Funniest joke you've heard recently

[CabezaBlanca]

A little boy hears a strange a noise coming from his moms bedroom one night. He sneaks in and sees his mom, naked, rubbing herself all over saying I need a man, I need a man.

This goes on for several nights.

A week later he hears a very different noise coming from moms bedroom. Again, he sneaks in and sure enough she has a man in bed with her.

He runs back to his bedroom, strips off all of his clothes, jumps in bed and starts rubbing himself all over saying….I need a bicycle, I need a bicycle.

[tvc184]

Definition of pregnancy - something taken seriously that was poked in fun.

[Chew]

A blonde is standing in front of a coke machine for 30 minutes. Shoving in dollar bills and then lining up the canned drinks on the sidewalk. Finally a guy loses his patience and says, "Ma'am. Do you mind stepping aside for a second. My wife is thirsty".

The blonde says, "SHHHHHHHHH! I'm winning!"

[Sticks&Strings]

Some pretty good ones on here.

All I have is dad jokes.

Do you know how to make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk

[51Chevy]

A texan walks into a bar in New York City and announces that the drinks are on him tonight. When he sits down at the bar, the bartender asks him what he’s celebrating. The texan replies “My wife just gave birth to a baby boy.” The bartender congratulates him and says “What did your boy weigh?” The texan replies “25 pounds.” The bartender is amazed and replies “ Wow, that a huge baby boy!”. The texan replies “Everything is bigger in Texas!”

A week goes by and the texan walks back into the same bar and sits down. The bartender recognizes him and asks “How’s that new baby boy?” The texan replies “He’s great!” The bartender then asks him”How much does he weigh now?” The texan says “15 pounds!” The bartender says “What happened to him? He weighed 25 pounds last week and now he only weighs 15 pounds this week.” The texan replies “Had him circumcised!”

[TxHamJello]

Great jokes! Thanks, but feel free to keep them coming . . .

[jdg13]

From a few years ago

Barack Obama was visiting a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy said: "If my friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss." Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your a** it wouldn't be an accident either!"

[tvc184]

Three married couples went to join a church. There was an older couple, a middle-age couple and some newlyweds.

The preacher welcomed them but said they had to pass a test first. Each couple had to go for 2 weeks without having sex.

Two weeks later all three couples showed back up at the church.

The preacher greeted the older couple and said how did you do? They said we had no problem. The preacher said welcome to the church.

The middle aged couple was next and when they preacher asked, they said the first week was OK, the next week was kind of tough but they made it. The preacher then said welcome to the church.

The newlyweds told the preacher, we are sorry but we didn’t make it. When the preacher asked what happened the husband said, “The first two days were really tough. On the third day my wife reached for something on a shelf and I saw her short dress slide up over her butt and we had sex right then”.

The preacher said, I’m sorry to hear that but you’re not welcome in our church.

The husband said, “I know and we aren’t welcome back in Walmart either“.

[dosrobles]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Lean beef

An old couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary by renewing their vows in Hawaii. Old age had kept them from being intimate for 10 years. The husband got a prescription for viagra to surprise his bride. They return to their hotel room after dinner and he tells her they are going to consummate their vows. The wife says, “That’s wonderful, but you should know that I have developed acute angina over the years.

The husband says, “baby, I’m glad to hear that because your b00bs are hanging down to your knees”.

[powderburner]

Can you believe that they are still together???

With all the crap they have been through...
All the ups and downs..

I know your butt checks are amazing

[bloodtrail18]

Did your hear about the guy that had trouble swallowing a viagra?

...Gave him a stiff neck for hours.

[Hunting4fun]

This is the Cowboys year. I'm serious.

[E.TX.BOWHUNTER]

A Cajun and a Texan were talking about the biggest catfish each had caught. The Cajun said his biggest was 27 inches. The Texan said his largest was 36 inches. The Cajun said that as one heck of a big fish to be 36 inches he'd to tail. The Texan then explained to the Cajun "in Texas, we measure our fish between the eyes! "

[E.TX.BOWHUNTER]

What do you call it when a cow jumps a barbed wire fence? An utter disaster.

[E.TX.BOWHUNTER]

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.