Okay, this is your fault for saying nice things about me and encouraging me when I posted up the other stories.
Back in 96, a woman contacted me and asked me write a humor article for a new bowhunting magazine they were trying to get off the ground. She was in a hurry and told me to throw something together and not worry about editing or spelling and such, they just needed content. It is a little dated, but still has value in my opinion.
Well, the magazine was never published and I don't think this little piece I wrote was either. So forgive the fact that it is not edited well (at all). Something different from the normal story of a hunt.
I know that humor is very subjective from person to person, but perhaps you may enjoy this attempt at it. I have thick skin like an alligator and always welcome both positive and negative feedback....so here ya go.
Top Bowhunting Excuses
Recently, several guys where I work have decided to take up bowhunting. It is well known that I am an obsessed bowhunting fanatic, so these guys came to me for advice on equipment and getting started. After helping them it occurred to me that I had forgotten one crucial item: a ready supply of excuses. It is common knowledge that we bowhunters consider ourselves above the common outdoorsman. We who have to get so close to our prey, must have superior hunting skills…right? We also know that about a bazillion things can go wrong when the moment of truth arises.
The first thing that happens when you get back to camp or the truck is your explanation of what happened on your hunt. The question could be as obvious as “Did you see anything?” but more likely will come as just a “Well?” At these times when things have not gone your way, and this will be a vast majority of the time, you will need to excel at excuse making or lose your status as bowhunter extraordinaire. Because there are new bowhunters out there who could use this help and because I am the undisputed KING of Excuses, I have compiled a list of the dozen most common. This should get you at least started down the right path. I will start with the most useful and finish with the desperate attempts to be believable.
1. The Unseen Limb: This is the most commonly used excuse for missing in all of bowhunting. You can’t pick up a bowhunting magazine without a least one miss because the arrow deflected off of an unseen limb. This, of course, is not your fault. It is nature’s fault for putting it there. You did everything right. You couldn’t see the limb. Of course your buddies will never ask how big was the limb or want to go see the limb, so this can be used for anything from clean misses near tiny twigs to centering giant tree trunks. This excuse can be used several times in a single season and thus is very useful.
2. Swirling Winds: This excuse is a very close second to the unseen limb and is used a lot. All bowhunters know that if an animal smells you, you are history. Your hunt is over. Since no one can control the weather, this a great excuse. This can even be used to enhance your status. Tell a story that goes something like this…I spotted the bedded mulie from a half mile away. After carefully planning my route I was off. At a hundred yards I took off my boots. I slipped right passed a rattler that never knew I was there. At fifty yards I started crawling through the cactus. At thirty yards I was in position with an arrow on the string. I was about to rise up and take the shot. (pause for dramatic effect). Then I felt it, that cool tickle on the back of my neck. The wind was swirling. I drew but the buck was already leaping from his bed and the shot would have been unethical. Swirling winds got me again. (the snake might be laying it on a bit thick, but you get the point). At this point don’t be surprised if other hunters jump on the swirling winds bandwagon with a “yup, me too”. This is a common occurrence one you have laid the groundwork. This gives you all credibility and whatever excuse that they had prepared they can save for another occasion.
3. Not What I Was Looking For: This is great to use when deer come to your stand, but for whatever reason you did not get to shoot. Maybe you were asleep, or shaking so badly from excitement until it was too late. When your friends ask, “Did you see anything?”, fire them a look that says “I am a great hunter so of course I saw something…I always see something”. In a nonchalant manner say “Few deer, one buck.” They will immediately retort, “Why didn’t you shoot him?” At this point you reply with total arrogance, “He was not what I was looking for”, Note here that you did not say that he was small. He could have been a hoss, but he was NOT what you were looking for.
If you like this excuse and plan on using it, remember not to announce before the hunt that you are shooting the first deer you see. This tends to damage your credibility as a picky deer shooter. If after using this excuse you happen to shoot a spike or small buck on a following hunt, all is not lost. Some wisenheimer will undoubtedly ask, “Oh, so this is what you were waiting for?”. Handle it like this: let out a long audible exhale and say in a tone you would use talking to a first grader, “No, the deer I passed up yesterday had huge potential, any decent hunter could tell this one obviously has inferior genetics. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to cull this one and improve the herd”. Remember you must keep arrogant attitude for believability.
