Funniest joke you've heard recently

[Tony Pic]

A woman walks into a butcher shop and asks for a long Island Duck.
The guy brings out a duck, the lady sticks her finger up inside the duck and says...this is not a LI duck.
The guy rolls his eyes and brings her another duck. The same thing happens with the finger and he winds up bringing her 3 ducks until finally...she gets her Long Island duck.
She thanks him for his patience and says. You look familiar, are you from around here?
He drops his britches, bends over and says...You tell me lady?

[scott1022]

What’s the hardest thing about rollerblading?



Telling your parents you are ghey!

My brother told me this joke back when I was in high school. I figured that he made the joke I used to rollerblade a lot. :-)

[Gunnyart]

oldie but a goodie:

Two boys peeing off a bridge...
The first boy brags...
"This creek water sure is cold."

Not to be outdone the second boy says
"and deep"

[Adam G.]

What do you call a dinosaur fart??

A blast from the past.


What reindeer do dinosaurs hate most??

Comet

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[Chance Love]

What do you call a dog with no ears?






Doesn't matter because he ain't coming!

[tvc184]

What can a man do standing up, a woman can do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?


Shake hands

[Zmaxhunter]

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, "That's nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight." The SEAL is unimpressed, he says "That's nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands." Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Delta Force member, and he's dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his d**k.

Thats a hot poker.

[Zmaxhunter]

Last week, Joe Biden had his annual physical.
Jill, knowing Joe might get lost accompanied her husband.
During the physical, Joe's doctor said, "i need a urine sample, a bowel specimen, and a semen specimen."
Joe, being somewhat hard of hearing, turned to Jill and said, "What Did He Say?"
Jill loudly replied, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR SHORTS!"

[SaltwaterSlick]

What can birds do that men cannot?


Whistle through their peckers!

[Chew]

Voted the funniest joke of the year a long time ago on some obscure website:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Dale Moser]

What can birds do that men cannot?


Whistle through their peckers!

Speak for yourself…


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[Calitexembalmer]

Some friends of mine bought me a sweater for my Birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was ok.

[tvc184]

A guy went to visit his severely injured friend in the hospital and asked him what happened.

The guy in the hospital said, “I don’t know what happened. I was in a bar drinking and I noticed a couple of pretty large women at the other end of the bar. They had a very distinct accent so I walked over and asked, are you two women from England? One of them said Wales so I asked, okay, are you two whales from England.”

“That’s The last thing I remember…..”

[Calitexembalmer]

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said "what for"? I said I am going to buy some sugar.

[Etxbuckman]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' Again the teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. But she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'?

The teacher sat down and cried.