any good disfunctional family christmas stories

[chrisgunguy]

Ok...I'll play

This was back in 1996, my "then-wife" and I were at her Mom and Dad's apartment Christmas Eve night. As things always seemed to go with that particular set of inlaws, there was a little disagreement. I cant even remember what it was, but I recall it was fairly insignificant. To avoid any other words about it, I walked outside to have a smoke and get away from the arguing. After a few minutes, my (now ex) wife walks outside and shes still a little upset from the bickering that was taking place inside. Well, wouldnt you know it, we get in our own little argument outside the apartment, in the parking lot. Her mom sees us arguing, and still pee'd off, she comes up behind me and starts punching me in the back of the head. Now, keep in mind, I at no point saw her come outside. I had no idea who was hitting me. All I knew was I was getting hit, and fairly hard at that. In one fluid motion, I spun around and threw a left cross, blindly, in an attempt to hit "whoever" was punching me. Well, as my luck would have it, I connected. Wound up breaking her jaw, and blinding her in one eye.

Being that it was a woman, the cops couldnt really see my side of it, and I wound doing 16 days in the county lock up, on a class B assault case.

The ex and I actually stayed together another 17 years. I figured that would be the end of us, but it wasnt. The end was finding her in bed with a 17 year old boy, about a week before Christmas, back in 2012. Being that we had a 18 year old son, and this was his best friend at the time, I was disgusted to the point, I decided to just cut my losses, hopped on the Harley with only a change of clothes and my Kimber, and never went back.

That, my friends, is real disfunction...lol

I wonder how many here would have liked to be able to do that to their MIL......

Ive heard some real horror stories. Luckily my in laws are wonderful.

[JHT]

The first Christmas with the ex's family was a good one.

The ex and her brother had warned me its best to do not talk to their mother unless she talks to you. She had always been friendly to me, I just thought they were over reacting.

It comes apparent later that they are all scared to death of her.

I had met the parents & one of her brothers before but I was the new guy at the party. I get a flat on the way. I get filthy changing the tire. I get a call asking why I was late. I tell them about the flat and that I was on my way. I was too far from home to go change so I went for it.

I get to the house and everybody is out in the front yard waiting for me. I bought the ex a mountain bike for Christmas and bought her parents a 4 pack of wine. About 25-30 people.

I get out of the truck and grab the bike & wine. Her Mom grabs the wine and tosses it in a cabinet in the utility room. I find out later that she's not a big fan of alcohol because of her bi-polar meds. "If I can't have any no else can" mentality. In fairness I hadn't told the ex I was bringing booze or she could have warned me.

I go to the half bath in the utility to wash up. Unfortunately for me someone had layed a steamer so vile it made me gag. As I am washing up everybody came back inside walking through the utility room. The kids are all laughing and the adults are coughing. There was no pinning it on anybody. In front of everybody her Mom says "Go upstairs next time John." I said it wasn't me, nobody fessed up. Oh well.

I enter the kitchen and smell resembled some sort of food like substance. I scan the spread. I was 30 at the time and couldn't even tell what half of it was.

I start getting introduced around and then we sit down to eat. Mom passed out the plates to everyone sitting at the table. Mine had half the stuff I couldn't identify.

Her Dad was a trim carpenter his whole life. His two sons worked for him growing up and one still did.

So for the next hour the conversation is between Dad & brothers talking about all the jobs/$$ they got screwed out of. Sometimes blaming each other. Mom would chime in on the stories about not getting paid on time. Screaming and hollering so loud it was impossible for anyone else to speak. Festivus in full mode.

Dove in to the food. I thought I was safe with turkey, salad and some potato like substance with 100 raisins in it. Nope.

I have eaten Saltines with more moisture than the turkey. Figured I would soak it in gravy and get through it. Take a bite of the salad and nearly spit it back out. The mother makes her own salad dressing. She takes 5-6 onions and tosses them in the blender then pours the juice over the salad. Not very tasty. I dive into the raisin thing and it wasn't too bad.

Few quarts of gravy and I get the bird down.

As I am looking across the table pretty everyone had re-arranged the food on their plate not really eating anything. As I had.

I later find out the kids all eat before they get there and toss the food in the garbage when the hollering starts.

The construction nightmare stories calm down. Then somebody brings up getting screwed buying a new car recently. Another hour of that. That subsides and her mother asks me how is everything. I say its all great. Love the potato raisin combo. Ex's brothers & sister looked me as if I had just stabbed their kids. For years they had been trying to get her to stop making it but with my thumbs up it was here to stay.

