In-laws divorcing - advice please

[Kdog]

Job number 1 is to be supportive of your wife in the situation. Not saying that means you do everything for your in-laws or even need to be involved, that all depends. Just try to be supportive of your wife. If you can help your mother in law or father in law, by all means help where you can. But try to discern the difference between helping and enabling. Not an easy thing to do. Your mother in law will likely need to make changes to her lifestyle etc.

You may want to talk to your father in law and see if this is really what he wants, now that he has moved out. He may be having second thoughts. It is never too late to repair a relationship, or at least try.

Other than that, best of luck to you. You won't be able to solve their problems. I think you know that.

[gingib]

I agree with Ragin

Be an observer and support your wife, but stay out of the rest of the drama.

x2

[Roland2014]

It could get ugly because i would think everything they have is community property and I would get your mother-in-law in touch with a good lawyer as number "4" on your list.

I work at a court house and sit in on all kinds of trials, but divorce cases are the worst!! So much tension in the air its frightening.

[MisterSanders]

Doesn't sound like it would be a bad idea for you and your wife to sit down with BOTH of them together. Sounds like they aren't fighting amongst each other, maybe they can be civil and work out the money aspect of the deal. As far as counseling, IF you are helping with the money, and I'm not saying it to be held over her head, but insist she goes to counseling, in a non confrontational way. Maybe offer your wife to go with her a couple times, it may be a little less intimidating. As was stated before, talk to the Dad. He may need it more than her.

[JW]

Doesn't sound like it would be a bad idea for you and your wife to sit down with BOTH of them together. Sounds like they aren't fighting amongst each other, maybe they can be civil and work out the money aspect of the deal. As far as counseling, IF you are helping with the money, and I'm not saying it to be held over her head, but insist she goes to counseling, in a non confrontational way. Maybe offer your wife to go with her a couple times, it may be a little less intimidating. As was stated before, talk to the Dad. He may need it more than her.

I think it's a HORRIBLE idea to put both of them in the same room together. Nothing good will come from that I can 98% GUARANTEE that. Well unless you're one of those people that like to but 2 wasps in a jar and then shake the hell out of the jar.


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[bwssr]

just remember folks they parents are divorcing each other...not the daughter.
This being said...they are still going to be mom and dad

[systemnt]

Well unless you're one of those people that like to but 2 wasps in a jar and then shake the hell out of the jar.


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<raises hand>

[Mayhem]

This. Only thing I would do is remove myself from the situation. They're grown folks. Sounds mean I know but, they are grown.


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This. As the SIL I would stay out of it. Let you wife get as involved as she would like, after all she is their daughter but I would stay the F out of it.

Offer your wife emotional support during the process, but don't have an opinion to the your MIL or FIL about it.


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[Shane]

Sounds like counseling would be a huge help for mom, but only if she is on board with it. Even if she goes, she will still want to talk to her daughter quite often, I'm sure. So your wife will still be in the trenches. It might help your wife if she had someone to talk to about her end of it. Maybe a minister or Christian counselor for her? Even with that, she's still gonna want to talk to you about stuff too. That kind of stuff is just hard. You can't insulate her or yourself from it. The best thing you can do is just find ways to deal with it as effectively as you can.

If you and your wife are going to help mom with finances, then it would be entirely appropriate (and beneficial) to sit down with her and take a look at the big picture of her income and budget and everything, and continuing that on an ongoing basis as financial decisions need to be made would be appropriate as well if you're committed to doing what you can to help with money. Obviously, approach it with an attitude of cooperation and helpfulness and not any kind of negative way. Family in need deserves our help, but you do have to consider your own financial situation as well (you and your wife).

Tied to that is the issue of dad being able to pay expenses rather than you and your wife. I'd recommend talking to your wife about how to talk to dad about it. Would it be best if she did that or if you did. I think it would be appropriate for one/both of you to have that discussion with him to let him know that mom needs help with money to pay bills, and it is his responsibility first. If he refuses, then you and your wife can step in and help her. But it's his responsibility first. If he's not going to step up on his own without someone calling him on it, then have that conversation and give him a chance to do it before you and your wife have to.

Prayers sent for y'all. That's a very tough deal all the way around.

[bigbad243]

This. Only thing I would do is remove myself from the situation. They're grown folks. Sounds mean I know but, they are grown.


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This is the first thing that came to my mind as well. This does not have anything to do with you or your wife, they are grown adults. In fact I feel like it is downright selfish for parents to bring their kids into situations like this. Becuase the mom is basically saying "choose"... Support sure, that is what family is for, but everything else needs to be on thier shoulders. Also, what is the full story? I highly doubt the dad is just a bad person as he is made out to be, but who knows.

[tps7742]

Ragin's straight and to the point, cut to the chase advice is batting a 1000 on this one! As a SIL IMO offering support to your spouse is very important, anything other wise is a no win situation.

[Kdog]

Ragin's straight and to the point, cut to the chase advice is batting a 1000 on this one! As a SIL IMO offering support to your spouse is very important, anything other wise is a no win situation.

The more I think about it, the more this rings true.

[GarGuy]

First thing... There are things that have been said and done that caused this divide. things you nor your wife should ever know. Be supportive but dont take MIL to raise. she has two jobs and cant make ends meet? She may need to live a little tighter. She needs independence, not DEPENDENCE on you and your wife. Long term, that will be a problem in your home.

Be supportive but also be prepared for some ugly stuff to come out. May God bless yall.

[Ouch]

I've lived almost exactly what you're going through. Sending you my number if you want to talk.

[cattlelackranch]

Sounds like you have a strong foundation and level head.
I'll just add a suggestion.

Be on the same page as your wife as far as how much financially you both are willing to help.

If that's number is 15k then you both agree when that number is reached the spout is shut off.

You need to have in your mind that it's a "donation" and will never be repaid. You have to know you'll probably see her buy something you don't agree with and you will have to bite your toungue.

Instead of handing her money maybe agree to pay directly some of her monthly bills for a time.

Good luck