any good disfunctional family christmas stories

[Russ81]

Lol!

[RascalArms]

This thread has greatness all in it! JHT, you definitely take the prize so far!

[bowhunterchris]

ttt for the non search function using members

[Big 10]

Make this into a New Years Eve thread!!

[Outlaw_6]

Wow. We're so boring compared to a lot of you guys.

[quarterback]

Oh my goodness this thread has it all. This is internet gold! I read stuff and laugh (or feel really bad for whoever wrote it) then go away and then think about it and laugh again. Gold I tell ya.

[JHT]

One year my ex sent me an email chain she and her siblings had going with their parents for the Christmas Eve party plans.

They had devised a plan to not let their mother cook. They wanted to chip in and get to-go BBQ so she could take it easy.

She bit and the entire family was happy. The BBQ joint is 10 minutes from their house. Everyone wins. When we got there everybody would ante up and go get the food.

I will add alcohol is now included into the festivities. The old man would buy a 6 pack of suds. Mom would have a thimble of Bailey's & coffee and act hammered. We would bring our own. Major improvement here.

We get there and go in the house. My ex looks at me says "Oh no."

The food stench was alive. She cooked her favorites again.

Ex was asking her Mom why she did this, we all agreed on BBQ.

"Christmas wouldn't be the same without it. John, I made your favorite again."

I gave her a big hug and said thank you. If my ex wasn't preggo she would have kicked me in the junk.

Their Dad wasn't there. He went to get the BBQ.

Everyone shows up and all her family is giving it to her Mom about cooking. I'm pounding beers as fast I can. So is everybody else.

They start wondering where Dad is. He had been gone for over an hour. His cell phone was on the kitchen counter. Mom started freaking out. Sent one of her sons up to the BBQ place to find him.

They get a call, found him. Were on the way home.

They get home and there is only one bag of food. Not like a bulk order paper sack but one the size of to go at Mc Donalds breakfast.

The Mom starts yelling at Dad for taking so long and other garbage.

Bro in law that went to get him is cracking up. He tells me his Dad was sitting at a table drinking a beer just finishing up a big combo platter. Apparently he reached his breaking point.

The Mom busts into the to go bag. 1 lb of brisket, 2 cups of BBQ sauce. There are over 20 people there.

I can't stop laughing. Here we go again. Over the years I had gravitated to the kids table for the meal. Way more fun.

Ex, sister and Mom are cutting the brisket up so everybody could at least tast it.

Out of no where ex and her sister walk out of the kitchen looking like they saw a ghost. I followed them into the bedroom and they are freaking out.

Mom demanded she would use the family heirloom china for the meal. They couldn't talk her out of it. The mom never let them eat off it when they were growing up.

The kids aged from 4-12. Real clumsy guys. Anyone in the world could see whats coming but the mother.

Kids get in the chow line first. We were expecting our first child so we were safe. Her brother and sister must have said 100 BE CAREFUL to their boys.

First kid (her sisters) picks his plate up and makes it 5 feet from the kids table and screams OHHHCCH drops the plate. The raisin & potato concoction was really hot and burned his fingers. So he dropped it.

The sister almost starts crying apologizing to the Mom. Rather than freaking out the Mom said accidents happen and lets just get it cleaned up. None of the adults could believe it. I was ******. I was waiting for the eruption.

So the adults carried the kids food to the card tables we were eating on. I told them to leave the plates on the table, I will take them to the sink.

There's only one kid left at the table. Youngest sisters boy. I go take a **** and hear another crash. Somehow when he was getting up from the table his foot got hung up and he hit the deck. With the plate in his hand.

I run out to see the mother going ballistic. She sends all the kids out into the backyard then goes on a complete tear on the sister & son in law bagging on their kids. It went on for awhile.

Opened presents later. Two of the sisters boys got soccer balls.

Sister grabs the balls from her boys and says they stay in the box till we get back to Austin.

I was crushed. At the time the house we were at is a nice house in Atascocita.
Small backyard with with three big bay windows to send one through for the trifecta.

Hit Whataburger on the way home & called it a night.

[junkmanhunter]

My ex and I are pretty civil with each other.

Thanksgiving break this year she asked me if she could come get the girls early on Thanksgiving Day and bring them back after the "party" at her folks house. I asked what time. She said 9:00 am.

I didn't think too much about it. When she picked them up that morning I asked why so early? They were headed to family Thanksgiving breakfast. I asked like an early lunch? Nope. Just breakfast. A new tradition.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to go.

When she dropped our girls back off at my house that afternoon they went straight to the fridge grabbing food. I asked ex how it went and she wouldn't tell me since I she knew I was going to laugh my rear off.

Sounds like she has probably had her fill of it too. Just hope your girls see how crazy it is and don't act like that when they grow up

[low_tec]

One year my ex sent me an email chain she and her siblings had going with their parents for the Christmas Eve party plans.