Mom then went on a rant about how much effort she put into all the food and no one is eating enough. Then tells everyone she cooked the turkey 5 days ago and wondered if it was too dry. Nobody says a word to her.

One of the Uncles asks me how was the hunting last weekend. We had hammered a ton of does and I start telling them about it. Ex starts muttering to shut it down. An Aunt and a brothers wives were vegetarians. They are looking at me as if I had stabbed their children too.

I tried to get up from the table but the ex said no one leaves the table until coffee is served. I don't drink coffee. Her parents know I don't drink coffee. No big deal. I can sit there. Another hour of everybody complaining about something in their lives. Were finally done.

I pull one of the son in laws aside asking him what just happened there. He laughed. Run or get used to it.

Time to open presents. I am expecting nothing so I just sat there watching the clock. We had a 5 hour drive to my family's bash when this was over. Everybody is sitting in a big circle in the living room. Things are slowing down. Her mother comes and hands me a gift bag kinda smiling saying I had to get you something.

I open it up and it is a can of those toffee chocolate coffee stirrers. I thought it was some sort of family joke. I hold up the can and tell her mother I don't get it, is this a joke? Deadly silence filled the room. I set it down in the bag and didn't say a word the rest of the evening.

Dessert time. The entire family watched Mom knock out an entire bowl of Cool Whip straight from the bowl. I could only laugh at this point.

When we finally left my ex cried for an hour so embarrassed. She had hoped it would be different this time but nope. It never changed.



Some of the gifts myself and the other son in law got later:

Tape, assorted hangars, can of peanuts, checkerboard minus the checkers, nails, zip ties, batteries, coupons, salt & pepper, eye glass repair kit for someone who doesn't wear glasses, gum, a San Diego Chargers towel, (we all live in Texas), key chains, postcards.


Prkchop on TBH has met them. Maybe he will read this. I took their crew up to our family ranch a few times during deer season over the years. We still talk about it today. When I say talk I mean crying our eyes out laughing.

If I wrote a book about them no one would believe it was true.

[bloodstick]

I want to publicly apologize for my comment earlier on this post. It is out of my character to say such things, especially if I don't know the full details.

[Tony Pic]

Some amazing stuff here.

[breederbuck33]

I crop dusted the in-laws at the Christmas dinner table to see who they would blame it on...

[SoTXAg06]

I wonder how many here would have liked to be able to do that to their MIL......



Ive heard some real horror stories. Luckily my in laws are wonderful.

I'm with you, mine are awesome. I have friends who deal with some headaches.

[BBRU]

I crop dusted the in-laws at the Christmas dinner table to see who they would blame it on...

Now that's awesome.

[Richard]

Thoughtful question gets thoughtful response. Had he put her in the hospital, he would be in jail. Would I feel the same, absolutely not. Doesn't mean I would give in to the anger and vengeful recompense.

Fortunately, I was there, and I was able to pull his attention off of her, avoiding your thought experiment.

Once she was out if harms way, I put the gun away, and invited him to pursue matters further. He declined. It was a taunt to get him off of her.

I'm not judging because I wasnt there. Pulling a gun on him got his attention pretty quick so people saying you did nothing are wrong. I however would have been on him like stink on ....

[BBRU]

I however would have been on him like stink on ....

Exactly!!! I'll deal with the consequences later!

[CEO]

Come on JHT.....you dropped that steamer

[Harry_Reed]

Harry_Reed is my new favorite poster.

I lurks for long whil not say I did want to speaks up but I guess it just no like me to say lots of word d ready for 2016. Thanks.

[Russ81]

I lurks for long whil not say I did want to speaks up but I guess it just no like me to say lots of word d ready for 2016. Thanks.

It's all good Harry, Happy new year hand

JHT just moved to the top of the pack me thinks...

[junkmanhunter]

It's all good Harry, Happy new year hand

JHT just moved to the top of the pack me thinks...

JHT, needs to get back with her for a christmas dinner and record that show..

[JHT]

Come on JHT.....you dropped that steamer

May as well have.

[JHT]

JHT, needs to get back with her for a christmas dinner and record that show..

My ex and I are pretty civil with each other.

Thanksgiving break this year she asked me if she could come get the girls early on Thanksgiving Day and bring them back after the "party" at her folks house. I asked what time. She said 9:00 am.

I didn't think too much about it. When she picked them up that morning I asked why so early? They were headed to family Thanksgiving breakfast. I asked like an early lunch? Nope. Just breakfast. A new tradition.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to go.

When she dropped our girls back off at my house that afternoon they went straight to the fridge grabbing food. I asked ex how it went and she wouldn't tell me since I she knew I was going to laugh my rear off.