A buddy of mine was driving from Houston to Austin up 290 and got stuck in construction traffic. He had been prairie dogging for about an hour. He couldn't take it anymore. He pulled over to the shoulder and the nearest trees were about a hundred yards past a barbed wire fence. He started walking but eventually broke into a sweaty Trot. Cars were honking and flashing lights. Just as he was about to reach the trees he tripped and went flying. When he hit the ground you can guess what happened. Volcanic eruption. He was wearing white shorts. He conducted a walk of shame back to the car and grabbed a beach towel out of the trunk. Sat on the towel all the way back to Austin.
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I know a guy that ran up to a truck that had just been hit by a train. The man driving the truck was okay but apparently he had a dog with him that got a case of the fear craps when the train hit. There was turds all over the seats,the dash,steering wheel and both the dog and the guy. He said that was the nastiest mess he's ever seen. That poor dog blew mud everywhere.Comment
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heard that, Ive hit more than one construction port o jon while stuck in trafficOriginally posted by Dakota7493 View PostComment
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Originally posted by Pullersboy View PostNot me, but this is very possible. It does happen. I've seen it happen at work. It's a beautiful thing when you're all geared up, run up to the front door, yell "Police! Search Warrant" and then knock the door off the hinges, only to find the big, bad dope dealer lying in the floor having just soiled himself from the scare you gave him. It kind of ruins their street cred a little bit...
[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
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Not here , my first reaction when frightened is to attack. I guess my adrenaline kicks in cause if I had to the urge it would probably go away. But I do know a few people who will make you want to vomit when they fog the room.Comment
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Fellow Officer and I were driving thru town one hot summer day when a car sped by us on the left and then turned right almost hitting us and another car. We turned with it and female driver was going 50 in a 25. We bluelighted her and stopped her. As Richard got out and approached I noticed she was frantically moving around. I told Richard to watch out...she put something under the seat.
We got her out of the car and Richard pulled a 12"x12" block of MJ wrapped in cellophane out from under the seat!!!!
We cuffed her and called for a local female Officer to assist.
I asked the 25 year old female just why she was driving so crazy. She replied she had to crap really, REALLY BAD!!!! I almost felt sorry for her as her day was going to get much worse ...soon. Female cop got there about time things went south and we took off. I'm pretty sure we got badly cussed by both of them....
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For me, the shock usually comes after the shart.Comment
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My late great uncle told me a story. He was dressed in his Sunday go to meeting overalls with his nice straw hat. He went down to the chicken coup to gather eggs. He said...
"I reached in to get the eggs and I thought I felt something a peckin' on my straw hat. When I looked down there was a copperhead striking the crease on my overall pant leg. You know what I done then?... I $#!* my britches!"
Rest in peace Uncle Hope. Sure miss your way of life and your words of wisdom.Comment
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I'm 71 years old. I don't have to shocked or surprised.
All I have to do is never EVER trust a fart.Comment
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Not actually letting go of the whole ball of wax but I've gotten spooked and release the gas cap for sure!!!! Kinda sketchy yelling at the same time you fart, easy steps for a little while!!!Last edited by ram04; 11-17-2017, 11:26 AM.Comment
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Originally posted by Chew View Post
This one, the story attached and @ABCDJ's have had me almost in tears laughing. Just trying to imagine all three had me literally laughing out loud here at work.
These are H.O.F. worthy, pure greatness!Attached FilesComment
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[ATTACH]883564[/ATTACH]Comment
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Originally posted by Acameron52 View Post
That’s the best thing I’ve seen this week haha
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I've crapped my pants for less... Here goes
Around March of this year I was on the night shift and was starting to feel a little under the weather. My morning routine is to get home and help the wife and kids get ready and out of the house for school. So, I get home shed off most of my work clothes and am walking around in some blue jeans, undershirt, and socks; that's it. I was feeling bad so I took a big swig of Nyquil and finished helping the girls get ready for school. I haul the girls out of the house with my wife trailing behind and we got them loaded into the car. They back out of the driveway and I wave bye and head back to the door; LOCKED. (My wife had twisted the lock as she walked out) I don't have my keys or cell phone so I run back around the house to try to catch them and she's already pulled away. No neighbors were home, we'd just used our spare key and it wasn't in it's hiding spot. I was truly screwed.
At the time, my wife was having to drive 15 minutes to drop off my youngest at daycare and then come all the way back to town for school (She works there and my oldest attends)
So now I'm left with a decision. Do I break a window? Do I walk 3 blocks, in socks and an undershirt to the school and wait for her while all of the parents and teachers are standing around for drop off? I knew I'd be completely embarrassed to go sit up there like a hobo and wait. So I ended up deciding that I'd walk two blocks over to the road where she'd have to drive down in order to get back, in hopes of flagging her down. So there I go, walking down the damp road; my socks getting soaked. We have a historical marker on this road with a piece of machinery that sits next to it. I thought, I'll just tuck myself back in here (to kind of hide from passersby) until I see her car coming and then I'll flag her down.
I waited, for what seemed like a lifetime. Little did I know, she decided stop and get gas, get the kids a drink and donuts, etc... So there I am waiting and starting to get drowsy and "loopy" from the Nyquil I'd chugged down about 15-20 minutes earlier. I started to feel gassy and let one rip; it wasn't gas. I INSTANTLY felt the hot excrement run down my leg. It wasn't a whole lot, but it was enough. There was literally nothing I could do. Do I walk back home and fall asleep on the swing with **** in my pants?
Being somewhat in shock and completely embarrassed, I soon realized/remembered that the location I chose to wait, was the same location where the Sherriff Deputy sits to monitor school traffic in the morning. I started to panic... What am I going to tell this deputy when he pulls up? I'm in socks, jeans, and an undershirt, looking high because of the Nyquil, have **** in my pants, and I have no wallet or ID on me. How am I going to convince this Sherriff Deputy that I'm not a complete psycho? God was with me that morning because the Sherriff Deputy chose another location to sit...
Luckily, after what seemed like forever, my wife's car appeared in the distance. I got ready to jump out into the road like a creeper in a bad horror film. As she approached, I moved to the side of the road and started waving my arms. She got pretty close without slowing down, and at this point I could see her face through the windshield and it was like, "Who in the **** is this weirdo out her in the street?" When she finally got close enough to make eye contact, she slammed on the breaks, backed up and said "What in the h*** are you doing?" By this time I was worn out, embarrassed, and had **** in my pants, so I just hopped in the car, sat sideways on my hip and said "Just take me home, I got locked out of the house. I'll tell you the rest later." lolComment
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