Need some GS advice on post 20 yr olds

[CentexRancher]

Also as said earlier, hes 20, not 30. Literally every one in my age group parties every weekend. Heck even met a dude in my of my classes that has smoked bath salts, just to give you perspective on what other kids that age are doing.

[Briar Friar]

God bless you and your family during this trying time. Military was my first thought too...too many pluses and not enough minuses. Money in the pocket...money for college...money to chase tail...etc. if civilian life is the way...consider having him move back in and split bills. Idve never done that but known plenty of folk who did...but still give them space to come and go as he pleases...but with boundaries. It helps to save money and helps keep the family together. Dont expect a body to be there at the supper table but show up after supper is put up and asking for food..."Help yourself young man". Oddly...maybe a bit more responsibility might cause a bit of shift...like giving him a dog...if he is mature enough. Ive been arrested and told I was on my own to figure it out...and did...it sucked but I buckled down and made ends meet...went to school...worked full time...worked part time...chased tail part time...bummed dog food when it was real bad...lived on microwaved egg and tuna sandwiches. IMHO the mentality are the same from 18-22 years of age. Be easy. Have a few beers with him...get a little drunk and have some fun...golf range...go cart...strip club...whatever suits his and your morals and liking...mainly his. Gear back...ease over the wall...and sneak in some stories about your day of chasing tail and blowing money...then when yall are good and hammered...call Mom to come pick yall up.

Or just shanghai him to the Marine Corps. Oorah.

Good luck and God bless.

[dexterc]

Hate to hear, praying for a quick resolution! I would try to talk to him, let him know that you and his Mother's love is always there, he can get a job, move back in under house rules that you set, he starts to pay some rent etc as soon as he is current on his insurance etc. You need to stick to your house rules, no drinking, since he is underage, no girls in his room, etc. He needs some structure even though he will not like it. That gives him a chance to get back up before he is too far down if he wants to, if he rejects or blows off your offer, tell him you love him and that your offer stands when he is ready but the rules apply. Prayers sent your way! Hang in there, don't get in a blame game with your wife!! Y'all need to support each other and support each other...daily!

[ON THE EDGE]

Man. I did some stupid stuff for a lot of years. Still do at 34. My pops had me working hard at a young age. I always did it "his" way at home. Soon as I broke loose I did it my way until I saw it better. The Lord had some real good teaching methods. Made me see how the old man was right. I raise my kids the same. Figure of the Lord got me through it he could do the same for mine. Kids are always gonna mess up. Even older kids. You could prob get on here and find some old boys that got it so much harder than you. Love to be in your shoes. So rant on my brother. My pops did. And he got a pretty good son around 30 years later. I wish I coulda done it sooner. But the Lord had his own pans. Got to thank Him for that. Good luck sir. If you raised that boy right, he'll come around. Prayers up

[Canoe1]

No advice, but I'll definitely be keeping y'all in our prayers.

[fox1]

If he isn't into drugs then I wouldn't hit the panic button just yet. I have two sons and both are good people but when they where 20 they where both addicted to chasing tail.
Every time I would get close to losing it my wife would remind me what I was doing when I met her at 19 years of age. Loving him doesn't mean you have to support him but it does mean you have to understand your fighting a testosterone level that's off the charts right now, it's a hell of a drug my brother.

[MisterSanders]

Sounds a lot like me @ that age. Only a couple things ruled my brain. He will grow out of it and surprise ya. Don't enable him, but keep praying and helping him out.

[Fishndude]

A kid need parents, not friends. As a parent you know what's best for him. As a friend you are useless. Be the hardest *** you can be but a loving parent and he will get over himself. Address the sneaking in as he thinks he's got one over on you. Take his keys or change the locks. Kids these days think they are owed something. You don't owe him anything. Let him know that. You've done your job. Now it's time for him to do his...GROW UP! Good luck!

[enewman]

Yep. I got a 17 year old. He's stealing from me. He got arrested the other day. It's been nothing but a battle. I made the worst mistake I could ever do with him. I confronted him on stealing. He bowed up. I treated him just like a man. And when he got up. I was lost and completely screwed up. All I can say is I have no clue what to tell you. Just keep,trying. That's what I'm trying to do.

