Funniest joke you've heard recently

[Lynn21]

little Johnny caught his dad in the restroom putting on a condom . so Johnny said what are you doing dad ? His dad replied I’m just trying to catch this little mouse . then Little Johnny said really, what are you going to do when you catch him, f him?

[jer_james]

How can you be shocked that a tennis player named NOVAK (NO-VAC) isnt vaccinated?

That's no DJOK!

[dhall1414]

I once heard a democrat say he loved the USA. Laughed my @$$ off

[muzzlebrake]

TF actually served in the military

[hopedale]

The old man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer.

The bartender serves his beer then asks him,

“So, what do you do?”

The old man answers, “Well sir I’m a cowboy.”

“Wow”, said the bartender,

“What exactly does a cowboy do?”

“Well sir I work on a ranch all day, I ride horses, and heard cattle, I take care of the land and all the animals on the ranch.”

“That’s very interesting said the bartender.”

Some time went by and a beautiful woman walks into the bar, sits down next to the cowboy and orders a drink.

“So”, said the bartender “What do you do?”

With the old man listening in the woman says,

“Well sir I’m a lesbian”

“Interesting” said the bartender

“What exactly is a lesbian?

“Well, I wake up in the morning thinking about women. I eat breakfast thinking about women. I go through my day thinking about women. I go to bed thinking about women. I’m constantly thinking about women.”

“Interesting” says the bartender.

Some time passes and the old man leaves that bar and goes to another bar.

He sits down and orders a beer, and the bartender there says to him,

“So, sir what do you do?”

The old man looks at him and says,

“Well, this morning I was a cowboy, but to tell you the truth now I think I’m a lesbian!”

[SwampBuck]

Coworker: man, I had the weirdest dream last night.
Me: oh yeah? What about ?
CW: I dreamt I was a muffler…
Me: ummm ok?
CW: yeah, I woke up totally exhausted…

That was the Dad joke of the year for me.

[Hoggslayer]

3 little boys are on the school playground bragging about their Dads.

The first boy said, "my Dad is so strong he can tear a phone book in half".

The second boy says" my Dad is so fast, he can throw a football and run and catch it 50 yards down field".

The third boy, Little Johnny said, my Dad is so tuff, he can eat light bulbs".

The teacher overhear this debate and questioned Johnny's statement.
" Little Johnny, You've seen your Daddy eat a light bulb"?

"No ma'am, the other night while they were in bed, I was hiding in the closet. I heard him tell my mama, "if you turn that light out, I'll eat it"

[MacDaddy67]

Biden got 81M votes

Hilarious

[Goldeneagle]

The other night I had a nightmare. I dreamt Dolly Parton was my mother.












And I was a bottle baby.

[Rubi513]

Two deaf people have just gotten married. They really love each other, but sex at night has been a bit of a struggle, as they are unable to communicate through signing, and it is too dark to read each other's lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.

The husband loves this idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, she should reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, she should pull on his penis 100 times.

[CEO]

My gender studies teacher asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently 1080p wasn't the right answer.

[sweldo73]

Guy goes in for a prostate exam and asks the doc, “Where should I put my pants?”

Doc says, “Right over there by mine.”

[jdg13]

A farmer gets a new rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens. He is impressed. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow. This begins to anger the farmer. Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body and says: "You got what you deserved" Suddenly, the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures, and says, “Shhhh!, they're about to land.

[Geezy Rider]

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards…that’s right, the steaks were pretty high.

[krtnorris]

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.