4. Did Not Get the Perfect Shot: This is another example for when you had deer traffic but failed to capitalize on the opportunity. You can feel free to take a little artistic license here for dramatic effect. “Yeah, I saw a buck and he was a good’en, I can’t say for sure but I think he was a big ten, but he might have had a couple of kickers.” The one that got away always grows a bit, it’s just natural. This proves that you indeed can get close to the big ones. “What happened they ask?” You think about it for a minute as you appear to be visualizing the buck standing right there in front of you. “Well, he just would present the perfect shot.” This emphasizes your impeccable ethics and self-control, attributes found in all great bowhunters. Once again it was not your fault you did not loose an arrow. You showed great restraint not taking an iffy shot. If anyone is to be blamed, it would have to be the deer. If you want to ice this particular cake add “Just one more step…..” and then sort of stare off into space.
5. Mechanical Failure: I have lumped all mechanical and equipment failures into one category. However you should be aware that the number of things that can go wrong associated with your gear is staggering. I personally know several experienced bowhunters who have specialized and only use this excuse category. They have become experts at equipment failure. These guys can be recognized because they are always tuning and adjusting their bows and other accessories. I don’t have room to give you an expansive list here so I will give you an example to demonstrate the concept. Peep Sight: My peep turned and I couldn’t see through it, it was too dark and I couldn’t see through my peep, my peep slid up the string causing me to miss high, there was ice in my peep, the little rubber tubing that keeps my peep straight failed. You can see what I mean by the vast amount of equipment excuses. I just rattled off a handful and they only concern one tiny bit of plastic.
The most creative one I ever used went like this: as the arrow traveled forward at the shot, the little piece of moleskin I was using on my arrow rest came loose. It rolled up getting larger and larger as the shaft slid along. This caused, to my surprise, my arrow to kick way tail high and hit in the ground short of what should have been a dead deer. When I retrieved the arrow it was still on the shaft like a little tootsie roll. This moleskin had served to quiet my bow and send perfect practice arrows for literally hundreds of shots. How could I ever know that it would fail at that critical moment? Now there a few out there who will try and insist that it is the bowhunter’s responsibility to make sure that all of the equipment is in perfect working order and thus his fault when his stuff breaks. Well, I don’t work in a factory where they make these items, how can I possibly be held accountable for their quality control? We have all become dependent on our gadgets and can’t know when they might break, it is not your fault, it’s definitely the equipment’s fault.
6. Jumped the String: If you are just starting bowhunting, you may not know what this is. Trust me…you will. What this means is that the animal that you shot at, heard the noise of the bow firing and moved out of the way before the arrow got arrived. This is a common occurrence, especially if you shoot at animals that are nervous or are looking at you. It has been well documented in hunting videos. This is the reason we all try and keep our bows as quiet as possible. The story that has gone around tells of a guy, who shoots at a deer facing left, and the deer spins a complete hundred and eighty degrees and he hits it perfectly on the right side. If you shoot at a deer and miss, especially high, that deer undoubtedly jumped the string. You shot a perfect arrow. That is all you could do. It was the deer’s fault, or good fortune that it was out of the way. You will want to use caution that you do not over use this excuse or your buddies will start whispering that you can’t read deer body language and are shooting at wired animals or have a noisy bow.
7. Others: Once again we have an example of something that is beyond our control. Other people in the woods can ruin your hunt. If you hunt on public land whenever possible try blame none hunters. Hikers and bikers are good examples. If you have to blame other hunters, try and at least blame non-bowhunters. Squirrel hunters are my favorite target. These excuses can be as simple as they passed by at a bad time, or as horrifying as another hunter was actually sitting in your stand when you got there. If you hunt on private land or a lease, you can still use this, but you will have to blame your actual hunting partners. This can be a little tricky. One possible way this might go is like this; “Hey Johnson, how come the great bowhunter didn’t get anything this morning?” Then I answer, “Well, somebody, I am not sure who, got down and stomped out of the woods just as I was about to draw on a doe!” The other hunters in camp don’t want to be accused of not putting in a good effort, so even if they stayed late they will probably just mutter under their breath, “Well, it wasn’t me”.
