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    Colonoscopy

    For those of you who have suffered this horrendous indignity you might relate.

    Colonoscopy Journal:

    I called my friend
    Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
    for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in
    his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
    lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at
    one point passing briefly through
    Minneapolis.

    Then Andy explained
    the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
    and patient manner.

    I nodded
    thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
    because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
    TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office
    with some written instructions, and a prescription for a
    product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large
    enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep
    in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
    never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
    enemies.

    I spent the next
    several days productively sitting around being
    nervous.

    Then, on the day
    before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
    accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
    food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is
    basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the
    evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
    powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill
    it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the
    metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have
    to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
    MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
    mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint
    of lemon.

    The instructions for
    MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense
    of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery
    bowel movement may result.'

    This is kind of like
    saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
    experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear
    laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have
    you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
    the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There
    are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
    spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
    spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And
    then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have
    to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far
    as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and
    start eliminating food that you have not even eaten
    yet.

    After an
    action-packed evening, I finally got to
    sleep.

    The next morning my
    wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
    was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
    experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
    I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you
    apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
    would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had
    to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
    totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then
    they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
    where I went inside a little curtained space and took off
    my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
    designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put
    it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
    actually naked.

    Then a nurse named
    Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand
    Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good,
    and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some
    people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

    At first I was
    ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
    pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy
    to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around
    in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to
    burn your house.

    When everything was
    ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
    Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist I
    did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it
    hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at
    this point.

    Andy had me roll over on
    my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
    something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music
    playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
    'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all
    the songs that could be playing during this particular
    procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
    appropriate

    'You want me to turn
    it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
    me...

    'Ha ha,' I said. And
    then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more
    than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
    because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
    exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea.
    Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
    'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the
    next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a
    very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at
    me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
    more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
    that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never
    been prouder of an internal organ.
    On the subject of
    Colonoscopies...

    Colonoscopies are no
    joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
    humorous. A physician claimed that the following are
    actual comments made by his patients (predominately male)
    while he was performing their
    colonoscopies:

    1. Take it easy Doc.
    You’re boldly going where no man has gone
    before.

    2. 'Find Amelia
    Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me
    NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there
    yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
    yet?'

    5 'You know, in
    Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the
    trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your
    left hand in, you take your left hand
    out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know
    how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand
    doesn't fit, you must quit!

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me
    know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be
    an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know
    why I am not gay'

    And the best one of
    all:

    13. 'Could you
    write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
    there?

    #2
    Love the Dave Barry'ish write up!!
    my favorite (and often used) method of story telling.
    Good stuff!

    Comment


      #3
      Awesome.

      Comment


        #4
        Reading this was funny,glad everything went fine

        Comment


          #5
          hah!!! its more Dave Barry-ish than I thought

          Comment


            #6
            Good read! I've had one at 15-16 not fun...

            Comment


              #7
              Funny but not funny at the same time as I get to experience this for the first time Monday morning.

              Comment


                #8
                Yeah I've had that indignity before. The next one is scheduled for this summer. The procedure itself isn't so bad. It's the day before that stinks!

                Comment


                  #9
                  I laughed out loud several times...now I have to get all the water off the desk and computer monitors.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Glad everything went ok...thanks for the laughs

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by rjet View Post
                      Funny but not funny at the same time as I get to experience this for the first time Monday morning.
                      That's only funny because of your user name

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Yep that is a pretty accurate description

                        Comment


                          #13
                          I think I would rather listen to Dancing Queen than wake up in the middle of the procedure!

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by El Viejo View Post
                            Yeah I've had that indignity before. The next one is scheduled for this summer. The procedure itself isn't so bad. It's the day before that stinks!
                            Speak for yourself!

                            Comment


                              #15
                              It was the most relaxing sleep I have had. I also wonder what I have said. Once I remember before I was put under how beautiful the nurse was. I always wonder if I made a fool of myself.


                              Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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