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Old 10-26-2020, 06:04 PM   #1
Turtlewax
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Default Has your wife fallen back in love with you?

Mine told me a few days ago that she feels nothing when I kiss her. We've been together 11 years and married for 6. Those words sucked the wind right out of my lungs faster than anything in my life.

I've been a horrible husband, and she has been an angel. I've never touched her but the mental abuse from arguments and mistakes made has taken a toll almost to the point of no repair. I have never been unfaithful and neither has she to my knowledge, she wouldn't be able to hide it, just as I wouldn't.

She told me for the last few years she has been wanting to leave, but didn't know how, or just kept waiting to see if I would change. I'm not sure why she stayed to be honest. The things that came out of my mouth makes me just want to beat myself and cut out my tongue. Being selfish on top of that did not help either. I never put her first but maybe a few times in 11 years. Her heart has hardened as it should....and I don't know if I can repair it.

I suffer from depression which escalated with the passing of my mother in 2016 then my father in 2018. Bed ridden in 2017 for 8 months with a back injury surely didn't help things move along either. I have never been diagnosed nor sought care, but something inside me is off and I know it is.

I inherited a large sum of money when my mom passed. I quit my job to focus on our house remodel ( I am a Commercial GC). The intention was to finish the remodel and get back to work but the back injury mentioned above comes into play a few months into the remodel. Being bed ridden, the house sat in an unfinished state and still does to this day. I lost all motivation to continue with it to be honest. I became a hermit and cut off all communication with colleagues and friends as well as my wife. Not working and living off the inheritance I starting waking up later and later and going to bed later and later. I stopped showering, brushing my teeth for days on end. I knew it was wrong, but I just could not motivate myself to make it happen. No matter how hard I would try my brain would talk me out of it somehow. Days went by that turned into months and finally years of this self destruction to myself. I had no want to live anymore. Everyday was excruciating to be here. I am smart enough to know what to do to be a successful human, as I was one before this onset, I just could not find the motivation until she told me that she wants to talk about separating.

That was 96 hours ago. Since then we have talked more than we have in 10 years. It has been a mix of emotions for both but she said she is willing to give it a day at a time to see if I can change and become the husband she married and deserves. I can't argue with that.

So with the biggest challenge of my life ahead of me I put on my big boy pants and got after it. I have begun the rebuilding of not only my life but ours as well. Hearing those words is what it took to snap me out of the darkest hole I have ever been in. I have never felt more alive than I have in the last few days, although there is still an uncertainty of how it will play out, I am going to become a better person than I once was. Doing things around the house, being able to have a civilized conversation without the blowups, but most of all proving to her that she will be number 1 for the rest of our time together. Nothing else matters at this point to me. I am both feet in and full speed ahead.

I see a therapist for the first time on Wednesday. My wife has expressed her desire for me to go over the last few years, but with my stubborn self and the stigma of going to a therapist I was not interested. I found a former veteran who I thought I can click with being a vet myself. We spoke briefly on Saturday and I am excited to meet him and begin healing. Doing this also proved to my wife how serious I am. I have given nothing but lip service for 11 years, it's time for actions now.

I will take it one day at a time, as that's all any of us can do anyways. I will keep my head high and remember the bigger picture at hand when faced with adversities. I have a long road ahead of me and am willing to fight for it to the end. For those of you that read this, this has been very hard for me to write. I am exposing my demons for the world to see and criticize. But.....that is what I need right now, people who have been in similar situations that can offer hope and or advice. I come to TBH because I now what a wonderful group this is. I don't fit in with them skinny jeans types.

So my question is, has your wife ever fallen back in love with you?
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:15 PM   #2
austinRecurve
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Love is an action. Act.

https://strongermarriageworkshops.com/Welcome/

I would suggest listening to their podcast, reading their book.
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:16 PM   #3
hogslayer78
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All I can say is kudos to you for admitting you have a problem and for wanting to fix it! Im sure others that have been through something similar will be along to offer more than I have but I will definitely be praying for you and her. She obviously loves you or she would have left long ago from what I read
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:18 PM   #4
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Everything you're doing now,is good for you.If it happens,it happens.Stay the course,and good luck!