8. Other Animals: Sometimes when you have exhausted the better choices you can use other animals to explain your blown opportunities. You can say that an old doe stayed on high alert and you just couldn’t move, or a deer well down wind that you couldn’t even see smelled you and snorted. Any number of small animals can spoil a chance. I often use squirrels barking at me because they got right to me before they noticed I wasn’t part of the tree. This demonstrates my ability to use camouflage and sit perfectly still, both excellent bowhunter traits. Livestock if present where you hunt can be used on a fairly regular basis as well. I wish I had a dollar for every time I reported, stupid goats or dang cows ruined my hunt. I could probably pay for next years lease.
My friend Jody used this in a most creative way on a day hunt near Sabinal. We were hunting stands that were close and I saw that he had deer all around him. He told me, with a straight face, that a flock of small birds landed all in the tree he was hunting in. Because he is such an awesome hunter with the ability to sit statue like, the little birds never suspected he was there. When he decided it was time to draw, even though he moved at the speed of a creeping minute hand on a clock, the birds that were perched on the limbs printed on his camo couldn’t help but spook. Jody is almost as good at this as I am. You can see that like before, this is natures fault and totally beyond the hunters control.
9. Something Bizarre: Here the idea is to go with something so outlandish that it must be true. It is so bizarre that you couldn’t possibly be just making it up. I was once on a turkey hunt in Oklahoma and had crawled to within easy shotgun range of a flock. I was waiting for the big gobbler to get clear to take the shot. Just then, out of nowhere, this F4 Phantom jet from nearby Vance flew over me at about a hundred feet off the ground and at about five hundred miles an hour. The plane went by before the sound got to me. When I looked back down, the turkeys had naturally vanished. Now, this really happened (of course it did), but if you were going to stretch the truth a bit on your own excuse you would want to take note of my excellent use of the type of aircraft and even the base it flew from. This type of detail helps sell your story. Okay one more example before I move on. On an antelope hunt in northern Colorado one time we picked up the hunter and asked why he didn’t get a shot. He told us that one of those aluminum party balloons filled with helium had come floating along the prairie. Presumably from a birthday party or a BBQ. It had drifted into the bowl that held the water hole he was hunting. It had just enough gas in it to float about ten feet off the ground. Because of the swirling winds (see number 2, he was attempting to use the advanced technique of combining excuses) it had stayed in the bowl and acted like a shiny predator that was trying to eat pronghorns. Goats don’t tolerate much unusual so they had stayed away out of shooting range. The guy had been kind of a **** in camp so I asked why he didn’t just shoot it down with an extra arrow and bring it in the blind. I could tell by the look on his face that I had caught him off guard. After a minute (too long) he explained the guide had told him to stay in the blind so that is what he did. I let it go, because I admired his creativity and because I didn’t want the third degree after my next hunt.
10. I Don’t Know: This is totally my own creation and only to be used when you are desperate. We are getting into the obscure. As a last resort of taking some kind of blame and no responsibility, just claim you don’t know what happened. Here is how it goes: “Hey Johnson, did you get a shot this morning?” Look at them with bewilderment and say “Yeah, I took a shot at a doe”. They come back with “Well, where is she?” and you say “I don’t know”, then follow up with your story. Explain that everything was perfect. She was standing in the right spot and your shot felt like a perfect arrow, but unbelievably, there was no sign of a hit. Look the other hunters right in the eye and just shrug in amazement. At this point every hunter in camp feels obligated to try and solve the mystery for you. “Did your arrow deflect off an unseen limb?” one might ask. “No, there were no limbs.” “Did she jump the string?” from another. “I didn’t see it if she did” you answer. “Did you miss judge the distance?” (which would be totally your fault). “No, I paced it off and it was right.” “Jerk the release, use the wrong pin, not pick a spot?” “No,no,no” you answer them all. Each time a person throws out a reason for missing just say, “I don’t know without admitting to any shortcomings”. It’s best to just keep it an unsolved mystery. It is also important to listen to the reasons they throw out carefully, because you might hear a good excuses you have not used before and can add to your supply for later. When it is all said and done and the group has exhausted all of the reasons why the best bowhunter on the planet didn’t connect. They will look at each other and you will all say, “I don’t know”. The only thing left is divine intervention, and act of God. The arrow passed through the deer without touching it. Amazing!
