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Old 10-05-2018, 09:29 AM   #1
30-30
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Default New baby and family issues?

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? My wife and I were blessed with our first, a boy, the last week of June. I thought if anything his birth might bring our parents closer together but it seems to have done the opposite. We live in Houston, very close to my inlaws and we spend a lot of time with them. My MIL is our boyís daily caretaker as we both work full time. My inlaws are introverted people who like to keep to themselves and donít like to travel, especially for holidays. My folks are in Dallas and are extroverts who will talk your ear off, and feel alienated by people who donít respond well to that. They donít get along well. Further muddying the water, my folks divorced in 2014. Dad remarried, and mom hasnít. We have been inviting my parents down to Houston (separately) for holidays the last few years, but they donít particularly care for spending time with my inlaws and want us to spend more time in Dallas. They say they donít feel welcomed when they come to Houston. Going to Dallas was difficult before with our work schedules and even more so now that we have an infant. I donít particularly like making trips to Dallas just to spend one night and would rather keep my sonís routine intact whenever possible. My wife says we should stop trying to please everyone and do what makes us happy. But I know that means spending more time here with her parents and further alienating mine. I wish my inlaws were more friendly with my parents when they visit, and that mine would stop making us feel guilty for living in Houston....

Itís trouble in paradise I suppose. We are very blessed that our son is loved by so many people.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:37 AM   #2
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I don't see what one has to do with the other. Why do your in-laws have to be involved when your parents visit? You see your in-laws all the time. When your family comes just focus on spending time with them. It sounds like your in-laws would be fine not mingling based on their personalities.


As for traveling to see your family, you should be off the hook now that you have grandparent bait.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:48 AM   #3
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Cant please em all. Both my parents and in-laws live here in town, and it's a pain trying to get to everyone's house during the holidays. Who's house we're gonna eat at for which holiday, who's house do we go to first, etc. Our kids are in high school and middle school, and it's still an issue. We're worn out by the time we get home, and just want to relax! Good luck with it, but there's no real good answer, maybe alternate who's house yall visit each holiday.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:49 AM   #4
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Leave and cleave. Family causes more problems than they fix.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:51 AM   #5
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Tough **** for them.....They can all get along, learn to split times or miss out. Stop trying to please them all and keep your wife and kid happy. You can travel more when the baby gets older and your job hours aren't as taxing with a newborn. Until then they can suck it up and deal with it and adapt....or miss out.

Last edited by Smart; 10-05-2018 at 09:54 AM.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:52 AM   #6
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My wife and I had a similar situation

A little background is my wife and I are around the same age however our parents are not. Her parents are 12 years older than mine and both are retired, while mine work full time still. Like your family and in-laws my are polar opposites. My parents like to be social, drink, have a good time, etc... while her parents are very religious, not as social, and like to keep to themselves.

We live closer to her parents than mine (1.25 hours v. 2.5 hours) and with her parents being retired they were able to come visit us and their grandchildren more often. I mean it was no problem for them to show up during the week or weekends to spend time with our family.

Naturally it made my parents feel uncomfortable as they were not able to spend as much time with us as my in-laws. When they were able too spend time my in-laws were there sometimes. What it came down to was they felt more comfortable (and wanted) to spend more time with us and their grandchildren, and not the in-laws. They have nothing against them however since they (in-laws) were able to visit with us all the time it made it hard to have a weekend with just my parents only.

We still allow both to visit but we also make sure to tell each of them there are certain weekends where it's just going to be my parents, or my in-laws weekend only. They both respect that and enjoy the time the "alone" time with their grandchildren.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:54 AM   #7
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You would think the family "elders" would grow up and act like adults. Sounds like your side is being a PITA.

Honestly I wouldn't focus too much attention on it just tell them to let you know when they want to come visit and leave the ball in their court. Traveling with an infant is really not that pleasant of an experience so I would hope they could make the trip to visit you.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:58 AM   #8
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It'll get easier to travel as the kiddo gets a little older. For now, do what's best for the kid and let the adults pout.
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:01 AM   #9
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Leave and cleave. Family causes more problems than they fix.
Not if you have the right family. Man I am blessed with parents to all kids and grandkids, and no family drama.