[neskora]

I would avoid trying to be a hard*** to a twenty year old kid. At that point, he's just going to have to learn some things for himself for them to really stick. I obviously don't know the whole situation but as long as there aren't drugs involved, it really doesn't sound that out of the ordinary as far as 20 year olds go. If you don't like it though, you don't have to subsidize it, so like fishndude said change the locks and don't bail him out - that will accelerate the learning process.


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[flywise]

My parents did not put their foot down on one of my brothers, kept trying to help him
Paying his bills, floating him money. Well, now he lives in a pop up camper i gave him when he started doing work for me. He has no job or money. I make him earn my money but others are still floating him money. He is 50 now and about as awesome an artist stone carver as there ever has been. But he is like a stray cat that kreps going door to door for his existance. Cut your kd off...... They will be much better for it in the long run

[Steel185]

Bushtrooper, I understand your line of reasoning. My children aren't that age yet (oldest is 7) but a long time ago i was just like your 20yo is now. My parents raised me very strict and maybe a bit sheltered. They instilled morals and values in me that i didn't even realized until much later. They push (more like shoved) me to college, the saying in their house, was "get a degree in anything, but you are going". Well i went, and went, and went....I did much (probibly more) of what your son is doing. Eventually i graduated, but couldn't find a job. I guess i thought: Get a degree...get a job, its not that easy. I found a job eventually and it wasn't as great as i had hoped. It was at this time i started to "want" to do something. The whole time i was fighting with my folks i was doing something they wanted, not what i wanted. I ended up with a degree, a crap grade point, and a huge amount of student loans. I eventually found a place in the Marine Corps (with my degree) but it was on my terms, and I had never been so driven. I went from a 2.5gpa hungover college student to graduating 1st in every military class (i had several, lots O Training) i came across, and the idea that i can do anything is still with me to this day. I learned you have to "want it", and no one can make some one else "want it". Now as a Manager in Corp America, i manage managers, some straight out of college. When they ask me how high can they go, how much can they make? I tell them "how much want do you have? I can teach you to be a better manager than me and go very far, or you can continue in your position....it all comes down to how much do you want it?"

You son is thinking partying, and girls is how he is going to find himself, most of us have been there at some point. Eventually he will figure out its not "the answer". Then he will have no clue. My parents nearly cut me off in college, they would pay $300 a month (which back then was just enough for rent), not books, got gas, not beer, or even food. It forced me to work and go to college if i wanted to continue to party and have fun. I actually learned several skills this way but that's a different story. I can't say where his line is but i would suggest to try and find a minimal amount that "helps" but doesn't enable this life style. Make him stretch to get what he wants. Eventually he will figure it out. if he wants to go to college later, he will be a better student, better man, for it. If he wants to go to the Military that's fine too. I would help him, by being close, but not enabling him, to find his "want" in life.

hope that helps

[Double-O-Dave]

Sorry to hear of this. Pray, pray a lot, and I'm not kidding. I have a son who just turned 19 a few days ago. Since he was 12 yrs. old, I told him that once he graduated from high school, he had to pick one of three options if he still wanted to live under our roof: 1) college - this included community college and either a full-time or part-time job; 2) trade school, 3) the military. He opted for college and is trying to adjust to the environment.

The military is no longer as easy to get into as it once was. I know this is cyclical, but from what I hear, they are a lot more selective now.

The one thing that has to happen is that you and your wife have to be on the same page on how you treat him. One can't say "no", and the other one goes and quietly says "yes". I agree that you cannot be his friend - or at least his best friend right now. All of you are going to have some hard choices to make very soon. If possible, family counseling would be useful - perhaps someone from your church might be available. If it helps, know I'll have good thoughts for you, as well as keep you and your family in my prayers.

Good luck,

Dave

[Spearchunker]

Military.

Disagree here. Military needs to be his choice. It's not there to fix your kids.

My uncle thought that way too. Signed his kid up and 6 months later he died in action. He has never gotten over it. He would give his life to change that fatal idea.

[texas shag]

Just let him go with his own flow. He is 20, and many kids his age go thru this. What you are seeing is a product of the millennial culture, and is no reflection on you as a parent.

Be there to give guidance should he ask for it, otherwise let him figure things out, as it sounds like he has a good work ethic. I would also suggest changing the locks out on your house so he no longer has access to your belongings and amenities. A very clear message will be sent when you do that.