Premarital Counseling

[JeffJ]

Best advice I ever got: DONT KEEP SCORE!

An example: I cant come anywhere close to telling you how many girls nights, girls weekends, etc my wife has gone on this year. Probably more than I remember. Likewise, she cant tell you how many times I played golf, went hunting, etc this year. we frankly don't keep score and we both have veto power.

We have friends that are insane and are constantly keeping score. Drives me crazy to watch them navigate around one another all the time. I just smile and slap my wife on the butt.

[Buckslayertx]

Keep God First! It's as simple as that.

[EliteZ28Bow]

Counseling is great to make sure you guys are on the same page. For example, she wants 5 kids and you want none. Similar financial views. Pretty important stuff like that.

I have written a marriage advice pamphlet for men that I give out that has a bunch of marriage tips and tricks. Here's a little piece from it you may find useful:

Manage Down Her Expectations
This first tip is really an overarching strategic principle that should be incorporated into every aspect of a marriage. The key to any happy marriage is to meet and on some rare occasions even exceed your wife’s expectations. The key to meeting and/or exceeding your wife’s expectations is to lower them.

Women come into a marriage with all kinds of absurdly high expectations for what a husband should be, how he should act and what he should know/understand about them. Ever since they were little girls women have dreamed of marrying Prince Charming, and some of them cling to this dream doggedly and will measure you by and try to shape you into this warped vision. If you want a long and happy marriage, you need to slowly and steadily knock these overinflated expectations down to something more manageable.

Now, fortunately, the process of lowering your wife’s expectations happens naturally for most men over time – it definitely did for me. Just being yourself should drastically reduce her expectations. But, the process can be accelerated by some careful positioning early in the marriage. It is a delicate balance as the lowering process causes friction in the relationship. But, just like training for a triathlon (something I know about only theoretically), you are trading short term pain now for long-term gain later. You have to be careful so as not to bring the expectations down too fast, especially early on, and make them question why they married you. You don’t want big, hurtful events that they can remember and use against you. Those are counterproductive. What you are looking for is a series of actions that slowly chip away at her expectations the way a river carves its way through stone over time. Pace yourself. Slow and steady wins the race. A marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

One strange dynamic you will encounter is that a woman’s natural instinct is to always try to improve her man. This improvement instinct is frustrating to deal with. I think it is related somehow to the maternal instinct to care for and improve their young and she will often turn her energies away from you and onto your kids once they are born, giving you some breathing room. In any case, the sooner she realizes that she can’t improve you anymore and gives up that silly dream, the happier you both will be. So, what are some practical ways to lower her expectations and get her to throw in the improvement towel sooner you may ask? Here are a few that have worked for me:

- Let Yourself Go Physically – Gravity helps a lot, as does time, but you can do your part by overeating and not working out as much. Premature baldness also helps, but if you are not blessed with that advantage you should probably mix in some bad haircuts and/or facial hair (lamb chops, mustaches, etc.). You don’t want to be all muscled up when you are 10 years into your marriage or she will get too used to it, and that high level of physical fitness gets harder and harder to maintain. When you let yourself go early, she will be much more appreciative of you working out or eating right later.

As an example, look at Willie Robertson from Duck Dynasty. The guy is overweight, dresses like a Salvation Army Thrift Shop model, has a ridiculous beard and tattoos and has been married to the same stunningly beautiful and classy woman for more than 25 years. Willie started out handsome, but quickly learned the secret of marital happiness and let himself go. He had a great example in his father, Phil, to show him the way. Phil has been married for a half-century and I suspect that he doesn’t even shower anymore.
Contrast the Robertsons with Geraldo Rivera, the dapper, ruggedly handsome, well-spoken, world-famous reporter who is in great shape, but who has been married FIVE times. I give Geraldo some credit for growing out that ridiculous molester-stache, but if he wants to stay married he needs to do more - stop working out and maybe shave his head. The man’s hair is pretty enough to have its own talk show. It’s ridiculous.

- Remember to Forget Things – I stumbled on this gem quite by accident. You can start small with things like not telling her when you will be home from work, but I have found that forgetting a birthday or anniversary has the biggest impact. This sounds risky I know but it works. After you forget one of these, you will have set the expectation for the future and she will be that much happier every year you remember them. Also, forgetting once is the best way to remember.

