any good disfunctional family christmas stories

[SwampRanger]

[QUOTE=glen;10910779]Many yeas ago
My parents house. My brother and I have the exact same guns Sig P220. I had done some trigger work and my brother wanted me to work on his. So we cover the pool table with a sheet and take his gun apart and work on it for about an hour. Mom calls for us to come eat. We all go eat and my brother goes and puts his gun back together except for the washer in the grip. He has a habit of dropping on in the pipe closing the action and then seating the magazine. Well he does this except the magazine does not go in because the washer is not in the gun. We look for the washer for about an hour and then give up. He then asks me if I felt his trigger. I pick it up-aim at a dot on the side of the pool table and sqeeze of the round in the chamber. round goes through the pool table down into the carpet goes under a wall and comes up out of the carpet in another room and striking my Mom in the collar bone and then bounced up and landed on my wife's head burning the hair and her scalp.
Well the bullet was a hydro-shock and my Mom's collar bone is bleeding from the exposed point and we are thinking it may have fractured her collarbone. We load up and goto the hospital to have X-rays and my brother being an EMT calls ahead and explains what happened. Return from hospital only to have HPD crime scene all over the house. My Mom starts making plates for the Detectives that are talking to my bother and I. Get done talking to us and then state they are headed to the hospital to interview the gunshot victim. My Mom pipes up and says that she is right here. Detectives leave and a Parol Officer stays around while Crime Scene gets everything. Patrol Officer stays around for a few hours and sits and eats evening meal with family and we even had him say the prayer for the meal. My Mom fixes him a plate of cookies and pie and fixes him a large glass of milk to take with him. Patrol Officer takes plate but refuses milk saying he didn't want to take her container. About 15 minutes later our doorbell rings and it is the Patrol Officer saying everything is closed and he will be happy with a glass of milk. We all laughed and he came in and played cards and spent another hour or two at the house. He stopped by my parents house every Christmas after that until he
So I guess we qualify- I shot my Mom and wife on Christmas.[/QUOTE

You my friend are the winner ......😫🤕

[Saltej_77]

This thread has completely brightened this cold Afghan morning!! Holy smokes, I am dying! I feel as if I need to find more dysfunction. Typically I am the one most our funny family stories are told about and even then its all just funny drunk times, in a family of "boring". No fights, no cops, no nothing. I need to party with some of yall.

[Chew]

At the time the house we were at is a nice house in Atascocita.

Oh dang. These people live too close. But I know where to go for raisin potato concoction

[Bowhuntingobsession]

JHT I'm trying to hunt and your cracking me up. Try to keep it down a little. But keep em coming!

[TxBobcat]

The first Christmas with the ex's family was a good one.

The ex and her brother had warned me its best to do not talk to their mother unless she talks to you. She had always been friendly to me, I just thought they were over reacting.

It comes apparent later that they are all scared to death of her.

I had met the parents & one of her brothers before but I was the new guy at the party. I get a flat on the way. I get filthy changing the tire. I get a call asking why I was late. I tell them about the flat and that I was on my way. I was too far from home to go change so I went for it.

I get to the house and everybody is out in the front yard waiting for me. I bought the ex a mountain bike for Christmas and bought her parents a 4 pack of wine. About 25-30 people.

I get out of the truck and grab the bike & wine. Her Mom grabs the wine and tosses it in a cabinet in the utility room. I find out later that she's not a big fan of alcohol because of her bi-polar meds. "If I can't have any no else can" mentality. In fairness I hadn't told the ex I was bringing booze or she could have warned me.

I go to the half bath in the utility to wash up. Unfortunately for me someone had layed a steamer so vile it made me gag. As I am washing up everybody came back inside walking through the utility room. The kids are all laughing and the adults are coughing. There was no pinning it on anybody. In front of everybody her Mom says "Go upstairs next time John." I said it wasn't me, nobody fessed up. Oh well.

I enter the kitchen and smell resembled some sort of food like substance. I scan the spread. I was 30 at the time and couldn't even tell what half of it was.

