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Old 04-07-2019, 01:28 PM   #1
NannySlayer
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Default A message from me to you...

3 years ago this week my big brother died by suicide.

Little bit of a history lesson.. In the early 1900s suicide was considered illegal in the states. So the act was described as committing a crime. The laws have since changed but the way we describe suicide, hasn't. "Committing suicide"
Tony didn't commit any crime. He died by suicide. He struggled with depression that only a couple of us knew about. Depression is an illness, just like diabetes or COPD. If it's not treated then it can lead to something worse.

I miss him. Gosh dang it, I miss him. As I grew up and settled down in Texas we actually grew closer even though we were farther a part. We texted all the time, had selfie wars weekly, he would never share any of his **** recipes with me.. Always told me I had to come to South Carolina to learn them. My peppers still haven't turned out like his... We were going to go tear up some MahiMahi this summer. He'd give you the shirt off his back if he knew you needed it. Most of the time it wouldn't fit him anymore anyways cause he was gettin so swole. He made sure we all had tickets to his gun show.

I'd give anything in this world to go back, get on a plane, and do whatever it took to treat him of his pain. I was one of the last persons he'd talked to before he took his own life. I wish I had known. I'd give anything...

The loss of him brings so much guilt, grief, and a rollercoaster emotions to myself. It completely changed my outlook on life & what it truly means to love and live. The struggles of my life that I have faced since that day have been constant punches to the gut. One thing after another, and another, and another. School, work, son, marriage, family, depression, divorce, finances, health, new job, sister passing away... you name it, it's been tenfold for me.

I've learned to try and enjoy the little things in life and people. If you aren't happy make a change. Everyone deserves to be happy. Watch the sunset every chance you get. Live boldly. Push yourself and don't quit. Recognize that some days you have to create your own sunshine. Go fishing. Go catching. Take other people fishing and catching. Take care of yourself and the ones you love. You had a purpose before anyone ever had an opinion. Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it another way.

Recognize that depression and suicide are very real. Don't walk on egg shells about it. Its worth someone's life to talk about.

I miss him so much.
And as Tony would say...
XOXO.

Take care of yourself & be mindful of everyone else. Much love to you green screen.

-Stephanie


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Old 04-07-2019, 01:30 PM   #2
NannySlayer
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Old 04-07-2019, 01:32 PM   #3
BrandonA
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Wise words Steph. Prayers to you on this day
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Old 04-07-2019, 01:34 PM   #4
asttbe
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I lost my dad in Dec of 2016 the same way. You are in my thoughts
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Old 04-07-2019, 01:36 PM   #5
MasterOfNothing
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Powerful message. Thank you for sharing
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Old 04-07-2019, 01:43 PM   #6
clay4626
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MasterOfNothing View Post
Powerful message. Thank you for sharing

X2 with your outlook on life you will have a good one Keep up what you are doing It don't take but one nice sunset from the deer blind to see
that God is there for us
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Old 04-07-2019, 01:53 PM   #7
McClain
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Well said! Thank you for reminding us how fragile life and relationships are. God bless.
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Old 04-07-2019, 02:10 PM   #8
JDALEX
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Well said Steph
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Old 04-07-2019, 02:18 PM   #9
Mexico
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Prayers for you today Stephanie!
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Old 04-07-2019, 02:32 PM   #10
gpena
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Many prayers girl


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Old 04-07-2019, 02:37 PM   #11
brokeno
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Prayers for comfort.
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Old 04-07-2019, 02:50 PM   #12
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Prayers for you
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Old 04-07-2019, 02:56 PM   #13
roberts
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Prayers for you and your family.
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Old 04-07-2019, 02:56 PM   #14
RobinHood
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Great post and Iím so sorry for your loss. Many donít understand how depression can and will bring about the changes in a persons life and how each deal with it differently.


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Old 04-07-2019, 03:10 PM   #15
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I lost my son to suicide in 2001, he was 22 . . He was a semester away from graduating from college, had a girlfriend, straight A student, great guy . . Depression . . It's a disease and can be treated, but it must be addressed early . . Few, if any, warnings . . As a survivor 2 things are important . . 1) never ask why and 2) never blame anyone, especially yourself . . Life will go on . . Prayers for your future . .
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Old 04-07-2019, 03:23 PM   #16
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Couple of facts about suicide . . Monday is the most common day and most are aged 14 to 24, desire to sleep excessively . .
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Old 04-07-2019, 03:24 PM   #17
SaltwaterSlick
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Love you Steph! Your heart is so big. There is so much wisdom in your words.
We lost our only son to suicide in ‘13. He was 27. Why and what if will destroy those left behind if they let it. You keep choosing sunshine and joy girl!
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Old 04-07-2019, 03:39 PM   #18
Muskles
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Keep looking up! Thoughts and prayers for you.

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Old 04-07-2019, 03:41 PM   #19
RascalArms
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Great post Steph. God bless all those effected by the aftermath of suicide. I can’t imagine.
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Old 04-07-2019, 04:08 PM   #20
Boss Buck
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Lost Dad to it in 87.
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Old 04-07-2019, 05:01 PM   #21
quackaholic1
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Steph your words touched me deeply. I’m sorry you have gone through this and I will pray that this letter has opened someone’s eye to a person around them that has depression. After I lost my wife of 36 years to cancer I became extremely depressed and shamefully I almost joined the group of people that just saw. I other way out. Thanks again Steph.
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Old 04-07-2019, 05:10 PM   #22
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Great message. Thank you for posting.
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Old 04-07-2019, 05:21 PM   #23
Treeshark
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Thanks for sharing on this very important issue! Blessings to you and your family!
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Old 04-07-2019, 05:21 PM   #24
NotJose
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Sorry to hear of your loss Steph. Iíve had this in my life unfortunately. My grandad and an uncle took their lives. I tuck those ugly thoughts away on a daily basis. And every day hope to feel worthy of another day.


