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Old 07-01-2008, 10:58 AM   #9
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Kingwood
Default My Wife Don't Hunt

John Shelley

My wife is a wonderful and beautiful woman but you couldn’t beat her with a stick and make her go hunting! The woman just ain’t gonna do it! She tolerates my obsession very well, but the woman just ain’t gonna do it!

It wasn’t always that way though. There was a time when she’d actually come along with me. Seems that women are more tolerant in the early years. But sadly, those days are long gone.

It all started before we were married. One evening, in one of those moments when women start dreaming of the future, and how they are gonna mold their man into the perfect husband, she started to plant the seed. “Honey, when we get married, you won’t go off hunting and leave me at home alone will you?” Being the astute person I am, I saw right through her little scheme! “Oh no baby, I’d never do that!” See, I was plantin’ some seeds of my own.

Funny isn’t it, how a simple little statement can have two entirely different meanings? She took that to mean, I would never go hunting. I took it to mean she’d always come with me!

Well the wedding day came – August 19th and me and the little woman entered into a life of wedded bliss. Life was good. Then September 1st rolled around and dove season opened! “Okay baby – I’m gonna go shoot some birds – see you after dark!” That was the first time I ever got “the look”! But she was still working on molding me, so she said “Well wait, I want to go too”. See, I told you women were more tolerant in the early years!

So, I scratched around in the closet and found some old camo clothes that would work for her and off we went to shoot some birds. We found a nice big sunflower patch and threw down a couple of folding stools and settled in to wait for the birds. Now if you’re from Texas, you already know how hot it can get even in early September. I sorta got “the look” again when the sweat from her head made her mascara start dripping off her chin! She was beginning to become a little less tolerant I think. But she’s a trooper and hung in there throughout the evening.

About here I guess I should mention that since she didn’t have any hunting boots, she wore flip flops to the dove hunt. That’ll be significant as the story unfolds.

A couple of times during the afternoon I noticed her squirming a little and scratching her feet and ankles. I passed it off to boredom and didn’t think much more about it. When I finally finished off the 2nd box of shells it was getting close to dark, so I picked up my two birds and we headed back to the house. The squirming and scratching intensified a little on the way home, but still I didn’t think much about it. Guys can be a little slow sometimes!

Back at the house, I told her to go ahead and get her bath and relax while I fixed us a delicious dinner with the two dove. By the time she got out of the tub, I had dinner ready and the table set with the only two plates we had that matched. It was lovely. Grilled dove breast wrapped in bacon and stuffed with a jalapeņo, wild rice, and corn on the cob. She was impressed. She even commented on how good the rice was. I ate my dove. She bit down on a # 9 birdshot and spit hers out! I sorta got “the look” again! She was beginning to get less tolerant!

After dinner, we retired from the dinning room to the den (which was the other end of the same room). In fact, the whole house was the other end of the same room! It was an 8X40 trailer house, but it was home and we were happy. I turned on the TV and adjusted the foil on the rabbit ears a little until we could sorta make out the picture and we cuddled up on the inflatable couch. Life was good.

I had a hard time concentrating on the movie though ‘cause the woman kept squirming and scratching her dang feet and legs! But I’m a tolerant person and I put up with it ‘cause I was still trying to mold her. Apparently the itching was getting pretty bad because she sat up and turned on the lamp.

She screamed out like a panther! “Oh my God look at my legs! What’s wrong with me?” And she gave me “the look” again!

“Uh oh, CHIGGERS!” She had them solid from her waist to her knees and from her knees to her toes they were stacked on top of each other! Chiggers eatin’ chiggers! It was an awful sight! She gave me “the look” again. She gave it to me real hard!

So, my wife don’t hunt no more! But at least she’s still tolerant – well sorta!
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