Going for my Colonoscopy in am and....

[Banded Drake Calls]

Unless I got a TV in my bathroom there's no way I'm watching a movie after drinking the prep.

Luckily I can see the TV from the bathroom lol

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[Radar]

I seen the cable they was gonna use and it skeered me, then a feller jooged me with a needle and I dont remember.

I woke up in another room and farted so loud a baby started crying. My wife told the nurse she did not know me.

[Roscoe]

I have already made a pretty good sprint. So far no accidents. I have the new RP Outdoors catalog on hand, I probabally will end up ordering a bunch of traps I don’t have time to set before this is over!

You won’t fully trust a fart for at least 24hrs. Lol


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[Anvilheadtexas]

You won’t fully trust a fart for at least 24hrs. Lol


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Lol... trust a fart. I am scared to just relax!!!

[Hydestik]

You won’t fully trust a fart for at least 24hrs. Lol


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You should NEVER trust a fart ..., period

[jared_bays]

Colonoscopy Journal:



I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.



Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.



I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.



Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'



This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.

I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.



At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.



Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...



'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



I have no idea.

Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

You sir win the internet. I laughed so hard my stomach hurts now.

[Artos]

The procedure is pretty simple...the crap going through you now is the portion that sucks.

I'll be lucky to ever reach one every 5 years with my now history...I simply slow any and all eating way down 48 hours before the procedure to help minimize the purge ordeal.

IF your dr states they removed any sizeable polyp after the procedure then stay close the next couple of days. Just trust me on this...I'll tell the story some day but you do not want to be 100 miles out on the road.

[Strummer]

This is funny, just started mine this afternoon as well. Know you are not alone at the moment

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Ain’t you like 20 years early ?

[RedRocker]

I used to get them every three years and would have a polyp or two maybe. In 14 did chemo for CLL, the next one about a year later I had five pre cancerous polyps, so got another one the next year, 5 more pre cancerous polyps. I get to skip a year, next one is next February or March. I set up my computer in front of the pot after that stuff kicks in & just drink it there & let it run straight through!

[brokeno]

Make sure your wife snaps a few pictures for your Christmas cards to send to your tbh friends

[uncle jesse]

you won’t fully trust a fart for at least 24hrs. Lol

[ATTACH]926832[/ATTACH]

[brokeno]

Make sure your wife snaps some good pictures for your Christmas cards to send to your tbh friends.

[AlaskaFlyerFan]

I had one done about 3 years ago. They gave me some stuff called "Golightly". Some cruel SOB had to name it that because it was anything but. I was able to put some sugar free Crystal Light in mine and refrigerate it. I had to mix it strong so I didn't taste the real flavor of the Golightly. I had to chug 8 ounces every 10 minutes. It wasn't so bad at first. The first couple glasses went down OK. And then it hit. I would drink a glass and head to the bathroom. Come out and drink a glass and head right back in the bathroom. It was going through me so fast I swear that stuff was still cold coming out!

I went to the hospital the next day and was so clean I was whistling! I get wheeled into the room and, since it is a teaching hospital, there was an audience. So many people came in I thought they had bleachers the size of a Texas High School football stadium!! I watched the procedure on the monitor on the wall and was pretty much awake the whole time.

I agree with whoever said it above that the prep is the worst part. I ate a pizza after I was released.

[Banded Drake Calls]

Ain’t you like 20 years early ?

Ha, this wasn't exactly a choice I was wanting to make at this point in my life, but I guess you play the cards your dealt

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[DaveC]

If was sure up all night when I prepped for mine. It swore I'd start earlier on the next one so I might actually get some sleep the night before.
Heck I was still "going" when I was waiting to get nocked out.

And get ready for the wake up gas. I think they blow air up in there for comedic sake.


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