Funny

[wow]

A young woman was bought into court for the charge of beating her husband to death with his guitar collection;
The judge looked up and asked First offender?
She answered no your honor first a Gibson then a fender.

[dustoffer]

Guy calls home from the office at noon and maid answers the phone. He says "Mary, may I speak to my wife please?"

Mary says, "I'm sorry sir, but she's upstairs in bed with your best friend."

Man says, "Mary, you know what to do -- get the gun, go upstairs, and shoot them both."

Mary puts down the phone, and in a minute or two, guy hears several shots.

Mary comes back and says "All done, they are both dead."

Guy says "Mary, what did you do with the gun?"

Mary says "I threw it in the pool."

Guy--"THE POOL! Is this 232- . . . ."

[PapaBear]

preacher man walks door to door introducing himself as the new preacher.

at the first door, an elderly woman opens the door, and says "my word, you sure do look like Conway twitty" and the preacher says thanks but I am the new preacher and she invites him in and they have a cup of tea.

he goes to the next house, and a similar thing happens and they have a cup of tea.

he goes to the third house and a very attractive 22 year old blonde opens the door and says "you sure look like Conway twitty!" and the preacher man responds...

"Hello Darlin'.."

[Grizz83]

A man went into a bar one night and was having some beers. 2 heavier ladies came up to the bar beside him and ordered some drinks. The man noticed they had some strong accents so he said "Hello, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said "It’s WALES you idiot!!!"

The man immediately replied "Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"

[Drycreek3189]

A man gets home from playing golf late in the afternoon, his wife says "Where in the hell have you been. Tell me the truth now !"

He says "We got through playing around noon but on the way home I stopped to help an attractive young lady change a flat. She offered me money, I refused, and she offered to buy me a beer. We went to her hotel, had a few beers, and she led me to her room. There, we made love in every way imaginable for hours and before I knew it, it was 5:30. You wanted the truth so there you have it !"

She looked at him and said, "You lying s. o. b., you played 36 holes didn't you !"

[d1rich1]

Sometimes i wake up grumpy. Sometimes I let her sleep.


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[Tony Pic]

A Duck , a Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says..."whats this some kind of joke?

[4-fletch]

A man gets home from playing golf late in the afternoon, his wife says "Where in the hell have you been. Tell me the truth now !"

He says "We got through playing around noon but on the way home I stopped to help an attractive young lady change a flat. She offered me money, I refused, and she offered to buy me a beer. We went to her hotel, had a few beers, and she led me to her room. There, we made love in every way imaginable for hours and before I knew it, it was 5:30. You wanted the truth so there you have it !"

She looked at him and said, "You lying s. o. b., you played 36 holes didn't you !"

Man that's a good one

[Chew]

Two math books walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey guys. I don't want any problems in here."

[HoustonHunter]

Heard this one from an old rancher this weekend out in West Texas:

Three buddies got to play golf on Christmas morning. They were sitting around getting ready for their round, when they all got curious how each man’s wife let them out for the morning to golf.

One asked one of the others, “how’d you get out of this?”. “Well, I had to buy that **** woman a Cadillac”.

The other was asked, “what about you?”. “You wouldn’t believe the size of that diamond I had to buy...”, he responded.

The third was asked, and with a grin, he responded: “I woke up, stretched, told her what a beautiful day it was and that we should lay in bed all day and screw.” “She told me to get the hell outta here!”

[Puddle Duck]

A grumpy German is a sauerkraut.