Lame jokes

[staplehawk]

Not sure if this qualifies but get a visual on this;

Mr. Potatoehead goes up to a urinal, pauses for a short time then hollers in disappointment "dang, I knew I forgot to put something on this morning!"

Now that's funny, don't care who u are!

You told me to visualize it.. All I could picture was him too short to get his goody bag up to the urinal.

[Speedgoat]

What did the Momma tomato say to the baby tomato when he couldn't keep up?

"Ketchup"

[staplehawk]

What do ya get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Bout halfway.


What do ya get when you put some blondes in the freezer?

Frosted Flakes.

[CaptainDave]

Why was Piglet looking in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.

There are 6 flies in the kitchen, how can you tell which one is the cowboy fly?
He's the one on the range.

There are 6 flies in the kitchen, how can you tell which on is the fooball fly?
He's the one in the sugar bowl.

[Pushbutton2]

What's black and white and read all over?


A newspaper.



What's black and white and read all over?





A skunk in a blender

A baby Zebra with diaper rash

[rubydog]

Who said that the health care in Canada was not up to par?


An Afghan Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says: "You need to put your bowel movements and urine in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. After the mixture sits for another 3 days, put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 2 weeks later and says: "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were Homesick."

[AntlerCollector]

Nurses are not suppose to laugh

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse.. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've
never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then, he said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, and then fell to the floor laughing..
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
...'It's swollen,' he replied..
She ran out of the room.

[Hoggslayer]

Wife complains at breakfast about you driving her car. At lunch she complains about your not taking it in to be service. At supper she complains about you still driving her car after getting it serviced. At breakfast the next morning she complains about you driving your gas gusling truck when her car gets such good gas mileage. At supper she complains about you still driving her car. At lunch she wants to know why you're walking...

This could be a true story.

[Speedgoat]

Who said that the health care in Canada was not up to par?


An Afghan Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says: "You need to put your bowel movements and urine in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. After the mixture sits for another 3 days, put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 2 weeks later and says: "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were Homesick."

LMFAO!!!!

[Patton]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in-tents

[Aversin]

New sales guy at a store that sells everything...

Manager "I know it's your first day, just do your best."
Sales guy "Thanks"

End of day

Manager "So what were your total sales?"
Sales guy " 174,352.78$"
Manager "Holy smokes. What did you sell?"

Sales guy "Well, I was talking to this guy and we got on to the subject of fishing. He didn't have gear, so we loaded him up. After a bit, we figured out he didn't have a boat, so I sold him a new Skeeter and trailer. Then we figured out he didn't have anything to pull it with. So I sold him a fully loaded dually."

Manager "Wow! All that and he just came in for fishing tackle?!?!?"

Sales guy "Nope. He came in for tampons and I told him is weekend is ___ so he might as well go fishing!"

[Blood Trail]

What's funnier than finding a dead Islamic terrorist in a trash can?

Answer: finding an Islamic terrorist in 10 trash cans.

Oohrah....

[Aversin]

Artist walks into a bar...

Artist "I don't have any money but I can paint a mural for you in exchange for drinks"
Bartender "I've always wanted a western mural behind the bar. You've got a deal."

Artist drinks and works all night... Next morning...

Bartender "So let's see what you painted"

Artist pulls cover off of the mural behind the bar.... It's a painting of a hillside with naked Indians cavorting everywhere and a cow with a glowing halo on top of the hill.

Bartender "What the heck is this!?!?!? I wanted cowboys and shootouts, not this crud!!!"

Artist "But it's called "Custards last thoughts..."

Bartender "I don't get it..."

Artist "Holy cow... look at all the *&*^% Indians!"

[westtexducks]

Why do scotsman wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

An Englishman a Frenchman and an Irishman walk into a bar and order a beer. A fly lands in all three of their beers. The Frenchman promptly orders another beer to replace the ruined one. The Englishman pulls the fly out and drinks his beer. The Irishman grabs the fly and starts screaming SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU *******!

[cshall999]

Who said that the health care in Canada was not up to par?


An Afghan Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says: "You need to put your bowel movements and urine in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. After the mixture sits for another 3 days, put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 2 weeks later and says: "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were Homesick."

Almost spit my lunch on my monitor.