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Old 06-30-2008, 06:46 PM   #7
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Kingwood
Default Valentine Disaster

John Shelley

It seemed like such a romantic plan at the time - how could things go so wrong!

Valentine’s Day fell on Saturday this year and I had worked all the week to get things in place for a romantic evening with my little bride. Now, generally I’m not your romantical type of fellow, but I sort of had a weak moment and just knew this plan would be something special for me and my sweetie, something she’d remember for years to come. Well, I was right about part of it - she ain’t forgot it yet and hasn’t let me forget it either.

The plan was to load up the little wife in the bass boat and motor across Lake Whitney to big island with a sandy beach. I had just the spot in mind since I’d seen it many times while white bass fishing near the island. I planned on taking a picnic basket with a meal I would prepare ahead of time along with a bottle of wine, a portable cassette tape player, a folding card table and chairs, some candles and a blanket to lay on the sand.

Getting her in the boat in the first place would be the hard part. The rest would be easy. As I have noted before - the Outdoors is NOT her friend! I was gonna have to come up with a real doozey of a story to ever pull this off. After spending most of the morning racking my brain for the right lie to get the job done, I was no closer to an answer. So, I did what any man who wears the pants in his family does - I resorted to begging!

After several hours of whining and whimpering, I finally talked her into going along on this wonderful romantic candlelight dinner by the sea - okay, by the lake - same thing! We drove to the lake, loaded all the goodies in the boat and launched it. Wifey and all the goodies were in the boat when I pushed it off the trailer. So far so good. Then I dropped the rope and the boat started to drift away - wifey and all! “No honey - sit down! Stop screaming and jumping around like that. You’re gonna tip the boat over!”

“Okay - calm down now - just lower the trolling motor and drive the boat back over here.” “Of course you know what it is - it’s the thing on the front of the boat with the wires on it!” “Just tip it over the front and turn on the switch!” “Yeah, that’s it - good job - now just steer it this way.” “You’re doing great.”

“Whoa, whoa - stop! Look out for the tow rope!” “Oh crap - too late!” “Okay, okay, it’s gonna be okay - but you gotta stop screaming and jumping around like that. You’re gonna tip the boat over!”
“Okay now - dig the paddle out from under the seat and start paddling this way.” “Of course you do - it’s the long wooden thing with a handle on it!”

Well several minutes and one irate wife later, I got her back to the bank and secured the boat to the dock while I went and parked the trailer. Finally talked her back into the boat and away we go across the lake. All is well now - this is gonna be so romantic.

“Isn’t this nice baby? The lake is so calm and deserted. We’ll have the whole island all to ourselves.” “What do you mean your feet are getting wet?” “Oh crap! I forgot to put the plug in!” “No, wait - stop screaming and sit down - you’re gonna tip the boat over!” This just wasn’t going like I had planned!

I managed to get the plug in and we motored on over to the island. Okay, I think it’s gonna be okay now. So, I pull the boat up on the sand and start to unload the slightly damp picnic basket and other goodies. I sat the table up by the edge of the water and put the chairs in place. Laid the blanket on the sand and gathered some wood and started a fire.

The sun was just starting to set and I placed the food on the table and poured the wine. Soggy candles are a little difficult to light but if you hold them over a campfire long enough, they’ll finally catch. At this point, I’m still not sure if sweetie is having a good time or not, but she had finally quit trying to wring water out of her socks.

“Ain’t this nice baby? Just look at that beautiful sunset.” “How’s your hotdog?” “You want some more chili on that?” “Yeah, the table does seem to be leaning a little but it’ll be okay.” “I’m just so happy to be here with you. See, things turned out okay didn’t they?”

“I’m not sure what that smell is either, but it smells like something burning.” “Oh crap, the blanket is on fire!” “Hang on - I’ll get it.” I jumped up from the table and stomped out the fire on the blanket. It wasn’t too hard to do with soggy tennis shoes on. “Its okay baby - see, the hole isn’t that big!”

So, I sat back down to finish our romantic dinner by the sea - okay, lake - whatever! I’m trying so hard to set the mood, but I’m beginning to have my doubts about getting lucky now!

Well, I thought it was about time to make my move. So I put my arm on the table to lean across and give wifey a big kiss. With my weight on the table the leg sank into the sand and the table tilted a little more. Here comes everything my way! Including two burning candles!

A torrent of hot candle wax poured across the table and into my lap scalding big Jim and the twins! “Oh crap, that burns!” I dove into the lake in an effort to cool the boiling wax! Of course when I hit the water, the wax set up solid! Now I have a whole new appreciation for women who have the guts to get a bikini wax!

Okay, so how come when wifey gets her feet a little wet, she starts screaming and jumping up and down but when I get permanently branded, she is laughing hysterically? It’s hard to get romantical about a woman who is blowing wine out her nose! I’m ready to go home!

From now on, it’s a trip to Wal-Mart for chocolates and a card. You guys can have this romance! Who ever came up with this Valentines Day stuff anyway?
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