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Old 10-26-2020, 06:19 PM   #5
RascalArms
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Kudos to you brother. My wife and I were separated for about 8 months after 4 years of marriage. She stuck it out....I stuck it out and made some changes. We have endured a wide range of ups and downs but have managed to stay married now for 32 years.

Regardless of how it ends up for y’all it sounds like you are in desperate need of some changes sir. It will have its challenges but it appears you at least know what is at stake. Work on YOURSELF first and become the best you can be. The rest will follow and work itself out IMO.
Good luck and may God bless your marriage.
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:19 PM   #6
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Marriage is a give and take from both sides. You now see where you failed as a husband and hopefully things will get better one day at a time. I know I said and did some things to my wife of 47 years and we still argue, but she has stuck with me through thick amd thin. Not sure why but she has.

I hope your enlightenment will show your wife you are trying and hope she gives you that chance. Good luck.

Do some small things, like flowers, a small gift here and there and keep telling her you love her, want to be with her forever and ask her what you need to do to be a better husband and provider.
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:22 PM   #7
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Prayers for you marriage can be hard work but a good one is worth the effort
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:24 PM   #8
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I would suggest both of you reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book changed my wife and I life.
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:26 PM   #9
miket
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I am a multiple marriage failure so have no advice for you, but it sure sounds like you know what you need to do and are doing it. Best of luck to yall
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:33 PM   #10
bps3040
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My buddy and wife both had lawyers and were done. Someone gave him The Love Dare book. He figured he had nothing to lose. Still together 10 years later The book and some counseling worked wonders


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Old 10-26-2020, 06:37 PM   #11
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Yes, the first eight years of our marriage stunk. And we're on sixteen years now. We have had to learn how to communicate, love each other 200% ' because some days one of us might be 100%' . We will be praying for you and your wife.
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:38 PM   #12
meltingfeather
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Good on your for realizing that you were headed down a path you don't want to be on and being willing to do the hard work of righting the ship.
Good on her for being open to that.
Now get after it! Next best thing is all you have to worry about. This moment. Right now.
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:38 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Turtlewax View Post
My wife has expressed her desire for me to go over the last few years, but with my stubborn self and the stigma of going to a therapist I was not interested.
I think this is likely a pivotal issue for her that will need to be addressed for her heeling...I would encourage you to address what she feels is important. It will likely be rewarding.

Good on you for taking the steps to make it right...anything is possible with Love!!
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:44 PM   #14
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Those words had to hurt. Glad you are not giving up. Hope the two of you work it out.
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Old 10-26-2020, 06:46 PM   #15
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Incredible strength you are showing. It takes a lot for a man to admit he is wrong. Even to himself. Much more to air it out here. I donít have the lengthy marriage that many have on TBH (just celebrated 9 years), but I look forward to being one of those 40+ year marriages. I too was selfish and argumentative. We went to counseling, read books together, but the greatest thing we ever did was find a church home and get rooted in the Lord.

As mentioned earlier, love is an action. Flowers and things are nice, but you were given two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listen to her. Sheíll communicate her needs and desires. It may be that you need to make time for her and take her out. It may also be that you need to get the kids dressed and ready in the morning or do a load of dishes.

5 love languages is a fantastic book. Lots of great relationship info there that will help with not just your marriage, but friendships and business relationships well.

Remember how you felt when she said she was leaving. Remember the fire youíve got right now. Much like going to the gym or dieting. Until you create new, better habits, you have to persevere until they are second nature. Remember and donít allow yourself to fall back into those old routines. Goodluck!


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Old 10-26-2020, 06:48 PM   #16
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Congrats on taking the decision to do all you have so far. Counseling is a great idea. You might also look for a good group of friends who y'all can be open with that are willing to listen and be a support group.
Most churches have something like that they may call "life groups" or "home groups". Maybe a TBH'er in your area would know of a good church. Sometime our own strength and determination to change needs some reinforcements backing you up.

