Hard headed teen not doing homework

[ThisLadyHunts]

[quote=BigL;15778564]He's been to 3 different counselors and none of them made any difference.

Yes I am recently divorced. We separated in mid April and divorce was just finalized on Aug 10th. This has been a problem since last year. Just frustrating because we thought we were past it and able to move on.

Yes we've tried praying, 2 different churches, and 3 counselors. That's what is making this so frustrating. Tried all the "soft" ways to do it. Now I want to do the tough loving like I was raised. Time to suck it up and do his **** work.

The devices were a reward. I've always had the rule, work hard, play hard. Once the work is done, then you can play. Before last year when we took them away it made a difference and he straighted up. Now it's still punishment but doesn't change behavior quite as quickly as before. Going to make life a little more uncomfortable for him for a little while. Instead of going to your room, it will be go to the balcony and sit in the heat doing nothing. He may have just saved me a little money too - instead of hiring a cleaning lady, he's going to be the one cleaning the bath rooms.

I understand your position completely. No sense throwing good money after bed (counseling), especially when you have two(?) other kids to raise.

If it’s any consolation, I didn’t take to well to the bit either when I was growing up (my parents often sat it’s a wonder they had any more children after they had me). In fact, I seem to remember spending almost the entirety of my sophomore year being grounded. And while I still bear my childhood moniker (the *****), I actually turned out quite well.

Good luck to you, sir. I applaud your efforts. If parenting were easy, any idiot could do it. (Oh, wait….)

[brrdnk]

We sent our son here. Really good program. May want to look into it.

https://tmd.texas.gov/texas-challenge-academy

[Hooverfb]

Given all that... hes a smart kid. My dad had a real hard time getting me to apply myself. I could literally sleep in class, pay attention to a few things from the teacher, and get an A. Dad was military and biggest thing for him was he didnt care how I did, just that I did my best. 93 isnt good enough if he knew I could easily get 100 by trying. Dont get me wrong, there was plenty of tough love to go with it, but encourage him and build him up. Hes old enough I doubt hes "confused" like a younger child, but he probably is a good mix of angry, sad, depressed between at home learning, etc. Add in teenage hormones. All I know is I'm sure it was hard for my dad, but encouragement and tough love are not necessarily separate ideas. Find some woodworking projects to do if you cant find work for him. Hand tools. Have him work sharpening them. Working stuff. Working on the car in apartment parking lot. Etc. Make him go on a run with you. Just something where yes it's tough, but he can focus his attention on it, grow, get better. I was painting and framing houses, and it definitely made me want a job where I wasnt lol. However it also gave me something to learn.
Is he doing sports? I know some folks would treat it as sports is a privilege that can be taken away, but if hes not, that's an option. It does teach some discipline and focus. Wrestling is great, it's tough, and is solo, only one person gets to determine what you do out there. It might be a good outlet for whatever frustration or emotion he has with the divorce and all.
I obviously dont know the right answer, but hope some of these suggestions help.

[TxDispatcher]

Have his IQ tested. A good number of apathetic students have extremely high IQs and are burnt out on what they have become bored with over the years. School is very repetitive and if not challenging him he could have lost complete interest. You would be surprised how often this is the case with apathy. Students like that do much better in programs designed for them. It could also be something going on at or outside of school and he may be too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it. Professional counselor can help with both of these situations.

You beat me to it. I was extremely bored in school and couldn’t wait to get out in the workplace and make my money. Oh how foolish I was it’s taken me 25 years to finally make decent money, and all because I knew it all and everyone else was stupid. If I had been pushed instead of just plodding along with the rest of the students, who knows what I could have done

Sounds like the OP already knows that his kid has a high IQ...so if that isn’t the issue, I don’t know what to tell you other than listen to him and let him control the conversation. Don’t talk AT him, talk WITH him. Good luck, sir

[BigL]

I got into that kind of mood my second year of high school. I ended up quitting and going to work at a car dealership. I was portering and learning light mechanic. I was looking at what some of the guys were making that were twice my age and said to myself I didn't want to be like that. I ended up going to school and graduated with all A's after that. It may just take him some time to wake up and see what life is really like. I know that doesn't help you get him going but it's just another way of looking at it too. He may have to go out and do manual labor and work hard and see that there is no benefit in life at being like that.

I'm a fan of hard labor to motivate him. I helped roof houses and hauled hay. That made me decide somehow I will go to college and get an office job.

We sent our son here. Really good program. May want to look into it.

https://tmd.texas.gov/texas-challenge-academy

Thanks. That looks really interesting and I'm going to look into it more. I'm for it but have to convince my ex too.

[AtTheWall]

Take the GED - Right hand up - ASVAB score if its 95% or higher - he can bargain from there with recruiter - and that can happen next year!

All I got - many have gone this route and became leaders - it's harder to do because you are at the literal bottom. Not qualified for Academy - and ASVAB with GED - if he's a solid test taker, let him loose and let them do what they do. If he has the IQ - turn him loose inside - if he excels there - the step to OCS is literally triggered by Officers who recognize the chargers with sense, bringing them up, into that world.

All I got

I know a 16 year old, who got busted drunk, borrowed ranch truck, tossing dynamite sticks with his drunk friends on Chico Texas Main Street...........never even finished High School and his Daddy lied about his age (16) - before he joined.

That kid is at the far left

And another kid - who managed to get thru a grueling 12 - followed immediately behind his steps, when life was ho hum and test scores were easy


No guarantees but, failure was not part of the plan for either, because they truly disconnected and stood away and alone....with others leaning on them, to push thru with them at their side.

