major marriage problems, advice please?

[bowhuntingw]

im not one to ever air out my personal stuff on here. I comment on hunting stuff but nothing else normally. ive seen several posts in the past of fellow tbhers reaching out to the GS for advice. most of us are cut from the same cloth. I never dreamed I would be "airing out" my personal problems on here but this site has always been a wealth of knowledge and support... so here goes.

I have been happily married for 24 1/2 years. I have a wife and 2 kids, one in college and one a sophomore in HS. we built our first house in 2008. ever since then, the pressure of life and finances has slowly consumed me. the one thing my wife and I ever argue about is money. im a tightwad its sad to say. there have been arguments over the years over just a few hundred dollars at times, high cc bills, me questioning purchases, etc. we get past it, make up and move on. over and over and over. i've always been "that guy" that didn't need counseling, because I was always right and had all the answers. ive been very controlling at times. 2018 and so far this year have been really rough on us financially. major medical bills, house flooding, etc. its taken its toll on me and thus our marriage. a little over 2 weeks ago it came to a head. my wife told me there were other options for happiness. she was considering divorce. and to make matters worse, at that precise time, she met a mystery person, through social media. this person lives no where around here, but has managed to tap into her weakened heart and say the some things that has field voids, voids that I have created due to neglect and lack of affection in recent months and maybe even the last year or so. they have never even actually met or even talked on the phone, but for some crazy reason he has become a bit of a threat to me now. we have discussed it all openly and she admitted it to me this week when I asked. he literally popped up, the week before I was told there are other options. ever since that night, I have been in full reaction mode. it has been uncontrollable for me. literally a 180 degree swing in 2 weeks. affection, trying to be more loving, kissing her when she walks by, reading her every move, gesture, eye contact etc. its embarrassing at how I have been. now any "I love you" or any kiss I get is strictly reactionary from her from me initiating it. im trying to back off and give her space but its difficult. we were actually slowly climbing that hill upwards until the setback about this mystery guy surfaced this week. today, together we took a step forward and cut the ties with this mystery social media guy and even deleted the app. there is a bit of trust issue I now have with her, which will only complicate matters. we have our first appointment with a Christian based marriage counselor this coming week. I am terrified to say the least. ive always thought my marriage was bulletproof, having taken my wife for granted and allowing financial stuff to interfere with what is really important. she is severely scarred inside im afraid. im scared to death that I am too late now. my goal is to save our marriage and instill the love and dedication I used to. her goal in all of this is making the right decision for happiness, being with me or without. we agree its going to take more love and dedication for us to survive this, but I really have my doubts if im going to get full dedication from her now due to my tract record. shes afraid im going to to go back to that person I was and I don't blame her one bit for being that way. we agree its going to be a slow process, that will require lots of patience and positive thinking and actions. I know she is leaning the other way right now for a fact. shes not sure she wants to get back on the "bus" so to speak. I never in all these years would dream I would be in this position, but I am. I've got faith the lord will help get us through this and salvage our marriage but I also know that there is no guarantee. we both pray for us every day. I really don't know what to do. im going this week to get some anxiety medication to help me control my emotions. im so afraid its too late and don't know what to do. im really leaning on this counseling we are about to embark on, to help us find some answers but I know with it, comes some potential dark days for us. it feels like we have a 50%chance at best right now. any advice fellas?

[DuckDogTrainer]

Don’t beat yourself up over the past. Fix your eyes on Jesus and start being the husband that God called you to be today. You can’t change the past. Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.

[Pedernal]

Advice is twofold.

1) Continue to pray along with her. Follow the path that The Good Lord desires us to walk.

2) Address the financial issues that from what you mentioned are a large source of your marriage issues.

Remember that the problems did not grow or come to be by the flip of a switch and therefore will not be fixed by a flip of the switch type change. Both of you will need to work hard at it in order to make it work. Lastly, be mindful that you can not change her just as she can not change you. Both of you will need to choose to make the necessary self changes to make it work.

Prayers up for you and your family.

[Killer]

Your taking the first big step by putting it down on paper/green and talking about it with a counselor. Prayers it works out.
Now that you realize what you did to drive her away you can work on getting her back.

My one bit of advice is never take your wife for granted and always remember marriage is a compromise between two people that love each other.

[bowhuntingw]

im just worried that if the commitment level is not the same for both of us with this, its going to fail. just a few weeks ago, literally, it was so much better than it is now. it has literally been the flip of a switch. the outside influence I feel had a huge affect on her. I don't understand how a person can develop feelings for someone they've never met, thru messaging, and on a limited basis at that. i feel its superficial feelings at best but with a wife that is very unstable mentally right now, she actually believes it. if I get full commitment out of her i know we have a chance. I just don't want her to quit on us and years down the road we're both saying "what if". I have been a changed father and husband the last few weeks and my family has acknowledged it. but it takes time, lots of time i know, to prove it to them that im going to change. im scared shes going to quit before i have time to prove it.

[Tejas Wildlife]

YOU will have to continually work on not returning to the “old you”, which you admit needs to change. SHE will have to continually work on not returning to the “old her”, who admitted to listening to someone else. BOTH OF YOU will have to learn to trust each other again. THAT is the hardest part. Good luck to both of you and stay close to the LORD, as so many others on here have mentioned.