Even with land/estate being split up on both sides with 3 and 5 kids. No issues

Thank the Lord, as I could not handle some people's drama and worlds
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:05 AM   #10
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Make sure your parents know you are their's first. They may have some resentment that your in laws are so close and spend so much time with your family. I had a very similar situation but then my mother in law passed away. Now my parents are so focused on my brother and his family/kids that me and my family/kids seem to have been left out to dry. We now just do your own thing, pay our own way and come visit when we can. It's kind of sad.
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:16 AM   #11
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A son is a son, until he takes a wife.. a daughter, is a daughter for life....

it's not unreasonable to think that your parents don't enjoy hanging with your inlaws, or visa versa. They aren't friends, and don't have any ties that bind besides ya'll two. So maybe thats an unrealistic expectation to think they'll be buddies just to grace ya'll with their presence. Just a thought.



My wife and I are in a similar situation, we've went to dividing holidays. It's made the most sense, and it has kept us from running crazy everywhere trying to please everyone.

Thanksgiving- My dad
Christmas (we take a week)- it's split between my mom, and my inlaws.. Christmas with my dad is usually picked up in early December, or Jan. whenever we can fit it in.

Then we rotate every year, it gives quality, AND quantity of time divided equally, and as long as we don't bend, it works out pretty well.
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:17 AM   #12
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tough **** for them.....they can all get along, learn to split times or miss out. Stop trying to please them all and keep your wife and kid happy. You can travel more when the baby gets older and your job hours aren't as taxing with a newborn. Until then they can suck it up and deal with it and adapt....or miss out.

this!
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:20 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by 30-30 View Post
Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? My wife and I were blessed with our first, a boy, the last week of June. I thought if anything his birth might bring our parents closer together but it seems to have done the opposite. We live in Houston, very close to my inlaws and we spend a lot of time with them. My MIL is our boyís daily caretaker as we both work full time. My inlaws are introverted people who like to keep to themselves and donít like to travel, especially for holidays. My folks are in Dallas and are extroverts who will talk your ear off, and feel alienated by people who donít respond well to that. They donít get along well. Further muddying the water, my folks divorced in 2014. Dad remarried, and mom hasnít. We have been inviting my parents down to Houston (separately) for holidays the last few years, but they donít particularly care for spending time with my inlaws and want us to spend more time in Dallas. They say they donít feel welcomed when they come to Houston. Going to Dallas was difficult before with our work schedules and even more so now that we have an infant. I donít particularly like making trips to Dallas just to spend one night and would rather keep my sonís routine intact whenever possible. My wife says we should stop trying to please everyone and do what makes us happy. But I know that means spending more time here with her parents and further alienating mine. I wish my inlaws were more friendly with my parents when they visit, and that mine would stop making us feel guilty for living in Houston....

Itís trouble in paradise I suppose. We are very blessed that our son is loved by so many people.
Been there and done that. As sad as it is, your wife is right.
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:21 AM   #14
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Wife is right.

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Old 10-05-2018, 10:23 AM   #15
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Similar situation for us.Live a mile from in laws, my family is not very close. Wife is high class, only child. I'm cajun/white trash. Families don't mingle well at all. Bothers the wife a bit. I just tune it out, their loss if they can't play nice for the good of their grandkids. I just told my parents deal with it, and if they can't we don't want to hear about it. Same to hers. Seems to have worked out over time.
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:24 AM   #16
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Your wife is right.
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:25 AM   #17
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Both sides of our family live in the San Antonio area and fortunately they get along but we still try to split time evenly. If we spent last trip with my side, we spend this trip with her side. We also alternate holidays...thanksgiving with my side and Christmas with hers, and then flip it for next year. We try to keep it fair.

We have a 3 month old and live in midland so I understand the traveling part. The way we see it - the traveling part can get old and difficult but our folks aren't getting any younger. We make the effort to come down every chance we get even if it means long windshield time for a short visit time. Some times we make that drive every weekend of the month.


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Old 10-05-2018, 10:27 AM   #18
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Don't sweat the baby's "schedule"

They will readjust soon enough.

Go to Dallas and visit them!
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:13 AM   #19
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My wife says we should stop trying to please everyone and do what makes us happy.
This right here, you will drive yourself crazy trying to please everyone, even family. At some point it becomes more about YOUR family, wife kid etc. The rest are now relatives.