They had devised a plan to not let their mother cook. They wanted to chip in and get to-go BBQ so she could take it easy.

She bit and the entire family was happy. The BBQ joint is 10 minutes from their house. Everyone wins. When we got there everybody would ante up and go get the food.

I will add alcohol is now included into the festivities. The old man would buy a 6 pack of suds. Mom would have a thimble of Bailey's & coffee and act hammered. We would bring our own. Major improvement here.

We get there and go in the house. My ex looks at me says "Oh no."

The food stench was alive. She cooked her favorites again.

Ex was asking her Mom why she did this, we all agreed on BBQ.

"Christmas wouldn't be the same without it. John, I made your favorite again."

I gave her a big hug and said thank you. If my ex wasn't preggo she would have kicked me in the junk.

Their Dad wasn't there. He went to get the BBQ.

Everyone shows up and all her family is giving it to her Mom about cooking. I'm pounding beers as fast I can. So is everybody else.

They start wondering where Dad is. He had been gone for over an hour. His cell phone was on the kitchen counter. Mom started freaking out. Sent one of her sons up to the BBQ place to find him.

They get a call, found him. Were on the way home.

They get home and there is only one bag of food. Not like a bulk order paper sack but one the size of to go at Mc Donalds breakfast.

The Mom starts yelling at Dad for taking so long and other garbage.

Bro in law that went to get him is cracking up. He tells me his Dad was sitting at a table drinking a beer just finishing up a big combo platter. Apparently he reached his breaking point.

The Mom busts into the to go bag. 1 lb of brisket, 2 cups of BBQ sauce. There are over 20 people there.

I can't stop laughing. Here we go again. Over the years I had gravitated to the kids table for the meal. Way more fun.

Ex, sister and Mom are cutting the brisket up so everybody could at least tast it.

Out of no where ex and her sister walk out of the kitchen looking like they saw a ghost. I followed them into the bedroom and they are freaking out.

Mom demanded she would use the family heirloom china for the meal. They couldn't talk her out of it. The mom never let them eat off it when they were growing up.

The kids aged from 4-12. Real clumsy guys. Anyone in the world could see whats coming but the mother.

Kids get in the chow line first. We were expecting our first child so we were safe. Her brother and sister must have said 100 BE CAREFUL to their boys.

First kid (her sisters) picks his plate up and makes it 5 feet from the kids table and screams OHHHCCH drops the plate. The raisin & potato concoction was really hot and burned his fingers. So he dropped it.

The sister almost starts crying apologizing to the Mom. Rather than freaking out the Mom said accidents happen and lets just get it cleaned up. None of the adults could believe it. I was ******. I was waiting for the eruption.

So the adults carried the kids food to the card tables we were eating on. I told them to leave the plates on the table, I will take them to the sink.

There's only one kid left at the table. Youngest sisters boy. I go take a **** and hear another crash. Somehow when he was getting up from the table his foot got hung up and he hit the deck. With the plate in his hand.

I run out to see the mother going ballistic. She sends all the kids out into the backyard then goes on a complete tear on the sister & son in law bagging on their kids. It went on for awhile.

Opened presents later. Two of the sisters boys got soccer balls.

Sister grabs the balls from her boys and says they stay in the box till we get back to Austin.

I was crushed. At the time the house we were at is a nice house in Atascocita.
Small backyard with with three big bay windows to send one through for the trifecta.

Hit Whataburger on the way home & called it a night.

JHT, please keep writing these family experiences down because this is great stuff

[JHT]

JHT, please keep writing these family experiences down because this is great stuff

Its not just the holidays with that gang.

Weddings/anniversaries/birthday parties were were filled with the same classic memories.

Anytime there was more of five of them together something was bound to happen.

[Roland2014]

Its not just the holidays with that gang.

Weddings/anniversaries/birthday parties were were filled with the same classic memories.

Anytime there was more of five of them together something was bound to happen.

I hope you or others don't find this question offensive, but what is there ethnicity?

[JHT]

I hope you or others don't find this question offensive, but what is there ethnicity?

Mostly Polish.

[Davoh]

Mostly Polish.

I know a polish guy... Sounds pretty typical of his family too...

[Jspradley]

The first Christmas with the ex's family was a good one.

The ex and her brother had warned me its best to do not talk to their mother unless she talks to you. She had always been friendly to me, I just thought they were over reacting.

It comes apparent later that they are all scared to death of her.

I had met the parents & one of her brothers before but I was the new guy at the party. I get a flat on the way. I get filthy changing the tire. I get a call asking why I was late. I tell them about the flat and that I was on my way. I was too far from home to go change so I went for it.

I get to the house and everybody is out in the front yard waiting for me. I bought the ex a mountain bike for Christmas and bought her parents a 4 pack of wine. About 25-30 people.