- Buy Her Cheap and/or Cheesy Gifts– Self-explanatory, but you don’t want to buy her nice, expensive things. For example, probably the worst thing you can do is to buy your wife nice jewelry early in a marriage. You are just setting her up for disappointment later. My friend did this with his first wife. And his second. Neither marriage worked out. Get her something useful like a Chick-fil-A calendar with all those monthly coupons. She will remember you every time she gets her free Chick-fil-A sandwich or shake. Play this right and before you know it, you will not be buying gifts at all and will just celebrate by taking her out for a nice dinner or lunch. After years of gift expectation management, my wife was THRILLED when I got her a cheap, plastic pineapple slicer one year for our anniversary. She still loves that thing.

- Lobby – Any chance you get to tell her how you stack up favorably compared to other men, you should take it. For example, “I read a survey recently that said that 80% of men cheat on their wives. That’s crazy, but I can believe it based on the guys I know. I would never cheat on you, though honey.” Or something like, “Frank works 75 hours a week and never sees his family. I’m glad I don’t have a job like that so I can spend more time with you guys.” You have to constantly remind her that she is a lucky girl. And if that means throwing Frank under the bus, you do it! Your marriage is at stake.

Once the expectations are in check, everything in marriage gets much easier.

^^seems legit

[EliteZ28Bow]

Thank you all for the advise.

[jlp04c]

We had an absolute blast doing our pre marital counseling... It starts off kinda slow, weird and ackward, but it builds into something that is fun and worthwhile. I look back now and think, how cool was it that we took time 1x a week, or 2x (whatever) and focused on how we can be better for each other. That time we put in then has paid dividends in handling different life situations!

[MisterSanders]

Looks like you forgot to put your foot down, didn't you

[Bowhica]

Pray together, open your heart and cook dinner. Its not a 50%/50% relationship. Its 100%/100%.

[Notaguide]

My wife was raised strict Catholic and actually had to meet with the priest who had married my in laws. Only real questions he asked was if I had any homosexual tendencies. I told him I was a hardcore lesbian trapped in a male body. We polished a 18 pack of beer together and he married us the next week. 22yrs ago and its been a great ride. I'm sure the counseling has improved since then though.

[Dusty Britches]

My husband and I did it and we are glad for it. Our pastor told us some things we needed to be aware of as far as our relationship and things that we needed to accept about each other because as time went on, those would be the things that caused aggravation. These were very specific things for us, not general. We've been married over 21 years now.

My advice to you and your future bride - be honest with yourselves and each other in this premarital counseling. Take it seriously. Take care of your marriage just like you take care of each other.

[Da' Hitman]

Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Lmfao!!! This is my favorite! Hahahahahaha

[cattlelackranch]

In a nutshell, you are marrying one of Gods daughters. Treat her that way.

[Delirious]

when you put to imperfect people together, there will be problems in your marriage. so, seek perfection in your marriage (although seeking isn't achieving). And the only way to do that is to put God first. He is perfect and his words will guide your marriage. So having said that, seek christian pre marital counseling. Through a reputable church.

I spent 8 weeks with a sponsor couple going over the program. Questions are given and discussed about the big problems most marriages go through at one time or another. It will help you to set your expectations of the other person, how to handle conflict and what to do when you can't handle it on your own. Good luck. As the Apostle Paul says about marriage, Don't do it unless you can't avoid fornication. He He. I should of listened. Just kidding.

[JayB]

J-Bob

That is the ultimate in funny. Great write up!

[duckmanep]

Counseling is great to make sure you guys are on the same page. For example, she wants 5 kids and you want none. Similar financial views. Pretty important stuff like that.

I have written a marriage advice pamphlet for men that I give out that has a bunch of marriage tips and tricks. Here's a little piece from it you may find useful:

Manage Down Her Expectations
This first tip is really an overarching strategic principle that should be incorporated into every aspect of a marriage. The key to any happy marriage is to meet and on some rare occasions even exceed your wife’s expectations. The key to meeting and/or exceeding your wife’s expectations is to lower them.

Women come into a marriage with all kinds of absurdly high expectations for what a husband should be, how he should act and what he should know/understand about them. Ever since they were little girls women have dreamed of marrying Prince Charming, and some of them cling to this dream doggedly and will measure you by and try to shape you into this warped vision. If you want a long and happy marriage, you need to slowly and steadily knock these overinflated expectations down to something more manageable.