11. Misjudged the Distance: Okay folks, the first ten were attempts to completely deflect blame. If you feel like you must take a little responsibility now and then, here is how you do it with as little damage to your reputation as possible. You just misjudged the distance to the target. This is easy to do and even people in the military who have been specifically trained to judge distance can only get within about ten percent of the exact number. If you add in some brush or low light conditions it is easy to understand how this can happen. Even great bowhunters need to seem a little human and this will happen to everyone from time to time.
12. Used the Wrong Pin: This excuse can only be used by hunters with multiple pin sights. I have personally never used this one because I only used one sight pin on my compound bow and now have switched to traditional, but I have heard it used successfully on a number of occasions. It can be used in conjunction with, I misjudged the distance, or it can stand alone. Remember my friend Jody, well he once used it like this. He was hunting in a brush blind when a monster buck came out. He was standing at thirty yards, unaware, and in the perfect spot for a shot. Jody, lifted his bow and drew it to anchor. He judged the distance at thirty yards and in his excitement put his third pin on the deer and touched off his release. The arrow flew harmlessly feet over the deer’s back. On later reflection, he realizes that he had only sighted in two sight pins. One for twenty and closer and one for thirty. That third pin that was just on the sight down in nowheresville, was not sighted in for anything. At the time of the shot, third pin equates for thirty yards made perfect sense to his adrenaline-fried brain. This is not equipment failure, because the equipment functioned perfectly. He could try to throw a little blame at the manufacturer for putting unnecessary pins on the sight, but really he is going have to shoulder a bit of the blame. Still, this is a good excuse, because he is blaming is preparation and set up more than his actual hunting skills. He could say something like, “I knew I should have taken that stupid unnecessary pin off.” He is still a great hunter, just a bit lazy perhaps.
If you are an experienced hunter reading that you are probably thinking the miss was really caused by Buck Fever. If you are not aware of this phenomena let give you a quick breakdown. When a hunter sees an animal he or she really wants, all the work, anticipation, and excitement turn into a physical reaction. Your body dumps and adrenaline and all those fight or flight chemicals into your system. Your blood feels like it is on fire, your heart is racing, and your breathing is rapid. Your hands can shake uncontrollably. You may become so week that you can’t pull your bow back or even a trigger. Realizing what is happening to you, it can even make it worse. Most hunters have felt at least some degree of this at some time in their pursuit of prey. Even if this is not debilitating, it can cause you to forget everything you have practiced and planned and just react, poorly. In other words you choke.
It used to be that no self-respecting bowhunter would ever admit to having this humiliating affliction, as we all want to be cool under pressure. However lately I have read about some of the biggest names in the sport confessing to some degree of it. Well, as soon as some of the pro’s started admitting to it, I started hearing a few hunters in camp coming clean. This is kind of a new thing and when someone fess up, the others around the fire kind of chuckle nervously and look away. They may say something like “Yep, that can happen”, implying to anyone but themselves. I know we all might have a bit of Buck Fever from time to time, but if this is the best excuse you can come up with, you need to work on your creativity.
While this is by no means a complete list, it should get you started as you perfect your bowhunting skills. And lastly, don’t get lazy and just outright lie. Don’t show up in camp with an empty quiver and try and say you didn’t see anything. Good excuses may be a touch exaggerated, but they should be within bow range of the truth. Good luck and good hunting.
