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Old 05-21-2019, 12:46 PM   #51
Goldeneagle
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Take 2 aspirin and get your *** back to work!
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:47 PM   #52
hogslayer78
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You should have been born with two butts because you never use your head.

Use your head for somthing besides a hat rack
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:48 PM   #53
Goldeneagle
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She ain't fat. She's just extra curvy.
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:49 PM   #54
TeamAmerica
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At my age, i won't even buy green bananas anymore.

Em boys are so dumb, they could figure outta way to break a rope.

If "If's and But's" were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

This team is so bad, they couldn't play their way out of a wet paper sack.

So broke, he can't afford to pay attention
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:50 PM   #55
Sharecropper
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Blacker the berry, sweeter the juice . .
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:52 PM   #56
Sharecropper
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Righty tighty, lefty loosey . .
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:53 PM   #57
SaltwaterSlick
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we wuz so broke we spelled poor with 5 0's pooooor!

When complainin' about the "big kids" pickin' on me, dad would tell me, "Son, if you kick his arse just right, he'll run from you the next time he sees you."... I found out later on he was right!
Like I say, the older I get, the smarter my dad was!
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:53 PM   #58
Hoggslayer
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaltwaterSlick View Post
The older I get, the smarter my dad was!
I say that all the time.
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:54 PM   #59
kcnatural
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You don't know **** from shinola.

Colder than a well diggers ***.
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:54 PM   #60
SaltwaterSlick
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When you get too old to cut the mustard, it don't hurt to lick the lid...
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:55 PM   #61
SaltwaterSlick
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Man, he's tighter'n a bull's arse in fly season... when talkin' bout a tight wad (my uncle, his brother)...
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:55 PM   #62
Calrob
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So dumb he couldnt poor **** out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:56 PM   #63
rtp
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota7493 View Post
wish in one hand and s h i t in the other and see which fills up first


One of my DadĒs favorites.


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Old 05-21-2019, 12:57 PM   #64
SaltwaterSlick
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He'll spot you 99 and beat you to a hundred...

Definition of "goin' some"... when a cat sits on top of a telephone pole and takes a dump, and jumps down and digs a hole for it to fall in...
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:57 PM   #65
rtp
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Lord willing and the creek donít rise.


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Old 05-21-2019, 12:59 PM   #66
Sharecropper
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Any idiot can pizz on the floor, why not be a hero and crap on the ceiling . .
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:00 PM   #67
HogHunter34
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“He ain’t firing on all cylinders”
“He can’t poor **** out of a boot with the directions wrote on the heel”

Also used to hear my grandfather when leaving after visiting someone
“Well come go with us”
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:01 PM   #68
tmurray
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If a frog had wings he'd get Mockin bird pu$$y
You'd ***** if I hit you with a brand new hammer
You could **** up a steel ball
I'm broker'n the ten commandments
I'm 9 days older than Christ
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:02 PM   #69
rtp
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Measure twice and cut once

Youíve cut it twice and itís still too short

Shut the **** door we arenít air conditioning the entire city.


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Old 05-21-2019, 01:03 PM   #70
Goldeneagle
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Well boys, it's time **** on the fire and call it a dog.




Till tomorrow!
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:12 PM   #71
Hoggslayer
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My Dad:
Boy you are as worthless as t1ts on a bore hog.

Life ain't always pretty. Sometimes even the best t urd will leave a skidmark on the bowl.

Those are my favorite but here are a few more he left me with.

When referring to:

Tightness: That's tighter than Dicks hat band.

Hardness: That's harder than woodpecker lips.

Difficulty: That's harder than Chinese arithmetic.

Age: He's older than dirt.

Beauty: Her Daddy must have been a looking glass maker.

Amazement: I've been to 9 county fairs and ain't never seen no **** like that.
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:12 PM   #72
Yelladog
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Shaking like a dog crapping peach seeds on a frosty morning
That boy could F up a rock fight
Some days your the bug some days your the windshield
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but it may be a train
knocked his Cock in his watch pocket
I'd rather drink kerosene and **** on a brushfire
Id rather Jack^%$ a bobcat with a handful of stickers
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:13 PM   #73
WTucker
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My grandpa is full of great sayings: “It’s colder than a witches tit in a brass bra.”

A co-worker: “Working here is like goin’ to the moon in a covered wagon.”
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:17 PM   #74
BarBBar
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I'm going to see a man about a dog... followed by a "courtesy flush" or two
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:19 PM   #75
D-BULL
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You bout as sharp as a bowling ball
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:21 PM   #76
SaltwaterSlick
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We all know boar hogs can't have pigs, but... The Good Lord put tits on 'em just in case.

