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Old 05-21-2019, 02:16 PM   #101
SaltwaterSlick
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we live so far back in the sticks, we use owls for chickens and break daylight every mornin' with a pine knot...
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:32 PM   #102
sotx
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Yall have pretty much covered it. The only one I didn't see was
"Don't be a stander" That's what you tell the dumb muther fu$%er who is just standing there and not helping like he should.
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:38 PM   #103
Dushon
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This is my new favorite thread


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Old 05-21-2019, 02:43 PM   #104
CEO
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Treat em like dirt, they'll stick to you like mud
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:43 PM   #105
Mudslinger
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She is so ugly she classifies as an "Oklahoma Double Bagger.
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:43 PM   #106
JFISHER
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If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken much better care of myself.
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:52 PM   #107
JFISHER
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Got the squirts so bad, I could **** through a screen door.
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:53 PM   #108
JFISHER
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Referring to that buck toothed kid down the street...

He could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:59 PM   #109
ktjones
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"Back in MY day..."
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:00 PM   #110
J Wales
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"That's slicker'en snot"

and

after finishing up any kind of project, take a step back, and say, "I reckon that's good enough for the girls we go with".
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:07 PM   #111
ktjones
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when I was being very picky about a project, doing it right.."Son, you aint buildin' a piano!"
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:08 PM   #112
Hoggslayer
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You'd think that after all these years I'd learn not to trust a fart.
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:14 PM   #113
MisterB
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She is so easy that if you mash her bellybutton her legs fly apart.
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:18 PM   #114
MisterB
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And....she’s built like a tractor...little bitty headlights and great big knobby rear tires...
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:23 PM   #115
SaltwaterSlick
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I told you when we got married that I loved you... if that ever changes, I'll let you know...
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:28 PM   #116
MisterB
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You date her you better take a two by four to strap to your butt.
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:33 PM   #117
sweetinlow660
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Grandpa when I went through my divorce at the ripe old age of 21:

“Well that sucks son, but’s that’s the chance you take when you gamble on meat.”
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:35 PM   #118
Brush to Bay
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Dad use to tell us when we were acting up......"You and I are about to go to Fist City...where I'm the Mayor!"
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:35 PM   #119
MisterB
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And the one that exemplifies being really old...”When I was young I tried to get all I could..now I can’t remember what it was I got when I did.”
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:35 PM   #120
wdtorque
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Take her two trips to haul a s s

Looks like two coons fighting in a burlap bag

No more'n I know about it

That dog will hunt

Need a bigger hammer

Don't fix it if it ain't broke
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:38 PM   #121
Snowflake Killa
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You have time to sleep when you're dead

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Old 05-21-2019, 03:41 PM   #122
Native Texan
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After tasting some really hot peppers, strong coffee, or liquor: "That will put lead in your pencil".

Referring to deep mud: "That will suck you down quicker than a Cajun on a crawdad".
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:46 PM   #123
Snowflake Killa
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Every time he bent a nail hammering. "Dam Japanese nails"

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Old 05-21-2019, 04:08 PM   #124
dclifton
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If you told her to haul ***** she'd have to make 2 trips.
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Old 05-21-2019, 04:14 PM   #125
SaltwaterSlick
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Native Texan View Post
After tasting some really hot peppers, strong coffee, or liquor: "That will put lead in your pencil".

Referring to deep mud: "That will suck you down quicker than a Cajun on a crawdad".
Yea n when I’d say that eatin raw oysters would put lead in ur pencil, I’d always get, “That’s OK long as you got somebody to write to.”
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Old 05-21-2019, 04:14 PM   #126
Toddcaster
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from my father in law, god rest his soul
"you don't have to look too far to find somebody worse off than you"
when company overstayed their welcome " hun we better go to bed these people probably need to get home"
and my favorite after a meal " good food and good friends we're rich and don't know it"
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Old 05-21-2019, 04:19 PM   #127
CLR
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When replying with a positive "yes",

Is a pig's a** pork? Except when he is sitting on it and then it's pressed ham.

Its raining so hard it looks like a cow pi**ing on a flat rock.

You don't know sh** from shinola.

You can tell when he is lying. His lips are moving.

Use your head for something besides a hat rack.

If he had a brain he would probably take it out and play with it.