Back in 96, a woman contacted me and asked me write a humor article for a new bowhunting magazine they were trying to get off the ground. She was in a hurry and told me to throw something together and not worry about editing or spelling and such, they just needed content. It is a little dated, but still has value in my opinion.
Well, the magazine was never published and I don't think this little piece I wrote was either. So forgive the fact that it is not edited well (at all). Something different from the normal story of a hunt.
I know that humor is very subjective from person to person, but perhaps you may enjoy this attempt at it. I have thick skin like an alligator and always welcome both positive and negative feedback....so here ya go.
Top Bowhunting Excuses
Recently, several guys where I work have decided to take up bowhunting. It is well known that I am an obsessed bowhunting fanatic, so these guys came to me for advice on equipment and getting started. After helping them it occurred to me that I had forgotten one crucial item: a ready supply of excuses. It is common knowledge that we bowhunters consider ourselves above the common outdoorsman. We who have to get so close to our prey, must have superior hunting skills…right? We also know that about a bazillion things can go wrong when the moment of truth arises.
The first thing that happens when you get back to camp or the truck is your explanation of what happened on your hunt. The question could be as obvious as “Did you see anything?” but more likely will come as just a “Well?” At these times when things have not gone your way, and this will be a vast majority of the time, you will need to excel at excuse making or lose your status as bowhunter extraordinaire. Because there are new bowhunters out there who could use this help and because I am the undisputed KING of Excuses, I have compiled a list of the dozen most common. This should get you at least started down the right path. I will start with the most useful and finish with the desperate attempts to be believable.
1. The Unseen Limb: This is the most commonly used excuse for missing in all of bowhunting. You can’t pick up a bowhunting magazine without a least one miss because the arrow deflected off of an unseen limb. This, of course, is not your fault. It is nature’s fault for putting it there. You did everything right. You couldn’t see the limb. Of course your buddies will never ask how big was the limb or want to go see the limb, so this can be used for anything from clean misses near tiny twigs to centering giant tree trunks. This excuse can be used several times in a single season and thus is very useful.
2. Swirling Winds: This excuse is a very close second to the unseen limb and is used a lot. All bowhunters know that if an animal smells you, you are history. Your hunt is over. Since no one can control the weather, this a great excuse. This can even be used to enhance your status. Tell a story that goes something like this…I spotted the bedded mulie from a half mile away. After carefully planning my route I was off. At a hundred yards I took off my boots. I slipped right passed a rattler that never knew I was there. At fifty yards I started crawling through the cactus. At thirty yards I was in position with an arrow on the string. I was about to rise up and take the shot. (pause for dramatic effect). Then I felt it, that cool tickle on the back of my neck. The wind was swirling. I drew but the buck was already leaping from his bed and the shot would have been unethical. Swirling winds got me again. (the snake might be laying it on a bit thick, but you get the point). At this point don’t be surprised if other hunters jump on the swirling winds bandwagon with a “yup, me too”. This is a common occurrence one you have laid the groundwork. This gives you all credibility and whatever excuse that they had prepared they can save for another occasion.
3. Not What I Was Looking For: This is great to use when deer come to your stand, but for whatever reason you did not get to shoot. Maybe you were asleep, or shaking so badly from excitement until it was too late. When your friends ask, “Did you see anything?”, fire them a look that says “I am a great hunter so of course I saw something…I always see something”. In a nonchalant manner say “Few deer, one buck.” They will immediately retort, “Why didn’t you shoot him?” At this point you reply with total arrogance, “He was not what I was looking for”, Note here that you did not say that he was small. He could have been a hoss, but he was NOT what you were looking for.
If you like this excuse and plan on using it, remember not to announce before the hunt that you are shooting the first deer you see. This tends to damage your credibility as a picky deer shooter. If after using this excuse you happen to shoot a spike or small buck on a following hunt, all is not lost. Some wisenheimer will undoubtedly ask, “Oh, so this is what you were waiting for?”. Handle it like this: let out a long audible exhale and say in a tone you would use talking to a first grader, “No, the deer I passed up yesterday had huge potential, any decent hunter could tell this one obviously has inferior genetics. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to cull this one and improve the herd”. Remember you must keep arrogant attitude for believability.
