In-laws divorcing - advice please

[TexasJim]

Prayers for all of youll.

[rwlopez59]

Sorry but I'm getting in late in this conversation. But, speaking from experience I left my wife of almost 30 years bc I was not happy. But, with that said, I knew exactly what it took to run the household. I supported the household for over 5 years before I legally divorced. I consider myself a stoic man. Therefore I take responsibility for my actions. With that said, your FIL should have the decency to know what his responsibilities are. The bills are not going away. To me the push should be to divorce and divide the owed debt. As hard as it is, don't support the separation. You can help after the fall out is settled. By helping now you are paying for both parties. Who are you really trying to support? My two cents worth. God bless! I hope things work out and everyone gets along.

[rattler03]

I recommend reading the book "Boundaries" and soon. Like right now.
Your in-laws' fiscal responsibilities are just that - THEIR responsibilities. If they miss a payment, major or not, there will be consequences. If they get behind on the car payment, there will be consequences. Is is not your job to shield them from these consequences or to prevent them from happening.

It's called "adulting", even though I can't hardly stand it when people (usually younger than me) use this word, as if they were the first people in history to take care of their business. If your mother in law has stuff she can't afford now (like a big 'ol empty house with several recent upgrades), she needs to go through the process of realizing that her life is different and she needs to sell some things and simplify. If your father in law insists on acting like an emotion-constipated child, he needs some life-lessons to unclog that mess. THEY NEED CONSEQUENCES in order to force them to make better decisions, just exactly like raising children. If you keep them from experiencing consequences (footing the bill for their mistakes), then you have become part of the problem.

I'm sorry if this is too frank and seems heartless, but you asked for advice. Please read these words with my best intentions at heart. Your situation blows, there is no doubt about that. But there are ways of making it much, much worse than it has to be. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE THE "MAN" IN THIS SITUATION. There already is "The Man", even if he isn't acting like it. Let the adults reap what they've sown.

good points all the way around, thank you, sir

[rattler03]

You can bet your butt there are two sides to this story and yall are just hearing one. His silence may well be admirable as he doesnt want to expose your wife to bad things about her mother.

GarGuy hits the nail on the head with this observation. not very surprising that he'd be so right, though. I fully agree, I think Dad is (and has been for a long time) taking the high road and not getting into the blame game and not calling his daughter and talking bad about her mother. on the other hand, my MIL has been doing that very thing for quite a while now because she is almost emotionally dependent on others (my wife being one her biggest 3 confidants), but it doesn't mean much when you say "I know he's your father and y'all need to have a good relationship, but your Dad (insert something terrible he did to my MIL)..." So, yes, my FIL in a way has been being the bigger person by not sharing his frustrations with any of us, and I recognize and appreciate him for that.

I feel like if I pointed out to him that I had observed that behavior in him, it could be a good way to gain his confidence and let him know that we still love him and want a relationship with him. Families need good leaders, and most of the really awesome families that I know have a man that serves as their leader or at least the behind the scenes rock of the family ... I think if I could reach out to my FIL and let him know that I see how he's handled this difficult relationship/marriage and I appreciate his efforts to shield all of us from the worst of it, that it could be a bonding point between him and I. Maybe I could reach out and just check-in with him, and if the conversation started out okay I could mention my above observation and he'd come around to trusting me (he already does trust me) regarding this divorce and that would be a good thing for all of those involved.

I'm smart enough to know not to tell a grown man what he ought to do or shouldn't do, but just to reach out and re-open the lines of communication between us (my wife and I) and her dad sounds like it would be a good idea.
I think someone needs to reach out to him because I'm sure this is really hard on him and he could use hearing that we still love him and want a good relationship with him.

[rattler03]

Ding ding ding sometimes it's best to not say anything. Odd to me that a middle aged woman is working 2 jobs living above her means and you don't see why he left ? When you can't reason with someone you have to move on. It can be draining.

Yes, as an in-law I was amazed at how long he stuck around and put up with it. Nobody, except my MIL, would say that there was much of a relationship left to resurrect at this point. Maybe he could of done a better job of trying to fix it before it got to the past the point of repair, but for all I know he did try and he failed because it takes two. If my MIL wouldn't accept her share of the blame/responsiblilty in this failing marriage, how is he supposed to make it work.

If it sounds like I don't know why he left, then I must of not communicated that part of the situation very well. IMO he had every reason to leave, his marriage was miserable it was making him into a miserable person, and I think in the long run both of them will be happier because he finally left. I do think he owed it to his wife of 39 years to at least tell her that he was leaving and provide a bit more closure, but I'm not going to hold that against him because I wasn't wearing his shoes.

[rattler03]

By your own admission, the MIL is nagging and unappreciative. She's not going to suddenly change her ways. You haven't said how she treats your wife but I would guess she probably is not the same with her. My fear would be that without your FIL around, she would redirect that behavior to the next nearest target. That would be you. Your attempts to help could easily turn into complaints to your wife that you don't do enough. That's only a short hop, skip and a jump to "you are a bad husband too".