I start getting introduced around and then we sit down to eat. Mom passed out the plates to everyone sitting at the table. Mine had half the stuff I couldn't identify.

Her Dad was a trim carpenter his whole life. His two sons worked for him growing up and one still did.

So for the next hour the conversation is between Dad & brothers talking about all the jobs/$$ they got screwed out of. Sometimes blaming each other. Mom would chime in on the stories about not getting paid on time. Screaming and hollering so loud it was impossible for anyone else to speak. Festivus in full mode.

Dove in to the food. I thought I was safe with turkey, salad and some potato like substance with 100 raisins in it. Nope.

I have eaten Saltines with more moisture than the turkey. Figured I would soak it in gravy and get through it. Take a bite of the salad and nearly spit it back out. The mother makes her own salad dressing. She takes 5-6 onions and tosses them in the blender then pours the juice over the salad. Not very tasty. I dive into the raisin thing and it wasn't too bad.

Few quarts of gravy and I get the bird down.

As I am looking across the table pretty everyone had re-arranged the food on their plate not really eating anything. As I had.

I later find out the kids all eat before they get there and toss the food in the garbage when the hollering starts.

The construction nightmare stories calm down. Then somebody brings up getting screwed buying a new car recently. Another hour of that. That subsides and her mother asks me how is everything. I say its all great. Love the potato raisin combo. Ex's brothers & sister looked me as if I had just stabbed their kids. For years they had been trying to get her to stop making it but with my thumbs up it was here to stay.

Mom then went on a rant about how much effort she put into all the food and no one is eating enough. Then tells everyone she cooked the turkey 5 days ago and wondered if it was too dry. Nobody says a word to her.

One of the Uncles asks me how was the hunting last weekend. We had hammered a ton of does and I start telling them about it. Ex starts muttering to shut it down. An Aunt and a brothers wives were vegetarians. They are looking at me as if I had stabbed their children too.

I tried to get up from the table but the ex said no one leaves the table until coffee is served. I don't drink coffee. Her parents know I don't drink coffee. No big deal. I can sit there. Another hour of everybody complaining about something in their lives. Were finally done.

I pull one of the son in laws aside asking him what just happened there. He laughed. Run or get used to it.

Time to open presents. I am expecting nothing so I just sat there watching the clock. We had a 5 hour drive to my family's bash when this was over. Everybody is sitting in a big circle in the living room. Things are slowing down. Her mother comes and hands me a gift bag kinda smiling saying I had to get you something.

I open it up and it is a can of those toffee chocolate coffee stirrers. I thought it was some sort of family joke. I hold up the can and tell her mother I don't get it, is this a joke? Deadly silence filled the room. I set it down in the bag and didn't say a word the rest of the evening.

Dessert time. The entire family watched Mom knock out an entire bowl of Cool Whip straight from the bowl. I could only laugh at this point.

When we finally left my ex cried for an hour so embarrassed. She had hoped it would be different this time but nope. It never changed.



Some of the gifts myself and the other son in law got later:

Tape, assorted hangars, can of peanuts, checkerboard minus the checkers, nails, zip ties, batteries, coupons, salt & pepper, eye glass repair kit for someone who doesn't wear glasses, gum, a San Diego Chargers towel, (we all live in Texas), key chains, postcards.


Prkchop on TBH has met them. Maybe he will read this. I took their crew up to our family ranch a few times during deer season over the years. We still talk about it today. When I say talk I mean crying our eyes out laughing.

If I wrote a book about them no one would believe it was true.

You win. I'm crying from laughing so hard.

[JHT]

Oh dang. These people live too close. But I know where to go for raisin potato concoction

You got a good tracking dog right?

Find a Porta Potty that's percolating in the summer. Set it on fire.

Dump a few drag strips in the mess.

Train the dog for the track. Next 11/27/16 take your dog over US 59 west on 1960 and let it loose.

Enjoy.

[lotsofshots]

Just had a revelation ... JHT is the GarGuy of Christmas stories!

[GarGuy]

Just had a revelation ... JHT is the GarGuy of Christmas stories!