As for me I will pray for the two of you.
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:01 PM   #17
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Iíll second the posts above. And Iíll add this

Yíallís problems didnít come about overnight, they wonít get cured overnight. And they will be a lifetime work. Donít allow yourself to ever reach a point of ďits fixedĒ, marriage takes daily effort. Love isnít so much a feeling, although it is a large part. But itís a ďI donít much care for you at this moment, but I choose to work through it for today because I love youĒ

Also, while trying to reconnect with her, donít ďjustĒ do what she wants done. What I mean is, donít just change enough to make her happy. Work on yourself every day, to be the kind of man that you would want your son to be or your daughter to marry, and make sure that every day you are being the best man/husband that you can be. And honestly, donít worry too much about how she reacts to you. She may very well be reserved for a while, making sure that she isnít getting her hopes up for no reason. In a perfect world, if we want to make things work out, we would forgive and open the door. But we are all human, and we have the tendency to want to wait and see if itís real change, or ďstay with me changeĒ. Iíve been there, Iím speaking from experience

Be honest with your counselor. Be blunt with your counselor. Be real with your counselor. I went through a tough, tough program in 2011. One that I honestly did NOT want to go through. But my wife knew that I needed to, and pushed me to do it. It changed our lives. You put in the effort to change yourself and figure out what you need to do to be a better man, and do that for not only her, but ultimately for yourself. Iím willing to bet that if you fix you, she'll come around. It sounds like sheís wanting things to work, sheís just tired of being the only one working on it. Iíll keep you in my prayers. If you ever need to talk, PM me and Iíll give you my number.
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:01 PM   #18
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My wife and I have been together 25 years. It's had it's ups and downs, as all relationships do. There was a time, if not for the kids, I think we would have separated. We worked through it and everything seems better now. Congrats to you for stepping up and admitting your failures. That is the first step to making anything better. I wish both you and your wife a happy life together from this day forward. Good luck and you're in my prayers!
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:05 PM   #19
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to your question, nope
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:12 PM   #20
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Marriages all have their problems. We are constantly changing. I've been married 38 years and it's been a roller coaster for sure. She sounds like a hell of a woman, sounds like you're on the right path. I always did stuff to show my wife how much I loved her but that's not what she wanted. Just sometimes you need to just listen. Good luck




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Old 10-26-2020, 07:15 PM   #21
austinRecurve
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Quote:
Originally Posted by borocat View Post
I would suggest both of you reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book changed my wife and I life.
Great book, my wife and I read it before we got married. Every couple should read it.
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:23 PM   #22
IvoryRoot
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Good luck. I hope it works out for yíall.
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:31 PM   #23
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Love is an unselfish choice. Not what you feel. Choose to love her. Choose to give selflessly of your time and energy to her. Love her first and she will respond. It may take time but in the end that's what we have.

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Old 10-26-2020, 07:32 PM   #24
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Yes, my wife absolutely fell back in love with me. Weíve got 17 years of marriage behind us now. It was her depression, of the post partum nature, that pushed me away. When we finally got to the point of talking about it, our marriage began to turn back into what it once was. That was the first big domino to fall. Then the rest started coming together again after that.

Depression ainít no joke. Her depression infuriated me and broke my heart at the same time. Cause I knew she was hurting. And I couldnít fix it.

It can be done.
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:33 PM   #25
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G-d be with both of yíall. 35 years with mine and itís worth the battle to have a woman that has given that much to make it work. Get healthy brother!
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:43 PM   #26
Turtlewax
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First of all, I did not expect this much support this fast. You guys are something else. Thank you to all for the words of encouragement, they definitely mean a lot. I knew I couldn't have been the only one to ever be in this situation. It took a lot to reach out and open up.