4. Did Not Get the Perfect Shot: This is another example for when you had deer traffic but failed to capitalize on the opportunity. You can feel free to take a little artistic license here for dramatic effect. “Yeah, I saw a buck and he was a good’en, I can’t say for sure but I think he was a big ten, but he might have had a couple of kickers.” The one that got away always grows a bit, it’s just natural. This proves that you indeed can get close to the big ones. “What happened they ask?” You think about it for a minute as you appear to be visualizing the buck standing right there in front of you. “Well, he just would present the perfect shot.” This emphasizes your impeccable ethics and self-control, attributes found in all great bowhunters. Once again it was not your fault you did not loose an arrow. You showed great restraint not taking an iffy shot. If anyone is to be blamed, it would have to be the deer. If you want to ice this particular cake add “Just one more step…..” and then sort of stare off into space.
5. Mechanical Failure: I have lumped all mechanical and equipment failures into one category. However you should be aware that the number of things that can go wrong associated with your gear is staggering. I personally know several experienced bowhunters who have specialized and only use this excuse category. They have become experts at equipment failure. These guys can be recognized because they are always tuning and adjusting their bows and other accessories. I don’t have room to give you an expansive list here so I will give you an example to demonstrate the concept. Peep Sight: My peep turned and I couldn’t see through it, it was too dark and I couldn’t see through my peep, my peep slid up the string causing me to miss high, there was ice in my peep, the little rubber tubing that keeps my peep straight failed. You can see what I mean by the vast amount of equipment excuses. I just rattled off a handful and they only concern one tiny bit of plastic.
The most creative one I ever used went like this: as the arrow traveled forward at the shot, the little piece of moleskin I was using on my arrow rest came loose. It rolled up getting larger and larger as the shaft slid along. This caused, to my surprise, my arrow to kick way tail high and hit in the ground short of what should have been a dead deer. When I retrieved the arrow it was still on the shaft like a little tootsie roll. This moleskin had served to quiet my bow and send perfect practice arrows for literally hundreds of shots. How could I ever know that it would fail at that critical moment? Now there a few out there who will try and insist that it is the bowhunter’s responsibility to make sure that all of the equipment is in perfect working order and thus his fault when his stuff breaks. Well, I don’t work in a factory where they make these items, how can I possibly be held accountable for their quality control? We have all become dependent on our gadgets and can’t know when they might break, it is not your fault, it’s definitely the equipment’s fault.
6. Jumped the String: If you are just starting bowhunting, you may not know what this is. Trust me…you will. What this means is that the animal that you shot at, heard the noise of the bow firing and moved out of the way before the arrow got arrived. This is a common occurrence, especially if you shoot at animals that are nervous or are looking at you. It has been well documented in hunting videos. This is the reason we all try and keep our bows as quiet as possible. The story that has gone around tells of a guy, who shoots at a deer facing left, and the deer spins a complete hundred and eighty degrees and he hits it perfectly on the right side. If you shoot at a deer and miss, especially high, that deer undoubtedly jumped the string. You shot a perfect arrow. That is all you could do. It was the deer’s fault, or good fortune that it was out of the way. You will want to use caution that you do not over use this excuse or your buddies will start whispering that you can’t read deer body language and are shooting at wired animals or have a noisy bow.
7. Others: Once again we have an example of something that is beyond our control. Other people in the woods can ruin your hunt. If you hunt on public land whenever possible try blame none hunters. Hikers and bikers are good examples. If you have to blame other hunters, try and at least blame non-bowhunters. Squirrel hunters are my favorite target. These excuses can be as simple as they passed by at a bad time, or as horrifying as another hunter was actually sitting in your stand when you got there. If you hunt on private land or a lease, you can still use this, but you will have to blame your actual hunting partners. This can be a little tricky. One possible way this might go is like this; “Hey Johnson, how come the great bowhunter didn’t get anything this morning?” Then I answer, “Well, somebody, I am not sure who, got down and stomped out of the woods just as I was about to draw on a doe!” The other hunters in camp don’t want to be accused of not putting in a good effort, so even if they stayed late they will probably just mutter under their breath, “Well, it wasn’t me”.
