In-laws divorcing - advice please

[Humper]

Recommend a very good attorney and then step out of it. Support your wife as she will need it as her parents (her family desolves) divorce. The MIL needs good legal counsel and they can assist in addressing financial issues and temporary support. Your focus should be on your wife and her well being. MIL & FIL are adults...they got into this situation without you...they should both able to get out of it on their own.

[Atfulldraw]

you need to ask yourself one question.

Do you want a divorce?

Because that's how you get a divorce......



and by that I mean you are pretty much screwed, no matter what.

Keep your head down and your mouth shut.
Go back to work, do whatever you need to do to support your wife.
Don't get involved.
Don't argue with your wife about anything right now.

It's just money.

The only thing more expensive than a divorce is two divorces.

[myway]

you need to ask yourself one question.

Do you want a divorce?

Because that's how you get a divorce......



and by that I mean you are pretty much screwed, no matter what.

Keep your head down and your mouth shut.
Go back to work, do whatever you need to do to support your wife.
Don't get involved.

Don't argue with your wife about anything right now.


It's just money.

The only thing more expensive than a divorce is two divorces.

I was going to quote Humper but then I read the above. Take Humper and Rods advice.

[Dale Moser]

you need to ask yourself one question.

Do you want a divorce?

Because that's how you get a divorce......



and by that I mean you are pretty much screwed, no matter what.

Keep your head down and your mouth shut.
Go back to work, do whatever you need to do to support your wife.
Don't get involved.
Don't argue with your wife about anything right now.

It's just money.

The only thing more expensive than a divorce is two divorces.

I would read this....over and over and over and over and over for as long as it takes to sink in.

This is a problem, and it can never be anything else by your doing. Don't make it yours any more than it has to be.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rattler03]

Thanks for all the valuable advice, TBHer's. I knew I'd get some good stuff from you fellas. Its been a crazy 2 weeks and I just never got back to the forum after leaving town for the weekend. So, I apologize for not being active in the thread for a week and a half after posting it.

Quick update:
I went camping/fishing instead of the lease 2 weekends ago (immediately after posting this thread) and the wife was out of town for 5 full days Thursday - Monday. We were both able to separate from the consistent nature of this situation being present (my wife is not talking to her mom for an hour every evening).
Last Tuesday I called the owner of a small land surveying that was my boss for my first job as a summer helper on a field crew. I worked for him for 5 years, summers only. I asked who in the area he thought may be hiring (he's downsized and isn't going to hire anybody for more than $15/hour, so no opportunity there), but he suggested that I call a guy that worked there full-time when I was a seasonal employ because he had started his own business and was really busy and growing. I called the guy and he practically hired me over the phone during a second phone call, but I stopped him before he really got into the details of the offer and said that I needed a face-to-face interview before I move my family to Bryan/College Station from north Dallas/Richardson. I interview this Friday afternoon, and I'm pretty confident I'll get and accept the job. I'd start May 1st.
This move is not only about my wife's parents and wanting to be closer, we've wanted/talked about moving back to central Texas ever since I moved up to the metroplex in the summer of 2011. We want to raise our kids closer to our families and in a smaller town type community. So, there's a lot more behind the thought of potentially taking this job than just my wife wanting/needing to be closer to her mother for the next little while.

My mother in-law doesn't make a lot of money, she's a special Ed teachers assistant and works retail at Marshalls. I think part of the reason she took the second job was to have something else to do other than hang around a big, empty house with a husband that she didn't get along with anymore. She's one of the those people that's always busy, always doing something, too. They have compiled a good bit of credit card debt, and IMO aren't smart with their money. I'm not sure they even used a budget judging by a few bigger purchases (new truck, 2 harley motorcycles, new kitchen countertops, new stove, nice new washer and dryer, etc.) that we've observed within the last 2-3 years. We have a general idea of how much money they were each making, and those we're all bad purchases and none of them were a necessity. So, they have a lot of bills and credit card debt and MIL doesn't actually make that much.
The real problem regarding the money is that nobody will bring the subject up with my FIL. He should be asked if he wants to help pay off these debts and bills that are definitely all part of his spending habits, but nobody will ask him about it. If I don't do that, it will never happen ... that's just the reality of it. That's a difficult thing to do, but I feel I'll need to do it before I can be okay loaning/donating money to help out my MIL.