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Old 04-07-2019, 06:03 PM   #25
TD2000
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Thoughts and prayer for you Stephanie

Stay strong and continue to enjoy those simple moments life allows
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Old 04-07-2019, 07:51 PM   #26
Crazy Horse
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prayers sent...
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Old 04-07-2019, 07:55 PM   #27
220swift
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Very timely for me. My 24 year old son has lost three close friends in the last 2 years to suicide. He just can’t understand how it can get that bad.
Prayers for you.
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Old 04-07-2019, 08:02 PM   #28
Tbuddyandroby
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I'm sorry for your loss...Prayers for you.
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Old 04-07-2019, 08:07 PM   #29
Snowflake Killa
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Thanks for posting, it really hits home for me as a family member is going through it now. I guess I should say it affects everyone that is close to that person. You are a tuff young lady. Keep your head up high. And keep catching.

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Old 04-07-2019, 08:12 PM   #30
Texas Grown
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Much love your way Steph! I've learned as I've aged, and seen many go before me in many different ways, "Life, is a very fragile thing." Like you said, "You had a purpose before anyone ever had an opinion." We all were put here for a reason. Took me a little while to figure out mine. If you ever need to talk, we're all here for ya.
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Old 04-07-2019, 08:18 PM   #31
NannySlayer
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Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support. Iím doing well and keep my chin up. Lots of reflection and healing over the years but I honor my brother by sharing my experience.
Itís been hard on my parents having 2 children pass away so send one up for them if you will. The struggle daily and rely on their faith to carry them thru but itís still a battle. But like Mom says ďI donít have a choice but to keep going.Ē


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Old 04-07-2019, 08:34 PM   #32
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Amen.
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Old 04-07-2019, 09:11 PM   #33
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You really have been through the grinder of life, but I was so glad you "rejoined" us TBHers and came to Bownanza last month! You have a lot going for yourself So keep on plugging and lean on us when you need us.!
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Old 04-07-2019, 10:15 PM   #34
louieagarcia
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Thanks for posting Steph. And prayers for you and your family for continued healing.
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Old 04-07-2019, 10:27 PM   #35
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My sympathies, Stephanie. You are a special person to speak out about it. You are so right in all that you say. God bless you and your family.
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Old 04-07-2019, 10:38 PM   #36
Matt_C
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Prayers for you kid.... ...
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Old 04-07-2019, 10:40 PM   #37
sierracharlie338
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Prayers for you and your parents Steph. Stay strong for them, they need you as much as you need them. Thanks for sharing


Sierracharlie outÖ
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Old 04-07-2019, 10:44 PM   #38
Acameron52
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Awesome write up! I lost an aunt and a cousin to suicide, just months apart. Though I was young when it happened I still remember how much it shook my family to our core, not once but twice. Itís pain that will never be healed.
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Old 04-07-2019, 10:45 PM   #39
sailor
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Prayers, for you and yours, Stephanie...………………
My sister,passed away from natural causes...….
But, I do know the hole...…………...
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Old 04-08-2019, 07:20 AM   #40
TMC50
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Stephie,

I am a day late and a dollar short but keep your chin up! Tony put you in the right place yesterday and that is a true sign regardless of everything else. Honor him by doing what you are doing and being a true hero!! You may not see it everyday but the ones who know you, do!!
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Old 04-08-2019, 07:34 AM   #41
Tmag
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Heartbreaking!

You keep going sister.
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Old 04-08-2019, 07:53 AM   #42
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Love ya, Sista!
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Old 04-08-2019, 07:56 AM   #43
scotty
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Lots of prayers for you Steph. God bless.
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Old 04-08-2019, 10:08 AM   #44
JonBoy
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I share your pain and am sorry for your loss. I lost one of my best friends on February 21st, 2016 to suicide. It changes you forever...their pain doesn't go away, it just gets transferred to those left behind. Knowing what I know now I'd give almost anything to go back to that day, sit down with him over a cup of coffee and talk through it all.
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Old 04-08-2019, 10:21 AM   #45
Tony Pic
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Wow...Your life has been one heck of a ride. Prayers for you and continue to be strong.
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Old 04-08-2019, 12:45 PM   #46
Leonhogboy
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Big hugs for you Stephanie, as I know the rollercoaster of emotions. I have had both a brother and a son take their own lives. Depression is real and can be deadly.

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Old 04-08-2019, 03:18 PM   #47
NannySlayer
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TMC50 View Post
Stephie,

I am a day late and a dollar short but keep your chin up! Tony put you in the right place yesterday and that is a true sign regardless of everything else. Honor him by doing what you are doing and being a true hero!! You may not see it everyday but the ones who know you, do!!


Thanks buddy. I appreciate that. Donít usually think about it but Godís got a plan and uses me to make a difference every once in a while.


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Old 04-11-2019, 10:39 AM   #48
NannySlayer
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Today is the actual anniversary of his passing. Been an emotional morning.


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Old 04-11-2019, 11:09 AM   #49
RascalArms
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Hang in there Steph. Praying the pain lessens in time.
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Old 04-11-2019, 01:00 PM   #50
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The little things in life are the best! Praying for you today!
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