And "that's about as useless as the third handle on a pizz pot."
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:22 PM   #77
Tony Pic
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My Pop had a T shirt that said.
By the time a man grows up to realize his father was right.
He has kids who think he is wrong

Stupid hurts son...pay attention.

So much that was said in Italian to disguise cuss words in front of the kids.
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:23 PM   #78
SaltwaterSlick
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After a good meal... "why fhart n waste it, when you can belch and taste it?"

after a good ol' noisy fhart, "better out n bare the shame and in and bare the pain!"
or... "saves wear and tear on the underware"...

I'd be all over that like a J-bird on a June bug...
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:24 PM   #79
solocam_aggie
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"That boy aint scared of work, he'll sit right beside it"
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:27 PM   #80
Froggy
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He's so dang lazy he'll poop in the bed and kick it out with his feet.

The best time to take a nap is right after you wake up in the morning cause that's when you're the most tired.
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:27 PM   #81
Hoss163
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Worthless as tits on a boar hog
Slower than a Seven year itch
She so ugly she would make a train take a dirt road
Canít carry a tune in a bucket
Boy howdy son you can tear up a steel ball with a rubber hammer.
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:27 PM   #82
savage1134
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Location: Justin
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Son-"Dad where was I born?"
Dad-"Son, a bird sh&t on a weed and the sun hatched you"
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:30 PM   #83
Sharecropper
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After a good phart . . Kick em out, they don't pay no rent . .
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:33 PM   #84
hog_down
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"ugly as a mud fence"
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:36 PM   #85
Grits
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From my granddady:
I know she can't help being ugly, but she coulda stayed at home!
He's wound tighter than an 8 day clock!
That poor baby is so ugly they gonna have to tie a bone around his neck to get the dog to play with him!

This one is what he always said when all the grandkids were leaving after spending the weekend with him. "Sure going to be lonesome around here when y'all are gone, but it's going to be a good lonesome"!
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:38 PM   #86
gvick
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Boss makes a dollar and I make a dime so I'm gonna crap on company time.
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:42 PM   #87
Snowflake Killa
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I got to sh it like a pet coon

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Old 05-21-2019, 01:43 PM   #88
Calrob
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: lampasas
Hunt In: Burnet, Joppa, Wilco, My backyard
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My grandad, anytime I got a new job or the teary eyed goodbye when I was headed to boot camp
"Make 'em a hand"
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:44 PM   #89
bloodstick
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When asked a question and the answer is a resounding yes,
"Is a ducks arse water tight?"
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:47 PM   #90
Sharecropper
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Hummin like a 6 penny nail hit with a greasy ball pein hammer . .
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:47 PM   #91
76aggie
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That gal is uglier than a sack full of *****holes.

She is so tall she could stand up and ***** in the back of a dumptruck.
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:48 PM   #92
CEO
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She's got a hind end like a duroc pig.
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:00 PM   #93
Froggy
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She's uglier than a mud fence daubed in cow s***.
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:00 PM   #94
ruger41
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Location: Ovilla
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Finer than frog hair
That higher than Giraffe P@#$y
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes!
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:00 PM   #95
2B4Him
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Anytime someone did something a bit on the clever side, my granddad would say "it don't take him long to look at a hot horseshoe."
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:02 PM   #96
Sharecropper
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Once bitten, twice shy . .
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:07 PM   #97
breederbuck33
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When someone was precise with something. "He could circumcise a knat with that thing"

References I hear at work from old oilfield guys.
"Busier than a cat covering ****"
"Bowed up like a cut worm"
"I'm bowed up like a coondog passin a peach seed"
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:08 PM   #98
deerwatcher51
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Location: Brenham & Richland Springs
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This one is attributed to Lyndon Johnson

"We will double cross that bridge when we come to it"
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:09 PM   #99
220swift
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Location: New Braunfels
Hunt In: South, East, and Central Texas
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An old friend of my Dad's said this to me once years ago when I was making fun of his age:

Son, when you get to be my age:
1. Never hold a pi$$
2. Never trust a fart
3. Never waste a hard on, even if you are by yourself....

Another I have heard when something is too expensive is "that is higher than a cat's back"
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:16 PM   #100
Palehorse
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Location: Brazoria County
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When the snake falls in love with the spaghetti, it's time to buy a new hat.
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