In-laws divorcing - advice please

[rattler03]

If he won't talk to his wife of 40 years why would he speak to you? Honest question

because I wasn't the one he was unhappily married to for at least the last 11 years that I've known them. she was horrible about nagging him and complaining about him (see above reply to legacy where I explain things a little bit better)

[BonesandArrow]

To start, I read your original post and only a couple others so that I could provide my thoughts without agreeing or disagreeing with other advice given. My in laws are in a big money situation involving siblings from my father in laws side. This has been going on for 4+ years and I have been a listener first and provide mostly thoughts with an unbiased opinion and occasional biased opinions when needed. In doing so I have became "the rock" for my in laws and the closest brother. I believe a man at any age needs a listener/ ear to talk to and at some point the relationship will change to where you know that you are the ear that matters the most and your thoughts are greatly needed and appreciated. After 4 years of this I have found myself at times being the mediator between the confrontational family members. I believe it can happen this way for you by talking with both of your wife's parents. I to am a stoic man that will hold it in and yes I have a friend that I lean on as my rock. My thoughts - providing money to your mother in law has only a small risk of creating animosity with your father in law. Yes talk to both your wife and mother in law at the same time about helping with money. You are both young and will have plenty of time to make up for the money you provide for her. Being your father in laws rock may help him come around to provide financial help for the woman he spent the majority of his life with. This won't be quick so plan for several years of going through this and hopefully your wife can find the path to being happy and forgiving.

[Matt_C]

you need to ask yourself one question.

Do you want a divorce?

Because that's how you get a divorce......



and by that I mean you are pretty much screwed, no matter what.

Keep your head down and your mouth shut.
Go back to work, do whatever you need to do to support your wife.
Don't get involved.
Don't argue with your wife about anything right now.

It's just money.

The only thing more expensive than a divorce is two divorces.

^^^ Now this is an accurate statement. "mouth shut" is especially important.

[Bumpy]

because I wasn't the one he was unhappily married to for at least the last 11 years that I've known them. she was horrible about nagging him and complaining about him (see above reply to legacy where I explain things a little bit better)

You're missing the point. If he won't speak to his wife who he took vows to marry he surely doesn't want to talk to a son in law.

[Hogmauler]

When you start "floating" money things can get bad between you two. Be sure your on guard about that. Protect your own relationship first, and yes, help your mil when possible. Pray brother.

[Nova]

Sounds like they need to put the house up for sale and settle their debts. He doesn't want it and she doesn't need it and can't afford it. Time to live within their means.

[ezypikns]

No advice, just an observation.

You can't fix any of this.

Advice: Be supportive of your wife (as you are now).

One more observation: Time will probably take care of these problems, but it's going to be hard on all until that time passes.


Sad.

[Brazman]

I don't plan on talking to my FIL about the money until it becomes clear that they'll soon miss a major payment unless my wife and I loan/donate money to pay the bill and avoid getting behind on the mortgage, car payment, etc.

I recommend reading the book "Boundaries" and soon. Like right now.
Your in-laws' fiscal responsibilities are just that - THEIR responsibilities. If they miss a payment, major or not, there will be consequences. If they get behind on the car payment, there will be consequences. Is is not your job to shield them from these consequences or to prevent them from happening.

It's called "adulting", even though I can't hardly stand it when people (usually younger than me) use this word, as if they were the first people in history to take care of their business. If your mother in law has stuff she can't afford now (like a big 'ol empty house with several recent upgrades), she needs to go through the process of realizing that her life is different and she needs to sell some things and simplify. If your father in law insists on acting like an emotion-constipated child, he needs some life-lessons to unclog that mess. THEY NEED CONSEQUENCES in order to force them to make better decisions, just exactly like raising children. If you keep them from experiencing consequences (footing the bill for their mistakes), then you have become part of the problem.

I'm sorry if this is too frank and seems heartless, but you asked for advice. Please read these words with my best intentions at heart. Your situation blows, there is no doubt about that. But there are ways of making it much, much worse than it has to be. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE THE "MAN" IN THIS SITUATION. There already is "The Man", even if he isn't acting like it. Let the adults reap what they've sown.

[wal1809]

I am surprised that no one has mentioned a lawyer! At least (the Mom) needs to consult a lawyer and they can file for temporary support for her. Sounds like she needs it. Just because you get a lawyer doesn't mean divorce is immanent and it can help her financially so you do not have to.

This ^^^ and I would stay wayyyyy clear of both of them until the smoke clears. I aint saying abot your situation but if I were wearing your shoes, I would tell me "This aint none of my business". Situations like this can get super ugly, super fast.

[Cajun shooter]

I recommend reading the book "Boundaries" and soon. Like right now.

Your in-laws' fiscal responsibilities are just that - THEIR responsibilities. If they miss a payment, major or not, there will be consequences. If they get behind on the car payment, there will be consequences. Is is not your job to shield them from these consequences or to prevent them from happening.



It's called "adulting", even though I can't hardly stand it when people (usually younger than me) use this word, as if they were the first people in history to take care of their business. If your mother in law has stuff she can't afford now (like a big 'ol empty house with several recent upgrades), she needs to go through the process of realizing that her life is different and she needs to sell some things and simplify. If your father in law insists on acting like an emotion-constipated child, he needs some life-lessons to unclog that mess. THEY NEED CONSEQUENCES in order to force them to make better decisions, just exactly like raising children. If you keep them from experiencing consequences (footing the bill for their mistakes), then you have become part of the problem.



I'm sorry if this is too frank and seems heartless, but you asked for advice. Please read these words with my best intentions at heart. Your situation blows, there is no doubt about that. But there are ways of making it much, much worse than it has to be. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE THE "MAN" IN THIS SITUATION. There already is "The Man", even if he isn't acting like it. Let the adults reap what they've sown.

Read this again! This is the best advice you can get.


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[GarGuy]

because I wasn't the one he was unhappily married to for at least the last 11 years that I've known them. she was horrible about nagging him and complaining about him (see above reply to legacy where I explain things a little bit better)

You can bet your butt there are two sides to this story and yall are just hearing one. His silence may well be admirable as he doesnt want to expose your wife to bad things about her mother.

[Bumpy]

You can bet your butt there are two sides to this story and yall are just hearing one. His silence may well be admirable as he doesnt want to expose your wife to bad things about her mother.

Ding ding ding sometimes it's best to not say anything. Odd to me that a middle aged woman is working 2 jobs living above her means and you don't see why he left ? When you can't reason with someone you have to move on. It can be draining.

[Rush2Judge]

By your own admission, the MIL is nagging and unappreciative. She's not going to suddenly change her ways. You haven't said how she treats your wife but I would guess she probably is not the same with her. My fear would be that without your FIL around, she would redirect that behavior to the next nearest target. That would be you. Your attempts to help could easily turn into complaints to your wife that you don't do enough. That's only a short hop, skip and a jump to "you are a bad husband too".

[TxAg]

Don't give them any money.

It's a slippery slope.

You're young. Save for retirement and your kids' education.

[lmartin5]

This. Only thing I would do is remove myself from the situation. They're grown folks. Sounds mean I know but, they are grown.


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