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    #16
    Congrats on taking the decision to do all you have so far. Counseling is a great idea. You might also look for a good group of friends who y'all can be open with that are willing to listen and be a support group.
    Most churches have something like that they may call "life groups" or "home groups". Maybe a TBH'er in your area would know of a good church. Sometime our own strength and determination to change needs some reinforcements backing you up.

    As for me I will pray for the two of you.

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      #17
      I’ll second the posts above. And I’ll add this

      Y’all’s problems didn’t come about overnight, they won’t get cured overnight. And they will be a lifetime work. Don’t allow yourself to ever reach a point of “its fixed”, marriage takes daily effort. Love isn’t so much a feeling, although it is a large part. But it’s a “I don’t much care for you at this moment, but I choose to work through it for today because I love you”

      Also, while trying to reconnect with her, don’t “just” do what she wants done. What I mean is, don’t just change enough to make her happy. Work on yourself every day, to be the kind of man that you would want your son to be or your daughter to marry, and make sure that every day you are being the best man/husband that you can be. And honestly, don’t worry too much about how she reacts to you. She may very well be reserved for a while, making sure that she isn’t getting her hopes up for no reason. In a perfect world, if we want to make things work out, we would forgive and open the door. But we are all human, and we have the tendency to want to wait and see if it’s real change, or “stay with me change”. I’ve been there, I’m speaking from experience

      Be honest with your counselor. Be blunt with your counselor. Be real with your counselor. I went through a tough, tough program in 2011. One that I honestly did NOT want to go through. But my wife knew that I needed to, and pushed me to do it. It changed our lives. You put in the effort to change yourself and figure out what you need to do to be a better man, and do that for not only her, but ultimately for yourself. I’m willing to bet that if you fix you, she'll come around. It sounds like she’s wanting things to work, she’s just tired of being the only one working on it. I’ll keep you in my prayers. If you ever need to talk, PM me and I’ll give you my number.

      Comment


        #18
        My wife and I have been together 25 years. It's had it's ups and downs, as all relationships do. There was a time, if not for the kids, I think we would have separated. We worked through it and everything seems better now. Congrats to you for stepping up and admitting your failures. That is the first step to making anything better. I wish both you and your wife a happy life together from this day forward. Good luck and you're in my prayers!

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          #19
          to your question, nope

          Comment


            #20
            Marriages all have their problems. We are constantly changing. I've been married 38 years and it's been a roller coaster for sure. She sounds like a hell of a woman, sounds like you're on the right path. I always did stuff to show my wife how much I loved her but that's not what she wanted. Just sometimes you need to just listen. Good luck




            Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

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              #21
              Originally posted by borocat View Post
              I would suggest both of you reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book changed my wife and I life.
              Great book, my wife and I read it before we got married. Every couple should read it.

              Comment


                #22
                Good luck. I hope it works out for y’all.

                Comment


                  #23
                  Love is an unselfish choice. Not what you feel. Choose to love her. Choose to give selflessly of your time and energy to her. Love her first and she will respond. It may take time but in the end that's what we have.

                  Sent from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

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                    #24
                    Yes, my wife absolutely fell back in love with me. We’ve got 17 years of marriage behind us now. It was her depression, of the post partum nature, that pushed me away. When we finally got to the point of talking about it, our marriage began to turn back into what it once was. That was the first big domino to fall. Then the rest started coming together again after that.

                    Depression ain’t no joke. Her depression infuriated me and broke my heart at the same time. Cause I knew she was hurting. And I couldn’t fix it.

                    It can be done.

                    Comment


                      #25
                      G-d be with both of y’all. 35 years with mine and it’s worth the battle to have a woman that has given that much to make it work. Get healthy brother!

                      Comment


                        #26
                        First of all, I did not expect this much support this fast. You guys are something else. Thank you to all for the words of encouragement, they definitely mean a lot. I knew I couldn't have been the only one to ever be in this situation. It took a lot to reach out and open up.

                        I have talked with her and spent time with her since I posted this. She called me on her way home from work and i could hear a little more spark in her voice. It felt good to hear that. When she came home she initiated a hug and then a kiss which made me want to cry like a 5 year old. These are small positive steps that will build on each other day by day. I will take everyone I can get.

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                          #27
                          I will also add...a good woman thrives off of a good man. Vice versa to an extent (I'm not trying to cause a battle of the sexes). If you're trying to better yourself, a good woman will support and reflect the same. I enjoyed your latest report, and it sounds like y'all are off to a good start.

                          Comment


                            #28
                            Originally posted by TxDispatcher View Post
                            I’ll second the posts above. And I’ll add this

                            Y’all’s problems didn’t come about overnight, they won’t get cured overnight. And they will be a lifetime work. Don’t allow yourself to ever reach a point of “its fixed”, marriage takes daily effort. Love isn’t so much a feeling, although it is a large part. But it’s a “I don’t much care for you at this moment, but I choose to work through it for today because I love you”

                            Also, while trying to reconnect with her, don’t “just” do what she wants done. What I mean is, don’t just change enough to make her happy. Work on yourself every day, to be the kind of man that you would want your son to be or your daughter to marry, and make sure that every day you are being the best man/husband that you can be. And honestly, don’t worry too much about how she reacts to you. She may very well be reserved for a while, making sure that she isn’t getting her hopes up for no reason. In a perfect world, if we want to make things work out, we would forgive and open the door. But we are all human, and we have the tendency to want to wait and see if it’s real change, or “stay with me change”. I’ve been there, I’m speaking from experience

                            Be honest with your counselor. Be blunt with your counselor. Be real with your counselor. I went through a tough, tough program in 2011. One that I honestly did NOT want to go through. But my wife knew that I needed to, and pushed me to do it. It changed our lives. You put in the effort to change yourself and figure out what you need to do to be a better man, and do that for not only her, but ultimately for yourself. I’m willing to bet that if you fix you, she'll come around. It sounds like she’s wanting things to work, she’s just tired of being the only one working on it. I’ll keep you in my prayers. If you ever need to talk, PM me and I’ll give you my number.
                            Thank you so much. I needed to hear this as this really describes us perfectly. Thank you for the additional support as well. I truly appreciate it.

                            I read this post to her as I felt it summed up exactly what we are going through and how we are feeling.

                            She is 100% gun shy at this time. Like you said she is looking for actions now, she's tired of the same ol song and dance. She wants me to change for me just like you said. She said everything will fall into place if that happens.

                            Thank you again sir. You could not have summed this up any better.

                            Comment


                              #29
                              Originally posted by Muskles View Post
                              I will also add...a good woman thrives off of a good man. Vice versa to an extent (I'm not trying to cause a battle of the sexes). If you're trying to better yourself, a good woman will support and reflect the same. I enjoyed your latest report, and it sounds like y'all are off to a good start.
                              She said this exact thing yesterday. We need to be building each other up each day, not me tearing it down. We both need to put in equal amounts of support and effort. I failed on that end. I cannot see if it will be too little too late or not, time will tell.

                              The fact that she is willing to stay and talk and has not left gives me hope.

                              thank you again.

                              Comment


                                #30
                                Big compliments to both of you - lots of character being shown. For her, hanging in there hoping that change would eventually come and not giving up. For you, even though it took years, you’ve had one of those “moments of clarity” where you look at everything in a new light and become dedicated to make it right. That kind of introspection is not easy and a lesser man is not capable of doing it. Don’t beat yourself up about the past - do what you can day by day to grow and make amends.

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