8. Other Animals: Sometimes when you have exhausted the better choices you can use other animals to explain your blown opportunities. You can say that an old doe stayed on high alert and you just couldn’t move, or a deer well down wind that you couldn’t even see smelled you and snorted. Any number of small animals can spoil a chance. I often use squirrels barking at me because they got right to me before they noticed I wasn’t part of the tree. This demonstrates my ability to use camouflage and sit perfectly still, both excellent bowhunter traits. Livestock if present where you hunt can be used on a fairly regular basis as well. I wish I had a dollar for every time I reported, stupid goats or dang cows ruined my hunt. I could probably pay for next years lease.
My friend Jody used this in a most creative way on a day hunt near Sabinal. We were hunting stands that were close and I saw that he had deer all around him. He told me, with a straight face, that a flock of small birds landed all in the tree he was hunting in. Because he is such an awesome hunter with the ability to sit statue like, the little birds never suspected he was there. When he decided it was time to draw, even though he moved at the speed of a creeping minute hand on a clock, the birds that were perched on the limbs printed on his camo couldn’t help but spook. Jody is almost as good at this as I am. You can see that like before, this is natures fault and totally beyond the hunters control.
9. Something Bizarre: Here the idea is to go with something so outlandish that it must be true. It is so bizarre that you couldn’t possibly be just making it up. I was once on a turkey hunt in Oklahoma and had crawled to within easy shotgun range of a flock. I was waiting for the big gobbler to get clear to take the shot. Just then, out of nowhere, this F4 Phantom jet from nearby Vance flew over me at about a hundred feet off the ground and at about five hundred miles an hour. The plane went by before the sound got to me. When I looked back down, the turkeys had naturally vanished. Now, this really happened (of course it did), but if you were going to stretch the truth a bit on your own excuse you would want to take note of my excellent use of the type of aircraft and even the base it flew from. This type of detail helps sell your story. Okay one more example before I move on. On an antelope hunt in northern Colorado one time we picked up the hunter and asked why he didn’t get a shot. He told us that one of those aluminum party balloons filled with helium had come floating along the prairie. Presumably from a birthday party or a BBQ. It had drifted into the bowl that held the water hole he was hunting. It had just enough gas in it to float about ten feet off the ground. Because of the swirling winds (see number 2, he was attempting to use the advanced technique of combining excuses) it had stayed in the bowl and acted like a shiny predator that was trying to eat pronghorns. Goats don’t tolerate much unusual so they had stayed away out of shooting range. The guy had been kind of a **** in camp so I asked why he didn’t just shoot it down with an extra arrow and bring it in the blind. I could tell by the look on his face that I had caught him off guard. After a minute (too long) he explained the guide had told him to stay in the blind so that is what he did. I let it go, because I admired his creativity and because I didn’t want the third degree after my next hunt.
10. I Don’t Know: This is totally my own creation and only to be used when you are desperate. We are getting into the obscure. As a last resort of taking some kind of blame and no responsibility, just claim you don’t know what happened. Here is how it goes: “Hey Johnson, did you get a shot this morning?” Look at them with bewilderment and say “Yeah, I took a shot at a doe”. They come back with “Well, where is she?” and you say “I don’t know”, then follow up with your story. Explain that everything was perfect. She was standing in the right spot and your shot felt like a perfect arrow, but unbelievably, there was no sign of a hit. Look the other hunters right in the eye and just shrug in amazement. At this point every hunter in camp feels obligated to try and solve the mystery for you. “Did your arrow deflect off an unseen limb?” one might ask. “No, there were no limbs.” “Did she jump the string?” from another. “I didn’t see it if she did” you answer. “Did you miss judge the distance?” (which would be totally your fault). “No, I paced it off and it was right.” “Jerk the release, use the wrong pin, not pick a spot?” “No,no,no” you answer them all. Each time a person throws out a reason for missing just say, “I don’t know without admitting to any shortcomings”. It’s best to just keep it an unsolved mystery. It is also important to listen to the reasons they throw out carefully, because you might hear a good excuses you have not used before and can add to your supply for later. When it is all said and done and the group has exhausted all of the reasons why the best bowhunter on the planet didn’t connect. They will look at each other and you will all say, “I don’t know”. The only thing left is divine intervention, and act of God. The arrow passed through the deer without touching it. Amazing!