Thanks again for the insight, kind words, complements, and prayers. We really do appreciate it!

[Voodoo]

I guess it really depends on what the reason for the seperation is before determining any other involvement. Examples below:

Infidelity
Hormones
Mental Illness
B-Word or A-Hole

By going to counseling with her, y'all would be taking sides.

In most cases it takes a lot of work to be together for four decades, sometimes it runs its course.

You should explain to both of them the impact it has on y'all. Another words, handle their own crap both financially and emotionally until its a done deal.

Very Important:

"so (non-confrontational) that whatever the problem was becomes twice as bad because he won't address the problem and just lets it fester."

Do you know what that really means?

It means the person doesn't give a **** enough to care to confront it or is using it for punishment. Being non-confrontational in such matters is a negative and huge insight into the mindset of the person eventhough this type of person will make it out to folk that its a plus. It is often a characteristic of a sociopath.

The fact he didn't call for a daughters birthday and the not answering the phone indicates histrionic and controlling behavior, two more characteristics of a sociopath (organized).

This doesn't absolve the mom from some sort of personality disorder because many times they attract. You didn't have much to say about her.

Because of this ^^^^^ parties could be in danger even if the person seems meek.

Good luck fella!

[crawdaddct]

Prayer for you and your family. I know its never easy dealing with this stuff.

[Timemachine]

I think it's a HORRIBLE idea to put both of them in the same room together. Nothing good will come from that I can 98% GUARANTEE that. Well unless you're one of those people that like to but 2 wasps in a jar and then shake the hell out of the jar.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I read every word on this thread. Ragin has made a couple of reall good comments that i cannot improve on.

I will say this. Dad is still family, the mom is still family but the wife...Your wife is Life. Be there for her, support her, stay by her side, give her what she needs.

Mom need to talk with a lawyer. She need to hear the options from an outside professional. I think that alone will help her she regain her strength.

Last but not least, Prayers. I do not think it will heal this relationship, but it might...JUST MIGHT.......easy the pain of all those involved.

[jer_james]

Id say something to the Dad for not talking to the Daughter on her Bday - That is all I would discuss.

Good luck to you and your Wife in dealing with the situation and remaining peaceful.

[Bumpy]

That isn't your place to be bringing up any money issues with a father in law. That is for him and the wife to discuss during their divorce proceedings. They didn't consult with you when they were racking up the debt. If I was the FIL I would tell you something nice if you came to me telling me about my business. Support your wife and I would stay out of it financially. That is grown folks who need to deal with their own issues. It's a reason they're In the shape their in.

[lovemylegacy]

If you get involved, you will be neck deep in it real quick! Just be prepared for it. Im of the opinion, help where you can, other than that, support your wife. I would however go talk to you FIL. You never did say why there is so much hurt. Obviously this is the problem, talk to your FIL about getting that particular thing, forgiven.

Offer no opinions to your wife unless she asks.

Prayers up for you and yours. You sir are doing the correct thing by seeking Divine guidance, that really is all you need.

[rattler03]

my MIL does have an attorney. she can't talk to the attorney everyday, though, at $300/hour, so she was calling my wife and venting, worrying, explaining how she's hurt, confused, unsettled, etc. Now, that has slowed down big time, since my wife is trying to put in some boundaries since it was bringing her down big-time to hear about this for an hour almost every night. I'm very proud of her for standing up for own mental well-being and knowing that she can't help her mom that much anyways (she needs to go to counseling, but we'll see if she thinks she can "afford to take 1 hour off work a week" because that's her reason for not doing so).