Lol! Thats a heck of a compliment to me! JHT has me beat bad. I have a mental image of the entire event.

[Hart8]

My god!!! My girlfriend and I just read a couple of these stories in the blind.All of em were great,but the one about the tape,nails,post cards,etc..Had us in stitches!!! That's the funniest christmas story I've ever heard!!lol

[JHT]

I was telling an old bud about this thread.

He said even though it wasn't a Christmas story you have to tell them the wedding story. This one validated the stories I had told friends & family about this crew. No doubters now.

One thing you have to know about this crew is they are the biggest tightwads you have ever met. That is an entire different thread.

We got married in Del Lago in Conroe. Go up Friday afternoon. Event planner had everything already setup. Ex is ecstatic. Planner says lets go have a drink. i say I have to run up the room real quick, I will meet y'all there.

I find out what room her parent's are staying in. I have a talk with them. I told them how much we spent. (not a dime from them) I told them how much time their daughter has spent working on this. I told them she had tears of joy running down her face when she saw the reception setup.

I said the only thing that could ruin this would be any un-needed stress. The Mother got offended. The Dad understood where I was coming from. He's a good guy and we always got along.

You have to understand they don't see any dysfunction in their family. They think its normal. My ex is the only one who saw things differently.

She finally got the point. I asked them to have this exact same discussion with their family. They agreed and I left.

I didn't tell ex because she would have thought it would have an adverse effect and made things worse.

The rehearsal dinner was pretty much over. I was coming back into the room and I could see my gang/family pointing and laughing. I turn the corner and started laughing too. A group of them had gone down to the restaurant and got about 20 to go boxes and were boxing up everything leftover from the Mexican buffet we had for dinner. Everything. Ex was already gone. No way they could cram it into the mini fridges in the room.

Not one issue/scene/fight at the wedding and the reception. I can only assume all the free food and booze had them in some state of euphoria that disabled their dysfunction gene.

We eat breakfast and head to the airport for Playa Del Carmen for the week.

Ex is sitting there staring out the window chilling. I asked her whats up.

She said that was the first time in her life her family got along for 48 hours without a bomb going off. I don't see how it happened. I honestly couldn't believe it either.

When I get home and check my email I knew something happened. One did go off. I call a buddy and he started cracking up when he saw it was me. He fills me in. He is the biggest fan of these stories.

The resort breakfast buffet was a good one. Not a big place. Maybe 30 or so tables. $25 adults, $20 kids. Huge sign at the front door. It had everything. Mostly filled with my family and friends. Everybody is having a good time and then they start pushing tables for a big group. Yep her crew and some kickers. Everyone says hi blah blah.

Before they sit down the Dad says dig in. I am buying today. They hammer the buffet. Everybody's ordering espressos/fancy coffee drinks. Kids are all having milkshakes. He said it was completely obvious they all were sticking it to the old man since he said he was buying. Everyone knows that stuffs not included.

None of my friends & family left. They wanted to see the check hit the table.

He said the place was packed at this point.

Check hits. Mom takes a look at it. She lets out a scream so loud everybody in the place froze. Followed by a just as loud "680.00 dollars? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

First to get assaulted was the Manager by the group. They ganged up on him complaining about the $10 coffee drinks saying if its a buffet they should be included. Complained about the gratuity being included. Basically all the cheapskate scams trying to get the bill lowered. Manager didn't budge and walked off.

Then they turned on each other. No one was willing to chip in. They all said they were broke cause the rooms were so expensive. None of them would even consider splitting the bill. This goes on and on. They are slinging the check folder back and forth the table screaming "You Pay"

He said they basically shut the buffet line down cause people were too scared to go by the table they are screaming so loud.

Finally the Dad grabs the check and tells them all to leave. They bolt for the door. He pays and leaves. Once the door closes those in the know are on the floor crying their eyes out. The other guests are still sitting there in disbelief not understanding what they just saw.

I was just happy some others got to see it live to see I can't make this stuff up.

Bud was saying ex is going to lose it when she finds out.

Its hard to fathom that its just another family gathering. It never came up again.

[Mayhem]

I was telling an old bud about this thread.