11. Misjudged the Distance: Okay folks, the first ten were attempts to completely deflect blame. If you feel like you must take a little responsibility now and then, here is how you do it with as little damage to your reputation as possible. You just misjudged the distance to the target. This is easy to do and even people in the military who have been specifically trained to judge distance can only get within about ten percent of the exact number. If you add in some brush or low light conditions it is easy to understand how this can happen. Even great bowhunters need to seem a little human and this will happen to everyone from time to time.
12. Used the Wrong Pin: This excuse can only be used by hunters with multiple pin sights. I have personally never used this one because I only used one sight pin on my compound bow and now have switched to traditional, but I have heard it used successfully on a number of occasions. It can be used in conjunction with, I misjudged the distance, or it can stand alone. Remember my friend Jody, well he once used it like this. He was hunting in a brush blind when a monster buck came out. He was standing at thirty yards, unaware, and in the perfect spot for a shot. Jody, lifted his bow and drew it to anchor. He judged the distance at thirty yards and in his excitement put his third pin on the deer and touched off his release. The arrow flew harmlessly feet over the deer’s back. On later reflection, he realizes that he had only sighted in two sight pins. One for twenty and closer and one for thirty. That third pin that was just on the sight down in nowheresville, was not sighted in for anything. At the time of the shot, third pin equates for thirty yards made perfect sense to his adrenaline-fried brain. This is not equipment failure, because the equipment functioned perfectly. He could try to throw a little blame at the manufacturer for putting unnecessary pins on the sight, but really he is going have to shoulder a bit of the blame. Still, this is a good excuse, because he is blaming is preparation and set up more than his actual hunting skills. He could say something like, “I knew I should have taken that stupid unnecessary pin off.” He is still a great hunter, just a bit lazy perhaps.
If you are an experienced hunter reading that you are probably thinking the miss was really caused by Buck Fever. If you are not aware of this phenomena let give you a quick breakdown. When a hunter sees an animal he or she really wants, all the work, anticipation, and excitement turn into a physical reaction. Your body dumps and adrenaline and all those fight or flight chemicals into your system. Your blood feels like it is on fire, your heart is racing, and your breathing is rapid. Your hands can shake uncontrollably. You may become so week that you can’t pull your bow back or even a trigger. Realizing what is happening to you, it can even make it worse. Most hunters have felt at least some degree of this at some time in their pursuit of prey. Even if this is not debilitating, it can cause you to forget everything you have practiced and planned and just react, poorly. In other words you choke.
It used to be that no self-respecting bowhunter would ever admit to having this humiliating affliction, as we all want to be cool under pressure. However lately I have read about some of the biggest names in the sport confessing to some degree of it. Well, as soon as some of the pro’s started admitting to it, I started hearing a few hunters in camp coming clean. This is kind of a new thing and when someone fess up, the others around the fire kind of chuckle nervously and look away. They may say something like “Yep, that can happen”, implying to anyone but themselves. I know we all might have a bit of Buck Fever from time to time, but if this is the best excuse you can come up with, you need to work on your creativity.
While this is by no means a complete list, it should get you started as you perfect your bowhunting skills. And lastly, don’t get lazy and just outright lie. Don’t show up in camp with an empty quiver and try and say you didn’t see anything. Good excuses may be a touch exaggerated, but they should be within bow range of the truth. Good luck and good hunting.
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