I have talked with her and spent time with her since I posted this. She called me on her way home from work and i could hear a little more spark in her voice. It felt good to hear that. When she came home she initiated a hug and then a kiss which made me want to cry like a 5 year old. These are small positive steps that will build on each other day by day. I will take everyone I can get.
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:50 PM   #27
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I will also add...a good woman thrives off of a good man. Vice versa to an extent (I'm not trying to cause a battle of the sexes). If you're trying to better yourself, a good woman will support and reflect the same. I enjoyed your latest report, and it sounds like y'all are off to a good start.
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:51 PM   #28
Turtlewax
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Originally Posted by TxDispatcher View Post
Iíll second the posts above. And Iíll add this

Yíallís problems didnít come about overnight, they wonít get cured overnight. And they will be a lifetime work. Donít allow yourself to ever reach a point of ďits fixedĒ, marriage takes daily effort. Love isnít so much a feeling, although it is a large part. But itís a ďI donít much care for you at this moment, but I choose to work through it for today because I love youĒ

Also, while trying to reconnect with her, donít ďjustĒ do what she wants done. What I mean is, donít just change enough to make her happy. Work on yourself every day, to be the kind of man that you would want your son to be or your daughter to marry, and make sure that every day you are being the best man/husband that you can be. And honestly, donít worry too much about how she reacts to you. She may very well be reserved for a while, making sure that she isnít getting her hopes up for no reason. In a perfect world, if we want to make things work out, we would forgive and open the door. But we are all human, and we have the tendency to want to wait and see if itís real change, or ďstay with me changeĒ. Iíve been there, Iím speaking from experience

Be honest with your counselor. Be blunt with your counselor. Be real with your counselor. I went through a tough, tough program in 2011. One that I honestly did NOT want to go through. But my wife knew that I needed to, and pushed me to do it. It changed our lives. You put in the effort to change yourself and figure out what you need to do to be a better man, and do that for not only her, but ultimately for yourself. Iím willing to bet that if you fix you, she'll come around. It sounds like sheís wanting things to work, sheís just tired of being the only one working on it. Iíll keep you in my prayers. If you ever need to talk, PM me and Iíll give you my number.
Thank you so much. I needed to hear this as this really describes us perfectly. Thank you for the additional support as well. I truly appreciate it.

I read this post to her as I felt it summed up exactly what we are going through and how we are feeling.

She is 100% gun shy at this time. Like you said she is looking for actions now, she's tired of the same ol song and dance. She wants me to change for me just like you said. She said everything will fall into place if that happens.

Thank you again sir. You could not have summed this up any better.
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:55 PM   #29
Turtlewax
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Muskles View Post
I will also add...a good woman thrives off of a good man. Vice versa to an extent (I'm not trying to cause a battle of the sexes). If you're trying to better yourself, a good woman will support and reflect the same. I enjoyed your latest report, and it sounds like y'all are off to a good start.
She said this exact thing yesterday. We need to be building each other up each day, not me tearing it down. We both need to put in equal amounts of support and effort. I failed on that end. I cannot see if it will be too little too late or not, time will tell.

The fact that she is willing to stay and talk and has not left gives me hope.

thank you again.
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:57 PM   #30
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Big compliments to both of you - lots of character being shown. For her, hanging in there hoping that change would eventually come and not giving up. For you, even though it took years, you’ve had one of those “moments of clarity” where you look at everything in a new light and become dedicated to make it right. That kind of introspection is not easy and a lesser man is not capable of doing it. Don’t beat yourself up about the past - do what you can day by day to grow and make amends.
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:02 PM   #31
Turtlewax
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Originally Posted by Preacher Man View Post
Yes, my wife absolutely fell back in love with me. Weíve got 17 years of marriage behind us now. It was her depression, of the post partum nature, that pushed me away. When we finally got to the point of talking about it, our marriage began to turn back into what it once was. That was the first big domino to fall. Then the rest started coming together again after that.

Depression ainít no joke. Her depression infuriated me and broke my heart at the same time. Cause I knew she was hurting. And I couldnít fix it.