I don't plan on talking to my FIL about the money until it becomes clear that they'll soon miss a major payment unless my wife and I loan/donate money to pay the bill and avoid getting behind on the mortgage, car payment, etc. It'll be simple, something like, a little small talk and then "we (your daughter and I) are going to have to pay your mortgage or let you miss the payment and maybe start the foreclosure process. can you help pay it? are you okay with us paying it? your wife can't afford it, so we need to try to find a solution because the worst thing that could happen to y'all financially is to lose that house (your biggest asset) ... what do think we (all of us) should do about this, sir?" something along those lines but more conversational, of course.
I can't see myself being okay paying their bills without first at least letting my FIL know that we (his kids) are having to pay his bills. If he says too bad I can't afford it, that's ok but at least he is aware of it. I don't want to pay a bill that isn't mine just because both parties refuse to communicate at all. If we could find a way to get them in mediation or something it'd be great, but my FIL just doesn't care at all and my MIL is not a leader and probably won't take charge enough to force him to the compromising table any time soon, at least that's my opinion on the situation.

She does have a lawyer, not sure if my FIL does yet but he should by now I'd think, he has basically just dropped off the face of the earth and only communicates with my brother-in-law a little bit but doesn't say much of importance or my BIL is too loyal to him to tell us much of what he's heard. either way, FIL seems to have no interest in my wife (his daughter) or getting this divorce done quickly and fairly (he's just dragging his feet on everything) ... his actions appear very selfish (or maybe worse) to my wife and I, but its difficult to know what to expect from my FIL on any of these things since we have had zero communication with him.

[Bumpy]

If he won't talk to his wife of 40 years why would he speak to you? Honest question

[Lostacresranch]

Doesn't sound like it would be a bad idea for you and your wife to sit down with BOTH of them together. Sounds like they aren't fighting amongst each other, maybe they can be civil and work out the money aspect of the deal. As far as counseling, IF you are helping with the money, and I'm not saying it to be held over her head, but insist she goes to counseling, in a non confrontational way. Maybe offer your wife to go with her a couple times, it may be a little less intimidating. As was stated before, talk to the Dad. He may need it more than her.

Good advice. But she still may not go. You can't force her. Get her a good lawyer. Dad has to pay some of those bills. If his name is on a note, he's liable for it too.

[rattler03]

If you get involved, you will be neck deep in it real quick! Just be prepared for it. Im of the opinion, help where you can, other than that, support your wife. I would however go talk to you FIL. You never did say why there is so much hurt. Obviously this is the problem, talk to your FIL about getting that particular thing, forgiven.

Offer no opinions to your wife unless she asks.

Prayers up for you and yours. You sir are doing the correct thing by seeking Divine guidance, that really is all you need.

I believe the hurt/pain is because my FIL has been an a-hole husband for the last 3 years at least, and showed no interest in his wife, ignored and avoided her, slept upstairs, etc. And, then when she confronted him about it the last time 6ish weeks ago, he said nothing, left the house in the morning a few days later with a few essentials and never spoke one word to his wife of 39 years about leaving and giving up on the marriage.

Now, he had plenty of reason to leave and to be unhappy in his marriage because my MIL is probably the most nagging wife I've ever seen by a large margin, the poor guy could never do anything right. So, eventually he just quit trying and "checked out" which resulted in the above behaviors that hurt his wife.

The real problem is that they never actually addressed any of their issues, they would argue a bit, she'd probably blame him for everything and not take responsibility for her part (that's my opinion based on what I've seen/heard), he'd leave the room and withdraw and things would never get resolved (my wife has been explained these situations by her mother so its a one-sided explanation).

I'm sure it appears that my FIL is an a-hole or a bad guy, but honestly he was just stuck in a miserable marriage and didn't address the issues in his marriage or his own life and allowed it to get to such a bad situation as the one I've explained in this thread. I hope he finds happiness in life after this marriage ends, I really do, he's not a bad person IMO.