seems to help me most of all.

[scarecrow]

I must be an old fart…..wth is Iliad?

[BigL]

If I remember correctly, didn’t you go through a divorce about a year ago? I’m no psychologist, and forgive me for being presumptuous, but I think what you’re dealing with is a very angry kid. As I understand it, unlike other kids who are oppositional or defiant, kids who are angry are a special sort and should be handled differently.

I’ve never been a big fan of psychotherapists, but I think when it comes to kids who are angry at circumstances beyond their control, they need a more knowledgeable intervention than we lay people on TBH can provide. In these instances, “tough love,” taking away privileges, and “bustin’ rocks” only makes them angrier.

Find a good counselor—and I mean really do your research—and see if a disinterested third party can help. My daughter once came to me and asked to see a counselor. I didn’t trust them, so I refused to send her. Ultimately, things came to a head and I was out of options so I ceded to psychotherapy. Turns out it worked wonders. But I’ll deny it if you ever say I said so.

He's been to 3 different counselors and none of them made any difference.

Yes I am recently divorced. We separated in mid April and divorce was just finalized on Aug 10th. This has been a problem since last year. Just frustrating because we thought we were past it and able to move on.

[quote=Bucknaked;15778520]

Yep all gone. No xbox ps4, switch, or cell phone. They're all locked up in my gun safe.

These aren’t his problems, they are the parents! They are used as baby sitters! You enabled him with them so I believe you will need to give him time to not crave those addictions! There is So much great advice on here ! One counselor is a good start but it’s very possible that y’all may have to go to a half dozen to find one that is a good one. This may seem overwhelming but once you finally find that 1 it can be an awesome life changer! This last year and a half has been extremely hard on families. Have you tried praying with each other?

Yes we've tried praying, 2 different churches, and 3 counselors. That's what is making this so frustrating. Tried all the "soft" ways to do it. Now I want to do the tough loving like I was raised. Time to suck it up and do his **** work.

The devices were a reward. I've always had the rule, work hard, play hard. Once the work is done, then you can play. Before last year when we took them away it made a difference and he straighted up. Now it's still punishment but doesn't change behavior quite as quickly as before. Going to make life a little more uncomfortable for him for a little while. Instead of going to your room, it will be go to the balcony and sit in the heat doing nothing. He may have just saved me a little money too - instead of hiring a cleaning lady, he's going to be the one cleaning the bath rooms.

[RiverRat00]

Take time to sit down with him and help him with his homework

[BigL]

Sad thing all these ideas and suggestions could be accurate and helpful and all these ideas could be wrong and harmful.I like the thoughts of communication and questions you can’t go wrong with that.I think it’s important that you stay the course and be consistent and firm at least when it’s his time to make it or break it you’ve done all you can do.I’ve been dealing with step son with Aspergers,I’m left scratching my head and confused half the time myself.At least with him I get results when I take the electronics away.Good luck I’ll keep y’all in my prayers that seems to help me most of all.

Thanks. Yea tried a lot last year with little change in behavior. Thanks for keeping us in your prayers.

I must be an old fart…..wth is Iliad?

ancient greek poetry that has been translated into multiple books or something like that. It's a big thick book that will be good campfire starter sometime in the future. I've never read it and feel his pain. Like I told him it serves 1 purpose - to pass English at his school. After that he doesn't need it again unless he wants it to have a 2nd purpose of a fire starter.

[BigL]

Take time to sit down with him and help him with his homework

That is what I tried to do tonight which triggered both of us. He's smart (scored over 97th percentile on star test in both math and english) and can easily do the work just has a bad attitude toward it.

[rvd]

Not sure I’d 100% buy his “that’s it” line about the divorce. There’s no silver bullet when dealing with kids, I think talking to the recruiter is a good idea, hopefully find something that motivates him.

[Bucknaked]

Not sure I’d 100% buy his “that’s it” line about the divorce. There’s no silver bullet when dealing with kids, I think talking to the recruiter is a good idea, hopefully find something that motivates him.

Yes-this!