It can be done.
As did the same with mine. She is upset with herself for not being able to fix me and watch me fall apart. She tried and tried and I just wouldn't have it. I am happy to hear that you were able to get back on track as well. Talking and being honest with each other has opened both our eyes. We both tend to hold it in and deal with it. It feels good to talk to her and have a connection again.
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:04 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by jerp View Post
Big compliments to both of you - lots of character being shown. For her, hanging in there hoping that change would eventually come and not giving up. For you, even though it took years, youíve had one of those ďmoments of clarityĒ where you look at everything in a new light and become dedicated to make it right. That kind of introspection is not easy and a lesser man is not capable of doing it. Donít beat yourself up about the past - do what you can day by day to grow and make amends.
Thank you. It was a moment of clarity for me. I hadn't thought of it that way but that is exactly what it was. I feel alive again and can see past the front door. I tend to think of the past quite a bit and at first I was bitter about it. Now i look at it as learning curves and try to get the positive out of it if any at all.
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:06 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Turtlewax View Post
First of all, I did not expect this much support this fast. You guys are something else. Thank you to all for the words of encouragement, they definitely mean a lot. I knew I couldn't have been the only one to ever be in this situation. It took a lot to reach out and open up.

I have talked with her and spent time with her since I posted this. She called me on her way home from work and i could hear a little more spark in her voice. It felt good to hear that. When she came home she initiated a hug and then a kiss which made me want to cry like a 5 year old. These are small positive steps that will build on each other day by day. I will take everyone I can get.
I sense thereís a huge weight off your shoulders. The fact that sheís willing to stay and continue to try to work it out is absolutely fantastic. Remember this feeling.......count your blessings.....but above all....make it count.
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:08 PM   #34
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Good on you for taking action. Good luck and hope it works out for the best!
Now go brush your teeth and shower! That's gross!!
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:12 PM   #35
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Good luck to ya...………
Did my wife, fall back in love with me ????
No...…..but then, she never loved me to begin with...……..
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:16 PM   #36
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Best of luck sir. My Best is advice is to constantly be aware of complacency. You can and will get it together right now. You are scared to death and that motivates change. But I’m cautioning you about a month from now or six months or a year when complacency sneaks up on ya and you don’t realize your falling back to your old ways. Have to fix the problems that caused you to spiral out of control. Not just the symptoms it caused such as being lazy and depressed all the time. You got this. Keep moving forward brother ... GB
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:27 PM   #37
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Good luck op. What we achieve too easily, we esteem too lightly. Itll be hard work but worth it.
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:31 PM   #38
Crazy Horse
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Hunt In: Lavaca County
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Prayers sent for continued strength & healing
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:31 PM   #39
switchbackxt
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New Caney, Tx
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Quote:
Originally Posted by borocat View Post
I would suggest both of you reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book changed my wife and I life.
^^^^^^^^^^
This right here 1000%. 6 years into my marriage I had tried my best to destroy our marriage. Reading your post made me cringe as though I was reading about myself except I did cheat. This book and a lot of hard work by both of us helped to get us to 20 Oct 2020 which was our 25th anniversary. It can be salvaged if you are willing to change. And yes she can fall in love with you again.

READ THIS BOOK!
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:32 PM   #40
parkchief100
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Decatur, Texas
Hunt In: Sunset, Colorado
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Recognizing that you needed to change is a huge step in the right direction. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us! When both of you put God first your marriage will flourish as neither one of you will be trying to put yourself first. Blending two people into one is a hard thing to do. Keep the spark alive and she will feed off of it as well. Before you know it the two of you will be best friends again!
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:48 PM   #41
Buckrider
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Terrell
Hunt In: Fairfield
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Turtlewax View Post
First of all, I did not expect this much support this fast. You guys are something else. Thank you to all for the words of encouragement, they definitely mean a lot. I knew I couldn't have been the only one to ever be in this situation. It took a lot to reach out and open up.

I have talked with her and spent time with her since I posted this. She called me on her way home from work and i could hear a little more spark in her voice. It felt good to hear that. When she came home she initiated a hug and then a kiss which made me want to cry like a 5 year old. These are small positive steps that will build on each other day by day. I will take everyone I can get.