[RattlesnakeDan]

If you are a christian man then you must be the spiritual leader you were called to be. The Bible says that you are the head of the woman and the head of the house, not the other way around. It says not to give your power to a woman for she was deceived and continues to be. It says that a woman should respect and obey her husband and on and on but todays world says that the woman is strong and independent and that a man is a no longer the head. Man is the head of a woman just as Christ is the head of the church.
I preface with this to say before you beat yourself up too bad, your wife is not following her role and has had extramarital affairs in her heart and should be ashamed and repent of that foolishness, it is unacceptable. The Bible tells us not to become embittered with our wives, why? because He knew we would. The Bible tells us that the woman is weak and so we must also treat her like a flower because of this frailty. It is a balancing act all the time but the rules must be set by the word of God. No man is perfect, we all have our hangups as well as woman so we trust what God has told us, the advice He gives and so we have a strong foundation. There are rules and boundaries in baseball to keep the game honest, where are those rules and boundaries in marriage.
I pray God leads you to a true godly counselor, even the christian ones rarely teach the truth. I will pray that this marriage gets back on track according to what God wants from you both.

[BC288]

Praying for you both, sir. The Bible is full of people who God tested and they went through trials, all just to grow their relationship with him and to strengthen their faith. Fix your eyes on him, as he forgives and loves us unconditionally. With his love, your wife will too. Good luck, dont give up, and try not to let fear control you.

[miket]

I have no advise, Im a multiple time loser and not qualified. But I have been where you are, in fact eerily similar excepting the length of marriage. I truly feel for you, I know it is a terrible, gut wrenching time. I will pray for yall.

[Texas8point]

Let me start with something you may not want to hear...… whichever way it goes you will survive this.
Im sure after 24 yrs she will embrace the counseling and the "new" you. You both need to be all in. Pray for each other, pray together. Ask her to forgive you and then make an honest effort to change.

[FLASH_OUTDOORS]

Where are you located?


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[warrington]

Prayer
Decrease or stop social media yourself
Don’t tell her a promise that you don’t intend to keep long term
Women are fragile, we are usually dominating, got to stop
Financial- need to tak with her about y’all a financial status
Are you a tight wad because you don’t make enough money or because you are keeping ally for retirement - retirement money is less valuable without your spouse
Don’t dig into her social media, let it play out
My family is not on Facebook or twitter- I would recommend you al stop as a family
Admit your faults and that you understand you need to change
Don’t point out her faults to make you look more innocent
Don’t use godly advice to just save your family, you need to truly change and be the head of the house hold and show your family that you believe that you have failed at building the home around Jesus
You can’t do it alone, pray and start to truely turn you lif over to him
Don’t read the Bible just to show your wife that you are unless you are wanting to truely change- she will read right through it- do it for yourself and your family

[sierracharlie338]

It sounds like you are wanting to take the right steps and are moving in the right direction. Work your *** off to make that marriage work if that’s what you both want. It takes two for a marriage to work.


Sierracharlie out…

[TheHammer]

Prayer
Decrease or stop social media yourself
Don’t tell her a promise that you don’t intend to keep long term
Women are fragile, we are usually dominating, got to stop
Financial- need to tak with her about y’all a financial status
Are you a tight wad because you don’t make enough money or because you are keeping ally for retirement - retirement money is less valuable without your spouse
Don’t dig into her social media, let it play out
My family is not on Facebook or twitter- I would recommend you al stop as a family
Admit your faults and that you understand you need to change
Don’t point out her faults to make you look more innocent
Don’t use godly advice to just save your family, you need to truly change and be the head of the house hold and show your family that you believe that you have failed at building the home around Jesus
You can’t do it alone, pray and start to truely turn you lif over to him
Don’t read the Bible just to show your wife that you are unless you are wanting to truely change- she will read right through it- do it for yourself and your family

This is all solid advice!

[RiverRat1]

If you are a christian man then you must be the spiritual leader you were called to be. The Bible says that you are the head of the woman and the head of the house, not the other way around. It says not to give your power to a woman for she was deceived and continues to be. It says that a woman should respect and obey her husband and on and on but todays world says that the woman is strong and independent and that a man is a no longer the head. Man is the head of a woman just as Christ is the head of the church.
I preface with this to say before you beat yourself up too bad, your wife is not following her role and has had extramarital affairs in her heart and should be ashamed and repent of that foolishness, it is unacceptable. The Bible tells us not to become embittered with our wives, why? because He knew we would. The Bible tells us that the woman is weak and so we must also treat her like a flower because of this frailty. It is a balancing act all the time but the rules must be set by the word of God. No man is perfect, we all have our hangups as well as woman so we trust what God has told us, the advice He gives and so we have a strong foundation. There are rules and boundaries in baseball to keep the game honest, where are those rules and boundaries in marriage.
I pray God leads you to a true godly counselor, even the christian ones rarely teach the truth. I will pray that this marriage gets back on track according to what God wants from you both.

I agree with a lot of this. That's not saying you're perfect. But IMO when it comes to finances YOU are responsible for your whole families financial future. Since the burden is on your shoulders it can be stressful.

The counselor should be able to help with this side of the problems you're having.

Sounds like you need to agree on a budget. A real budget. May not be easy to set up and get started. Agree on a budget and then agree to lay off her spending as long as it stays in the budget.

A lot of women do not understand how lucky they are to have a man that cares about money. I had this struggle with my wife for years. Eventually she saw that me being crazy about finances paid off and it's all good.