Similar situations for us. For years before our daughter was born we made trips back and forth every other weekend to Tyler from Waco area, after she was born we have not been near as much and her dad moved local to us to be closer after her parents divorce. Her mother refuses to leave Tyler area since she has a BF now that lives there. Not our problem and her BF influences her coming here to see us and her grand daughter. She goes without seeing her for her own reasons for long periods of time, that's her loss. We don't loose sleep over it anymore. My folks are local but spend more time going on cruises and with the sister and BIL, who they support quite a bit.

Take care of your family, everyone else's opinions don't matter that much for your household.
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:19 AM   #20
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You're only responsible for your happiness.

Everyone else needs to be an adult and not put any pressure on your small family.

Congrats on the new edition.
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:20 AM   #21
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Can't please them all. If my wife had to be around my parents as much as I have to be around hers, she would have left me years ago lol. But my parents had a son, so they get it.
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:23 AM   #22
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People will be people. They get set in their ways. Even with all their sage advice the gparents sometimes act like ticked off little kids. Both sets treat us and baby awesome so can't complain too much. Try to accommodate you parents in Dallas. The greatest gift you can give grandparents is to live and have grand babies close to them.
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:52 AM   #23
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We have a similar situation. Her parents live in the same town and are going to be our neighbors in a couple months. Her parents watch my kids during the week and are just always around them.

My parents are 3 hours away and come a couple times a year to see the kids.

Our parents get along and interact well but I can tell it drives my mom nuts how attached the kids are to her parents but tough luck because we are settled here now.

We do go to my parents twice a year. Normally I’m the summer and around Christmas. I’m a coach so we have to work around my schedule more than my wife’s

Last edited by TMC50; 10-05-2018 at 11:53 AM. Reason: Forgot something
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:56 AM   #24
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Congrats on your baby.

Like the others have said listen to your wife.

Trying to make them all happy won't work and it will do nothing but create stress between you and your wife.

This isn't going away either. They will have to hang out at birthdays and graduations and other events for your son. When you have to get together let her deal with her parents and you deal with yours.

Drinking helps too.
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Old 10-05-2018, 12:04 PM   #25
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Congratulations on the birth of your child.
Here is some of what the Bible tells us about marriage.

Ephesians 5:25: “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her."

Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
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Old 10-05-2018, 12:07 PM   #26
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When your parents come to town, spend all your time with them without your inlaws. Your inlaws see you guys all the time. And don't worry so much about your baby's schedule. Go to Dallas every now and then to visit. It won't hurt the baby.

Here's what has worked very well for us, regarding holidays and inlaws....

We spend Thanksgiving with wife's family. We spend Christmas with mine.

Next year, we switch and spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with wife's family.

We let both sets of parents know that was how we were going to do it during the first year of our marriage. We had a small amount of complaining once or twice early on, but we just told them, "Sorry, but we have our plan." And we've stuck to it for the last 27 years. Works great.

This year, our daughter is living in Chandler, AZ and won't get enough time off at Christmas to come to Texas. We're going to go visit her. Whichever set of parents is on the schedule for Christmas is just going to have to do without, I guess. We'll visit them before or after Christmas though.
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Old 10-05-2018, 12:13 PM   #27
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Similar situation on a larger scale.

We had our first March of 17. We llive in Las Cruces, NM. In-laws live in Pipe Creek. My family is in South Carolina. Guess which grandparents get to see their grandkid more? We got to Texas several times a year because we can hop in the truck and be there in 8 hrs. My family gets ****** that we see the in-laws more than them. We attempt to make a trip home every year, but that's not enough for them. My mom doesn't particularly like my MIL.

We've taken the approach that Smart had. Told everyone that there would be no going to this family or that for Christmas...they could all come to our house if they want to see the grandkid, or they could miss out. Same for the rest of the year. We'll make our annual pilgrimage to SC, but other than that, we need them to come see us. We've also told my family that they're going to have to start traveling...It's a heck of a lot easier for them to get on a plane and fly this way(and cheaper) than it is for us to fly that way with a kid. Not to mention, we basically have a petting zoo at our house, so when we travel, we not only have the expense of traveling(about to be 3 tickets plus a rental car vs. their solo ticket and no rental car), but also of paying someone to house sit for us. My folks still haven't started traveling out here, and it's really gotten on my nerves, but it's their loss.
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Old 10-05-2018, 12:17 PM   #28
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Do y'all live with your in-laws? Why care if they get along
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Old 10-05-2018, 12:19 PM   #29
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Make your wife and boy priority number 1. All the rest will sort itself out.