I get out of the truck and grab the bike & wine. Her Mom grabs the wine and tosses it in a cabinet in the utility room. I find out later that she's not a big fan of alcohol because of her bi-polar meds. "If I can't have any no else can" mentality. In fairness I hadn't told the ex I was bringing booze or she could have warned me.

I go to the half bath in the utility to wash up. Unfortunately for me someone had layed a steamer so vile it made me gag. As I am washing up everybody came back inside walking through the utility room. The kids are all laughing and the adults are coughing. There was no pinning it on anybody. In front of everybody her Mom says "Go upstairs next time John." I said it wasn't me, nobody fessed up. Oh well.

I enter the kitchen and smell resembled some sort of food like substance. I scan the spread. I was 30 at the time and couldn't even tell what half of it was.

I start getting introduced around and then we sit down to eat. Mom passed out the plates to everyone sitting at the table. Mine had half the stuff I couldn't identify.

Her Dad was a trim carpenter his whole life. His two sons worked for him growing up and one still did.

So for the next hour the conversation is between Dad & brothers talking about all the jobs/$$ they got screwed out of. Sometimes blaming each other. Mom would chime in on the stories about not getting paid on time. Screaming and hollering so loud it was impossible for anyone else to speak. Festivus in full mode.

Dove in to the food. I thought I was safe with turkey, salad and some potato like substance with 100 raisins in it. Nope.

I have eaten Saltines with more moisture than the turkey. Figured I would soak it in gravy and get through it. Take a bite of the salad and nearly spit it back out. The mother makes her own salad dressing. She takes 5-6 onions and tosses them in the blender then pours the juice over the salad. Not very tasty. I dive into the raisin thing and it wasn't too bad.

Few quarts of gravy and I get the bird down.

As I am looking across the table pretty everyone had re-arranged the food on their plate not really eating anything. As I had.

I later find out the kids all eat before they get there and toss the food in the garbage when the hollering starts.

The construction nightmare stories calm down. Then somebody brings up getting screwed buying a new car recently. Another hour of that. That subsides and her mother asks me how is everything. I say its all great. Love the potato raisin combo. Ex's brothers & sister looked me as if I had just stabbed their kids. For years they had been trying to get her to stop making it but with my thumbs up it was here to stay.

Mom then went on a rant about how much effort she put into all the food and no one is eating enough. Then tells everyone she cooked the turkey 5 days ago and wondered if it was too dry. Nobody says a word to her.

One of the Uncles asks me how was the hunting last weekend. We had hammered a ton of does and I start telling them about it. Ex starts muttering to shut it down. An Aunt and a brothers wives were vegetarians. They are looking at me as if I had stabbed their children too.

I tried to get up from the table but the ex said no one leaves the table until coffee is served. I don't drink coffee. Her parents know I don't drink coffee. No big deal. I can sit there. Another hour of everybody complaining about something in their lives. Were finally done.

I pull one of the son in laws aside asking him what just happened there. He laughed. Run or get used to it.

Time to open presents. I am expecting nothing so I just sat there watching the clock. We had a 5 hour drive to my family's bash when this was over. Everybody is sitting in a big circle in the living room. Things are slowing down. Her mother comes and hands me a gift bag kinda smiling saying I had to get you something.

I open it up and it is a can of those toffee chocolate coffee stirrers. I thought it was some sort of family joke. I hold up the can and tell her mother I don't get it, is this a joke? Deadly silence filled the room. I set it down in the bag and didn't say a word the rest of the evening.

Dessert time. The entire family watched Mom knock out an entire bowl of Cool Whip straight from the bowl. I could only laugh at this point.

When we finally left my ex cried for an hour so embarrassed. She had hoped it would be different this time but nope. It never changed.



Some of the gifts myself and the other son in law got later:

Tape, assorted hangars, can of peanuts, checkerboard minus the checkers, nails, zip ties, batteries, coupons, salt & pepper, eye glass repair kit for someone who doesn't wear glasses, gum, a San Diego Chargers towel, (we all live in Texas), key chains, postcards.


Prkchop on TBH has met them. Maybe he will read this. I took their crew up to our family ranch a few times during deer season over the years. We still talk about it today. When I say talk I mean crying our eyes out laughing.

If I wrote a book about them no one would believe it was true.

I felt extremely uncomfortable the entire time reading that...

Man I thought my family was weird..

[DaveC]

Great stories here.

I can only add that my birthday is the 23rd of December, so growing up my parents would use that as an excuse to throw a birthday/Christmas party that would turn into a bender for them & all of their friends.

I scored more gifts, and got to see wild stuff as a youngster.

When the parents got lit we would sneak beers to the bedroom and drink them in the closet. Eating the pot seeds culled during the roll up was on the list of fun things to do as well.