Funniest joke you've heard recently

[GarGuy]

Very long joke, but a great one!!— a guy walked into a lumber yard and said I need a job, and I’m an expert on lumber. So the boss man said ok if you can pass some tests, the job is yours. So the boss blind folded him and handed a piece of lumber off the shelf, and said, what is this? The guy smells it, strokes it with his hand , and as he’s still blindfolded, says, that’s easy, it’s cedar. He takes off the blindfold and the boss man says that’s correct. The boss man then blindfolds him again, hands him another piece of wood, same thing, the guy is still blindfolded , he smells it, strokes it, and says , another easy one , that’s pine. He removes the blind fold, and that’s exactly what it was. Do I get the job now? Boss man says, one more test, if you pass it, the job is yours. He puts the blind fold back on him and leads him into the secretary’s office. She takes all her clothes off, gets up on her desk, and spreads her legs. The boss man leads the guy over to her, who is still blindfolded, pushes his face between her legs, and says, now, what’s this? The blindfolded guy smells it, strokes it, smells it twice more and strokes it again, then says, well you thought you had me fooled didn’t you? That’s the bathroom door off a shrimp boat….

I thought he was gonna say "willow"

[TXDraht]

Old farmer was sitting on his porch when a young man stopped in front of his house. Out stepped a young man with a long ponytail.

Farmer “Are you lost?”

Young man “No sir, I noticed some milkweed in your pasture and I was wondering if you would mind if I went down there and collected some milk?”

Farmer “You can’t drink that and besides that it will take forever to collect”

Young man “That may be but I’d still like to try if you don’t mind”

Farmer “Well, I guess it’d be alright, just mind the livestock”

A hour or so later the young man returns to the house with a gallon of milk and offers a mason jar full to the farmer. The farmer declines thinking the young man is crazy and the young man thanks him again and leaves.

A week passes and the farmer is sitting on his porch when the same young man stops in front of his house.

Young man “remember me?”

Farmer “I sure do, how was that milk?”

Young man “great! While I was collecting the milk I noticed some honeysuckle growing on your fence row and I was wondering if I could go down there and collect some honey?”

Farmer “ Son, I don’t think you understand where honey comes from. You need to find a bee hive.”

Young man “Yes sir, that may be but if you don’t mind I’d still like to try”

So the farmer agrees and heads into the house shaking his head. The young man heads to the fence row and an hour later the farmer hears his car start and drive away. When he goes out on the porch he finds a mason jar full of honey.

A couple weeks pass this time and once again the farmer is sitting on his porch when the same young man stops in front of his house.

Young man “Hello sir, how was the honey?”

Farmer “Great, thanks for leaving me a jar”

Young man “My pleasure sir and I was wondering, I saw some ***** willow when I was collecting the honey and….”

Before he could finish his sentence, the farmer jumped out of his chair and exclaimed “wait right there and I’ll get my boots on and go with you!”

[SaltwaterSlick]

The teacher asked the class to draw a picture of poverty.
Little Sally drew a square and put four circles in it one in each corner. The teacher asked Sally what that was. Sally replied it’s a stove and there is no food on it to cook. The teacher said Sally that is bad but they could sell the stove and buy food with the money.
Young Mikey drew a rectangle and drew parallel lines dividing it into four equal sections. The teacher asked Mikey what that was. He replied that it was a refrigerator and there is no food in it. The teacher said that was bad but they could sell the refrigerator and buy food with the money.
Now little Johnny was smarter than the average student. He drew a circle with random lines all throughout the inside. The teacher asked Johnny what in the world is that? Johnny replied it’s a but hole with spiderwebs in it!

[MadHatter]

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, "That's nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight." The SEAL is unimpressed, he says "That's nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands." Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Delta Force member, and he's dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his d**k.

[glen]

If you want laugh. I don’t care what your political views are. Look up “How to Speak Bidenese”. It will have you rolling

[DawgOnIt]

You know why blonds laugh at jokes three times?
1. Once will you tell it.
2. Second time when you explain it.
3. Third time when they finally get it.

[RobinBradbery]

Jimbo saw Cletus walking down the back road carrying his fishing pole and a small tackle box.

Excited he runs and grabs up his gear and joins Cletus.

J "Hey, mind iffin I tag along?"

C "Naw, it's good"

J "Headin to the creek?"

C "Yup, I hears tha catfish is bitin."

J "Got worms?"

C "Yup. But I'm goin anyway."

[stingerslinger]

German word for constipation ___ farfrompoopin.

[PYBUCK]

Little Johnny was having an oral history exam. The teacher said if you get the answer correct, you get to leave class early. The teacher asked "Who said I cannot tell a lie"? Johnny's hand shot but the teacher called on little Juan. Jaun said George Washington. The teacher said that is correct, you may leave class early.
The teachers next question was "who was the 16th President"? Again, Johnnys hand shot up, but the teacher called on little Julio. Julio said Abraham Lincoln. The teacher said that is correct, you may leave class early. The teachers next question was "Who was the 2nd president"? Again, Johnny's hand shot up, but the teacher called on little Susanna. Susanna said John Adams. The teacher said that is correct, you may leave class early. Little Johnny said, Where did all the **** Mexicans come from? The teacher said Who said that? Johnny replied, Davy Crockett at the Alame, see you later.

[mmlreiner]

The teacher asked the class to draw a picture of poverty.
Little Sally drew a square and put four circles in it one in each corner. The teacher asked Sally what that was. Sally replied it’s a stove and there is no food on it to cook. The teacher said Sally that is bad but they could sell the stove and buy food with the money.
Young Mikey drew a rectangle and drew parallel lines dividing it into four equal sections. The teacher asked Mikey what that was. He replied that it was a refrigerator and there is no food in it. The teacher said that was bad but they could sell the refrigerator and buy food with the money.
Now little Johnny was smarter than the average student. He drew a circle with random lines all throughout the inside. The teacher asked Johnny what in the world is that? Johnny replied it’s a but hole with spiderwebs in it!

Lmao. Wow. That’s funny!


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[tfrye]

One of the best ones is one that I’ve heard everyday for almost one and half years now. The vaccine stops the spread lol.


Sorry, too easy!

[GarGuy]

You hear about the constipated mathematician?

He's ok....he worked it out with a pencil.

[erikm1981]

What’s the hardest thing about rollerblading?







Telling your parents you are ghey!


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[freerhunter16]

Trying to think of a joke to add to this thread makes me realize how many of mine are inappropriate… Lol

[Mertzon Man]

Chinese constipation, Hung Chow!