That system, has a way of finding their best, if that one has what it takes to get noticed.

[wildaggie]

Thanks. Yea tried a lot last year with little change in behavior. Thanks for keeping us in your prayers.


ancient greek poetry that has been translated into multiple books or something like that. It's a big thick book that will be good campfire starter sometime in the future. I've never read it and feel his pain. Like I told him it serves 1 purpose - to pass English at his school. After that he doesn't need it again unless he wants it to have a 2nd purpose of a fire starter.

Read the book with him, like a book club. It’ll give y’all something to talk about, and you both might find applications to your own life. Maybe deeper conversations will happen because of it.

My son just graduated from high school and will start classes at Texas A&M in the fall. He has severe anxiety, and alot of what you describe with your son sounds like what my son would do. Lots of zeros, then struggle to catch up at the end of the 6 weeks. Which caused more anxiety. He asked for counseling this springs and it helped alot.

Prayers for you and your son that you both find a way through this.

[Pedernal]

I second that he might be having issues with the divorce and just not admitting to it. Another possibility is that he is bored with school, or certain aspects of it. Crazy as it might seem, get him to get a part time job. Reality has a way of slapping you in the face better than words and or "punichment".

It sounds like he is a very smart young man. Sounds like you have tried different things and are staying after him to do his best. Make sure he understands that there are certain things in life we don't enjoy but will still be required to do. Again, reality.

Not bashing you or anyone on here, but society has made it harder on kids with all of the people turning their noses up at hard labor. What ever happened to earning the stuff you got as a kid to learn the rewards of work ethic? not sure the best way to deliever it in your son's situation, but I believe he just needs a large dose of reality.

Best of luck to you both and prayers up that you get him to see the light.

[miket]

Have his IQ tested. A good number of apathetic students have extremely high IQs and are burnt out on what they have become bored with over the years. School is very repetitive and if not challenging him he could have lost complete interest. You would be surprised how often this is the case with apathy. Students like that do much better in programs designed for them. It could also be something going on at or outside of school and he may be too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it. Professional counselor can help with both of these situations.

This was me. Not extremely high but tested above average. School was complete misery. Would get home and go to my room ( grounded) and not do my homework, instead would study things that interested me. Black powder guns, reloading, electricity, motors, physics etc. Couldnt stand school books ( well, I liked science and history) but would pore over our old encyclopedias for hours. ( pre internet).

Put me in a room with a bunch of kids and a teacher droning on about sentence structure? Pure hell. Day dreamed half of 9th grade away building an airplane in my head.

[IkemanTX]

Often times refusing to do homework is a control thing. He may feel like he has no control over any aspect of his life. Even though these actions have negative consequences, they give him a sense of control.

Another reason is, like me when I was a kid, there feels like no incentive. I was always smart enough that at no point in my education did I feel challenged. As such, I decided that I would do as little as possible to squeeze by with B’s. I figured out that I could pull 0’s on assignments left and right since I aced all the heavily weighted tests.

Or, it could be plain ‘ol not giving a crap.

If it happens to be control based, coming down so hard on him will definitely entrench the behavior… not fix it.


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[AntlerCollector]

Take him hunting. Go on a hunting trip somewhere with him and don’t even talk about school. Just enjoy your son for a weekend.

[Chief Big Toe]

do not envy your situation, as I went through it with my now 27 year sold son.
started when he was in elementary, he would get s licks at school, I would double them at home.... no change, took away his Nintendo same response. we moved to Caddo, and he was just always having problems, ended up being he was bad Dyslectic, and felt like he was stupid. his self estime was way down ... so I changed my tact
i was not one to have been showed love in form of hugs let alone words like I LOVE YOU.from my Dad. so I stared to tell him and show him Love, to this day he still gets in those dark places, and i will message him lifting him up as I can.. he might be having issues

[junkmanhunter]

Something I don't think anyone mentioned, have you talked to him and asked if he is using some kind of drug? Probably won't get the truth, but you might be surprised.

I would definitely have that discussion with him


Best of luck and will be praying for you and your family.

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[TxHamJello]

Reading through all of the previous recommendations, the only thing I can think of to add is to remember there is another end to the punishment stick - reward. If there is something you 2 can do together that he absolutely loves, let him know you will go do that thing when X happens. Sounds like he isn't responding terribly well to the punishment end, maybe the reward end will work?

One thing that does seem clear, if he is ok sitting out in the heat all evening doing nothing... He is spending an awful lot of time thinking about something.

If you're so inclined, pray with him. Ask God for his guidance in helping your son.

It's hard and confusing growing up, and it's hard and confusing raising them.

[Mr. Stickers]

Make sure he knows that you love him more than anything on this earth, and you want nothing but the best for him. Try to get across the point that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help him be a success and to learn how to make good decisions for himself. You'll be tough and be hard on him if required, but your goal is to see him succeed in every way. Get that across to him more than anything else.

And then listen to him. Really listen. Help him navigate whatever he's struggling with. Don't fix everything for him. Help him take responsibility for his own actions and decisions. And you take responsibility for yours. If you realize any mistakes on your end, apologize like a man to him. Treat him with love and respect and expect the same from him.

It doesn't sound like it'll be easy. Prayers sent, brother. Hang in there. Tough love is both tough AND loving.

Exactly this ^^^^^ Well said Shane