I doubt this would happen in the first place, but if it did my wife would see right through it and would tell her mom to cut it out. My wife is a sharp lady, and she knows what's really going between her and I in our own marriage, and she knows her mom well enough to see though any comments like that if they ever were to happen. I appreciate your concern, but I'm not very worried about this even happening and if it did it wouldn't fool my wife in the least.

[rattler03]

Sorry but I'm getting in late in this conversation. But, speaking from experience I left my wife of almost 30 years bc I was not happy. But, with that said, I knew exactly what it took to run the household. I supported the household for over 5 years before I legally divorced. I consider myself a stoic man. Therefore I take responsibility for my actions. With that said, your FIL should have the decency to know what his responsibilities are. The bills are not going away. To me the push should be to divorce and divide the owed debt. As hard as it is, don't support the separation. You can help after the fall out is settled. By helping now you are paying for both parties. Who are you really trying to support? My two cents worth. God bless! I hope things work out and everyone gets along.

Thanks for the response. This is the hardest part of it for me, I agree we can't let them get foreclosed on ... if that were to happen I might have my MIL living with me for pete's sake. But, I agree that my FIL should be the one fixing the problem of MIL not having the cash flow to pay all the bills. I think he'd definitely step in and pay if he could afford (I believe he could), but he isn't going to ask if his help is needed (it doesn't really matter whether he should ask or not because in reality he isn't going to go around asking if his help is needed, so that's a moot point).

So unless they start moving the divorce along legally and a lawyer can inform him that he needs to help with these bills, a family member is going to have to tell him about it. I don't see any way that I'd be okay paying a bill that I thought was partly his responsibility unless I knew he was aware of the needed money to make the payment, and he had said that he wouldn't help out. With the reality being that we are the only family members with the financial ability to help out in this type of situation, if I can't write the check without knowing that my FIL is aware that we (my wife and I) are now paying his bills, then someone is going to have to communicate the reality of their financial situation to him and it may just turn out to be me.

I hope it doesn't come to that, but that is basically a line in the sand for me. And, I don't think the guy is going to be mad that I came and told him about it before I spent my own money on their problem. He'd understand where I was coming from and respect it, whether he liked the fact that I brought it to his attention or not. He's a straight-shooter and responds better to people when they are direct about things, so I'm confident that I could have that conversation with him man-to-man and it wouldn't blow up in my face.

[Smithwr]

Dont pay any bills, and dont allow her to move in, been there done that it WILL cause conflict with you and your wife.

If shes working 2 jobs then she can afford an apartment or something.

[ranchdog]

I recommend reading the book "Boundaries" and soon. Like right now.
Your in-laws' fiscal responsibilities are just that - THEIR responsibilities. If they miss a payment, major or not, there will be consequences. If they get behind on the car payment, there will be consequences. Is is not your job to shield them from these consequences or to prevent them from happening.

It's called "adulting", even though I can't hardly stand it when people (usually younger than me) use this word, as if they were the first people in history to take care of their business. If your mother in law has stuff she can't afford now (like a big 'ol empty house with several recent upgrades), she needs to go through the process of realizing that her life is different and she needs to sell some things and simplify. If your father in law insists on acting like an emotion-constipated child, he needs some life-lessons to unclog that mess. THEY NEED CONSEQUENCES in order to force them to make better decisions, just exactly like raising children. If you keep them from experiencing consequences (footing the bill for their mistakes), then you have become part of the problem.

I'm sorry if this is too frank and seems heartless, but you asked for advice. Please read these words with my best intentions at heart. Your situation blows, there is no doubt about that. But there are ways of making it much, much worse than it has to be. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE THE "MAN" IN THIS SITUATION. There already is "The Man", even if he isn't acting like it. Let the adults reap what they've sown.

This

[wal1809]

You can bet your butt there are two sides to this story and yall are just hearing one. His silence may well be admirable as he doesnt want to expose your wife to bad things about her mother.

Words to live by.^^^

[wal1809]

Dont pay any bills, and dont allow her to move in, been there done that it WILL cause conflict with you and your wife.

If shes working 2 jobs then she can afford an apartment or something.

I learned this from experience. We took in my mo in law after she had a stroke. When it was time for her to go to a home(We could not take care of her) all government assistance (what she paid for in taxes her whole life)was refused. No doctor would sign saying she was a danger to herself so we had to live with it. That went on for 3 years and what her 800 a month SS didn't pay for so far as a daily caretaker, we had to foot that bill. It wasn't until we flooded we were able to get her to a home as we were all homeless at that point. The real point here is we are supposed to take care of each other but there are hidden traps in doing so. Divorces are huge traps that leave scars for everybody involved.