He said even though it wasn't a Christmas story you have to tell them the wedding story. This one validated the stories I had told friends & family about this crew. No doubters now.

One thing you have to know about this crew is they are the biggest tightwads you have ever met. That is an entire different thread.

We got married in Del Lago in Conroe. Go up Friday afternoon. Event planner had everything already setup. Ex is ecstatic. Planner says lets go have a drink. i say I have to run up the room real quick, I will meet y'all there.

I find out what room her parent's are staying in. I have a talk with them. I told them how much we spent. (not a dime from them) I told them how much time their daughter has spent working on this. I told them she had tears of joy running down her face when she saw the reception setup.

I said the only thing that could ruin this would be any un-needed stress. The Mother got offended. The Dad understood where I was coming from. He's a good guy and we always got along.

You have to understand they don't see any dysfunction in their family. They think its normal. My ex is the only one who saw things differently.

She finally got the point. I asked them to have this exact same discussion with their family. They agreed and I left.

I didn't tell ex because she would have thought it would have an adverse effect and made things worse.

The rehearsal dinner was pretty much over. I was coming back into the room and I could see my gang/family pointing and laughing. I turn the corner and started laughing too. A group of them had gone down to the restaurant and got about 20 to go boxes and were boxing up everything leftover from the Mexican buffet we had for dinner. Everything. Ex was already gone. No way they could cram it into the mini fridges in the room.

Not one issue/scene/fight at the wedding and the reception. I can only assume all the free food and booze had them in some state of euphoria that disabled their dysfunction gene.

We eat breakfast and head to the airport for Playa Del Carmen for the week.

Ex is sitting there staring out the window chilling. I asked her whats up.

She said that was the first time in her life her family got along for 48 hours without a bomb going off. I don't see how it happened. I honestly couldn't believe it either.

When I get home and check my email I knew something happened. One did go off. I call a buddy and he started cracking up when he saw it was me. He fills me in. He is the biggest fan of these stories.

The resort breakfast buffet was a good one. Not a big place. Maybe 30 or so tables. $25 adults, $20 kids. Huge sign at the front door. It had everything. Mostly filled with my family and friends. Everybody is having a good time and then they start pushing tables for a big group. Yep her crew and some kickers. Everyone says hi blah blah.

Before they sit down the Dad says dig in. I am buying today. They hammer the buffet. Everybody's ordering espressos/fancy coffee drinks. Kids are all having milkshakes. He said it was completely obvious they all were sticking it to the old man since he said he was buying. Everyone knows that stuffs not included.

None of my friends & family left. They wanted to see the check hit the table.

He said the place was packed at this point.

Check hits. Mom takes a look at it. She lets out a scream so loud everybody in the place froze. Followed by a just as loud "680.00 dollars? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

First to get assaulted was the Manager by the group. They ganged up on him complaining about the $10 coffee drinks saying if its a buffet they should be included. Complained about the gratuity being included. Basically all the cheapskate scams trying to get the bill lowered. Manager didn't budge and walked off.

Then they turned on each other. No one was willing to chip in. They all said they were broke cause the rooms were so expensive. None of them would even consider splitting the bill. This goes on and on. They are slinging the check folder back and forth the table screaming "You Pay"

He said they basically shut the buffet line down cause people were too scared to go by the table they are screaming so loud.

Finally the Dad grabs the check and tells them all to leave. They bolt for the door. He pays and leaves. Once the door closes those in the know are on the floor crying their eyes out. The other guests are still sitting there in disbelief not understanding what they just saw.

I was just happy some others got to see it live to see I can't make this stuff up.

Bud was saying ex is going to lose it when she finds out.

Its hard to fathom that its just another family gathering. It never came up again.

Good thing you got out of that family.

[IowaHunter]

Good thing you got out of that family.

Yes, but he has stories for the rest of his life.

[BigL]

Bump to see if anyone can add anything this year

[Statton48]

Shoved my cousins head through a wall and tore down a door....all at the same time. Merry Christmas

[Leonhogboy]

Funny thread, what happened to Harry_Reed?