Sure miss those days of being able to hunt a lease for a nominal cost that didnít create greed and a feeling of despair if you didnít kill something!
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:56 PM   #42
John Paul
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Pleasanton
Hunt In: Blackhill, McCoy, Encinal
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Love Language 2000 percent. We are going on 15 years and have often gotten to a place that we have to remind each other we are not the same but we got married because we have common goals, and if you work knowing each other’s love language things get way better way quicker. That and remembering there are 3 in this marriage, her, me and Jesus in the middle. Also get a chance to watch Fireproof. Really good show about marriage, I won’t say good luck because marriage takes work. So put your boots on and get to work, you both deserve it. Will be praying for y’all.
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Old 10-26-2020, 09:09 PM   #43
trophy8
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Georgetown Texas
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I don’t have any advice. But I will pray for the both of you and may God guise both of your steps on the path he intends you to be on.
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Old 10-26-2020, 09:15 PM   #44
skinsfan
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Corpus Christi
Hunt In: Goliad/Medina County
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A good Therapist will help a ton if you are ready to change. No shame in counseling, I saw someone for almost a year in 2009 after having some anxiety issues. It opened so many doors and really helped me get in touch with myself. I am a MUCH better person as a result! Another piece of advice is exercise some, not necessarily pumping iron but go for a walk. 30 minutes a day will change your life. Kudos to you for admitting something is off and working to save your marriage. I’ve been married 10 years and can’t imagine a day without her by my side!
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Old 10-26-2020, 10:38 PM   #45
Shane
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Location: Abilene, TX
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There isn't a wife or husband on the planet that, at one point or another, didn't feel "in love" with their spouse. If you are focused on fixing yourself, rather than on your wife's flaws, then you are on the right path. Marriages that fail are the ones where at least one person is only focused on the other's flaw and how the other person needs fixing. Marriages that succeed are the ones where BOTH people do their best to be better spouses for the benefit of their spouse. Selflessness > selfishness.

Prayers sent for you and your wife, brother. It's definitely doable.
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Old 10-26-2020, 10:58 PM   #46
toledo
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: College Station
Hunt In: the road by your lease
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Congratulations on having the balls to admit your wrongs and the fortitude to fight back to where you need to be.
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Old 10-26-2020, 11:59 PM   #47
No-Tox
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Rockwall County
Hunt In: Ellis County
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It's time for a fresh start. Ask her out for a date this weekend and treat it like it is your first date. You know, the one where you are trying to impress her with your love and kindness but most of all that you are giving her all the attention to get to know her.
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Old 10-27-2020, 12:43 AM   #48
Where's Bruce?
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: A subject in the People's Republik of Mexifornistan
Hunt In: Wherever I draw a tag
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Took 3 yrs of couch time for me to get my anger issues and hair trigger under control...that was 24 years ago. Your wife is still with you and you accept the responsibility for the problems. Will she fall in love with you again? Only if you make her. Love rules without rules. Stay focused on the future, break routine, surprise yourself & her...love doesn't die, you must kill it. Stop trying to kill it and love lives. Nurture it and it thrives. The hard part is letting go of the past. G'luck.
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Old 10-27-2020, 12:55 AM   #49
tmurray
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cypress, TX
Hunt In: Webb County
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Be a winner dammit, you know what it takes. I won’t apologize for being direct. Go win your wife back. It’s gonna be hard. You’re motivated now but what are you going to do a month from now if things stall? Keep grinding brother. You can do this. Go get it done.
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Old 10-27-2020, 01:39 AM   #50
Button
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Join Date: Sep 2020
Location: Gorda
Hunt In: Mostly the ocean
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I have suggestions or more or less leads/thoughts/ hopefully helpful but it’s taboo. Not in any sort of kinky way. Maps.org
I’m reluctant to say that especially being a newcomer but the results from what I’ve read are promising.
I wish the best for y’all. I hope y’all find that spark and turn it into burning passion.
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