He is so tight you could shove a piece of coat up his rear and in a hour you would have a diamond.
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Old 05-21-2019, 04:23 PM   #128
LukeDuke
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When the answer is obviously "YES"..

Is fat meat greasy?

Does a bear ****in the woods?
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Old 05-21-2019, 04:28 PM   #129
88 Bound
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Close enough for government work!

I'm gonna have to trade your grandma in for a newer model.
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Old 05-21-2019, 04:35 PM   #130
jonate98
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Son, You workin harder than a one legged duck swimmin’ in a circle...

Son, You’re so lucky..you could reach in a barrel full of as*holes and pull out a p**sy


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Old 05-21-2019, 05:23 PM   #131
Froggy
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"Two kinds of liars in this world. Guy that said he's never w***ked off and the other that said he quit."
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Old 05-21-2019, 05:27 PM   #132
Killer
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Something happening fast= "Like a duck on a June Bug"
Things that fit together= "Like two pigs in a poke"
Don't need explaining= " You could F---up a crowbar"
Wore out/used up= "Rode hard and put up wet"
Go ahead and do it= "Let it rip tater chip"
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Old 05-21-2019, 05:46 PM   #133
Mudslinger
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Give you a hammer and you could tear up an anvil.

Give you a book and all you do is eat the cover!

You are so dumb if you fell in a barrel of *******, you would still come out a virgin!
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Old 05-21-2019, 06:01 PM   #134
xman59
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when it came to work.. " push, pull or get out of the way, but do something!"
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Old 05-21-2019, 06:28 PM   #135
Jon B
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Some of the ones I grew up with ...
I will give you something to cry about
She looks like she got hit in the ***** with a bag of nickles
Walk it off...or drink water and walk and rub some sand in it.
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Old 05-21-2019, 06:31 PM   #136
flinch
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I jumped on this thread like a guinea on a crippled grasshopper
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Old 05-21-2019, 06:45 PM   #137
Burnadell
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When I was young, my eyes were blue, and my ****** was red. Now my eyes are red, and my ****** is blue!!!

About a goofy looking hat: You need two of those; one to crap in, and one to cover it up with!
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Old 05-21-2019, 06:56 PM   #138
DBLHKUP
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You want to take the dumb end or the smart end of the tape measure
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Old 05-21-2019, 06:56 PM   #139
doghouse
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My mother always said I was about to get in Dads doghouse. Hence the screen name.
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:02 PM   #140
lovemylegacy
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Son, you are only as good as the company you keep.
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:04 PM   #141
Texas Grown
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For those that haven't seen this film, that's it's real title! It's a riot!



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Old 05-21-2019, 07:05 PM   #142
Texas Grown
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There is also a follow up film with Danny Glover as a partner.


Now I know where Burnadel gets his inspiration!
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:07 PM   #143
jessBsemple
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I've had worse cuts on my eye and still managed to wink at the ladies.
Uglier than a homemade rock
Uglier than a mud fence.
All that meat and no potatoes.
What is shade in the summer, is heat in the winter.
Stop scratchin' your watch and winding other things.
When my Grand Dad was trying to get something in a small hole- "If it had a little hair around it, I could get it in there,"
Whenever something was long "...is longer than a wh ore's dream."
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:07 PM   #144
DBLHKUP
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sotx View Post
Yall have pretty much covered it. The only one I didn't see was
"Don't be a stander" That's what you tell the dumb muther fu$%er who is just standing there and not helping like he should.

Ya **** right!!
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:22 PM   #145
Czechfish
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That’ll make sap rise in an old stump
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:31 PM   #146
sir huntsalot
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My dad always says "If you shake it more than twice you're playing with it". And he always follows it up with "that's why I always shake it 3 or 4 times".
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:41 PM   #147
Bayouboy
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.
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:44 PM   #148
Lip
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I could spend two weeks with your aunt ____ any Sunday afternoon.
Honey, we need to go to bed so these good people can leave.
I'm glad you got to see me.
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:53 PM   #149
Clark
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When an animal was super strong, my grandad would say:
He can cut the hucklebuck..

But according to the internet, that’s not at all what it means.
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:53 PM   #150
Sharecropper
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Willie Nelson . . I never thought I would outlive my d**k . .
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