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Old 10-05-2018, 12:25 PM   #30
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I have made the drive from DFW to OK City to spend 1 hour with my grand daughter....that's what grand parents do.

Also, when the kids are small, its easier to have everyone meet 1 time for a holiday like Christmas. Then the GParents can determine if they can stay another day before driving back to Dallas.

The wife is right, as usual.

Your statement to ALL G Parents; "Here is our plan. We will be doing this, on this day, hope ya'll can make it"

The grown folks will figure it out.
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Old 10-05-2018, 01:04 PM   #31
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you can control exactly one person in any given relationship....

it's you.

don't worry about what the rest of the planets do, just keep your world spinning.
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Old 10-05-2018, 01:59 PM   #32
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Mama to boss
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Old 10-05-2018, 02:48 PM   #33
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PREACH!

I'm in a very similar situation here. Our son is 2 years old and we've been playing musical-parents ever since he was born.

What we've decided is that we will rotate holidays equally, if they don't take us up on the offer or him-haw around, we'll go to the next set and make plans. For birthdays and holidays at home, we just say "we are doing this, and you are invited" if they don't show, that's on them, not us.

The way I look at it, we were put through enough of their nonsense during the divorce and on, I refused to continue to play it with my son.

It's tough to keep the emotions out of it, especially when dealing with parents, but our family comes first. If I play my cards right, he'll never know the difference.

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Old 10-05-2018, 03:18 PM   #34
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Mama to boss
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Old 10-05-2018, 04:43 PM   #35
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Your wife is right.

Dit---O
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Old 10-05-2018, 08:41 PM   #36
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Sounds like both sets of parents are a bit childish. If they wanted to see the grand babies that bad they would put their differences aside for a while.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:03 PM   #37
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Did it the dance the first year after our first was born after that told mine and her family never again birthdays and holidays your all welcome just let us know if your going to come visit. Haven’t had issues in 15 years together
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:47 PM   #38
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Happy wife
Happy life
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:06 PM   #39
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Wife's right. It's not your fault your parents are going to be missing out spending time with your family and newborn. It's their loss. Grandkids are great.
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:34 PM   #40
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I'm in a very similar situation.... from day 1 I told my parents (my father has passed now but..) and the rest of my family. "You know where I live, if you want to see them or us, were always home".
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Old 10-06-2018, 12:10 AM   #41
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Wrong....wife only says this because she sees her parents every dsy.
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Old 10-06-2018, 08:38 AM   #42
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Listen to your wife. She's a smart lady. Your wife and child come FIRST!!! The rest can get with the proram or b left out. It's that simple
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Old 10-06-2018, 09:06 AM   #43
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My wife and I figured out how to handle who to visit on Thanksgiving.......we go to the lease!
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Old 10-06-2018, 09:27 AM   #44
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You have a smart wife, your immediate family comes first. Trying to please everyone is like trying to teach a pig to sing, it annoys the pig and is a waste of your time.
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Old 10-06-2018, 09:47 AM   #45
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Spending more time with your in laws should not alienate your parents. The fact your in laws live in the same town as you obviously means that your family will spend more time with them. Sounds to me like there might be some kind of drama between the grandparents.
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Old 10-06-2018, 10:27 AM   #46
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I think you should do whatever is necessary to keep the Maternal Grandfather happy. You should bring the grand babies to see him whenever he wants and never let your children miss a holiday with PawPaw.



















Full disclosure: This was written in hopes that my daughter and son-in-law would come across it and follow the safe advice.
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Old 10-06-2018, 10:28 AM   #47
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Our situation is similar to yours. Weíve had the exact same battles of in-laws no wanting to be around each other. Theyíre both remarried and my wifeís father to his mistress that caused the divorce. We feel finally told them we were wore out, tired of the crap and us and the kids are paying for their bad decisions. Weíve finally got where EVERYONE comes to our home for thanksgiving and really has a great time together. In-laws around nice to each other, wifeís parents are nice, and everyone is focused on the kids and just being thankful and together. PRAISE GOD! We spend Christmas at one set of grandparents and then do Christmas again at the other grandparents New Years weekend. Itís been almost 20 years making this happen. Lots of prayers and asking God to help, please!


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