Now, fortunately, the process of lowering your wife’s expectations happens naturally for most men over time – it definitely did for me. Just being yourself should drastically reduce her expectations. But, the process can be accelerated by some careful positioning early in the marriage. It is a delicate balance as the lowering process causes friction in the relationship. But, just like training for a triathlon (something I know about only theoretically), you are trading short term pain now for long-term gain later. You have to be careful so as not to bring the expectations down too fast, especially early on, and make them question why they married you. You don’t want big, hurtful events that they can remember and use against you. Those are counterproductive. What you are looking for is a series of actions that slowly chip away at her expectations the way a river carves its way through stone over time. Pace yourself. Slow and steady wins the race. A marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

One strange dynamic you will encounter is that a woman’s natural instinct is to always try to improve her man. This improvement instinct is frustrating to deal with. I think it is related somehow to the maternal instinct to care for and improve their young and she will often turn her energies away from you and onto your kids once they are born, giving you some breathing room. In any case, the sooner she realizes that she can’t improve you anymore and gives up that silly dream, the happier you both will be. So, what are some practical ways to lower her expectations and get her to throw in the improvement towel sooner you may ask? Here are a few that have worked for me:

- Let Yourself Go Physically – Gravity helps a lot, as does time, but you can do your part by overeating and not working out as much. Premature baldness also helps, but if you are not blessed with that advantage you should probably mix in some bad haircuts and/or facial hair (lamb chops, mustaches, etc.). You don’t want to be all muscled up when you are 10 years into your marriage or she will get too used to it, and that high level of physical fitness gets harder and harder to maintain. When you let yourself go early, she will be much more appreciative of you working out or eating right later.

As an example, look at Willie Robertson from Duck Dynasty. The guy is overweight, dresses like a Salvation Army Thrift Shop model, has a ridiculous beard and tattoos and has been married to the same stunningly beautiful and classy woman for more than 25 years. Willie started out handsome, but quickly learned the secret of marital happiness and let himself go. He had a great example in his father, Phil, to show him the way. Phil has been married for a half-century and I suspect that he doesn’t even shower anymore.
Contrast the Robertsons with Geraldo Rivera, the dapper, ruggedly handsome, well-spoken, world-famous reporter who is in great shape, but who has been married FIVE times. I give Geraldo some credit for growing out that ridiculous molester-stache, but if he wants to stay married he needs to do more - stop working out and maybe shave his head. The man’s hair is pretty enough to have its own talk show. It’s ridiculous.

- Remember to Forget Things – I stumbled on this gem quite by accident. You can start small with things like not telling her when you will be home from work, but I have found that forgetting a birthday or anniversary has the biggest impact. This sounds risky I know but it works. After you forget one of these, you will have set the expectation for the future and she will be that much happier every year you remember them. Also, forgetting once is the best way to remember.

- Buy Her Cheap and/or Cheesy Gifts– Self-explanatory, but you don’t want to buy her nice, expensive things. For example, probably the worst thing you can do is to buy your wife nice jewelry early in a marriage. You are just setting her up for disappointment later. My friend did this with his first wife. And his second. Neither marriage worked out. Get her something useful like a Chick-fil-A calendar with all those monthly coupons. She will remember you every time she gets her free Chick-fil-A sandwich or shake. Play this right and before you know it, you will not be buying gifts at all and will just celebrate by taking her out for a nice dinner or lunch. After years of gift expectation management, my wife was THRILLED when I got her a cheap, plastic pineapple slicer one year for our anniversary. She still loves that thing.

- Lobby – Any chance you get to tell her how you stack up favorably compared to other men, you should take it. For example, “I read a survey recently that said that 80% of men cheat on their wives. That’s crazy, but I can believe it based on the guys I know. I would never cheat on you, though honey.” Or something like, “Frank works 75 hours a week and never sees his family. I’m glad I don’t have a job like that so I can spend more time with you guys.” You have to constantly remind her that she is a lucky girl. And if that means throwing Frank under the bus, you do it! Your marriage is at stake.

Once the expectations are in check, everything in marriage gets much easier.

Is the whole pamphlet available for viewing somewhere?

[tigerscowboy]

J-Bob may be wise before his time